She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

My husband and I have a blended family, each with three grown children and 11 grandchildren who luckily live within two miles of us. We love to celebrate holidays together, so we have hosted numerous family dinners on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, birthdays, etc. 

While we like to entertain each family, separate and/or together, we are in our 70s, and doing this gets costly and extremely time-consuming. Case in point…we host an annual Easter picnic and egg hunt for everyone. We rent a large shelter, fill hundreds of eggs with candy/coins and prepare a huge dinner. We decorate, transport all food, beverages, etc. to the shelter. We invite everyone at least 30 days in advance. 

Our frustration is that only one family will ask to bring a dish to help. 

Everyone else just shows up empty-handed for the picnic. This is for every get-together.

There is an occasional call the day before or the day of the event to ask if they can bring something. Of course, all groceries are bought by the day before, and almost everything is well on its way to being prepared. These last-minute offers don’t take any burden off us at all! We can’t wait until the last day in hopes someone can bring the potato salad. Also, there are no thank-yous. 

How do we tell them in a nice way that they are old enough to lend a hand in a timely manner? 

Thanks!

A.

I understand why you are frustrated. Hosting gatherings is A LOT of work. But here’s the thing…

Your children and other family members are not mind-readers. 

They may be under the impression that you don’t want help. If their experience has been to call the day before to offer and you say no, they may have concluded that you don’t want their help and would rather do it your way. 

As both a parent and a daughter, I have noticed that folks tend to fall back into the child role with their parents, no matter how old they are. This is not to say that they act like children, but, for example, I immediately want to take a nap when I visit my mom. Why? Because I know she will “take over” (in a good way). As an adult, I’m in charge (along with my spouse) of making coffee, cleaning up, cooking, etc. There’s something wonderful about being taken care of when I visit my mom, even momentarily. Now, of course, that doesn’t mean that we should be waited on when we see our parents, but I think it’s very easy to resume our original roles, and it’s likely unconscious and not because they don’t know how to contribute in other social situations. 

The first thing you need to do is tell your kids that you need help with these gatherings. 

I am 100% sure if you told them that, although you love hosting, it’s a ton of work, and for future events, you need some help, they would be more than happy to do so. Also, they are adults; you can express to them that you feel under-appreciated, and it seems like no one ever says “thank you.” 

I see this happen in many areas of life—someone getting upset that someone else didn’t do what they wanted them to do. But we aren’t all psychic. And, some of us can be pretty slow to pick up on hints. 

It makes it infinitely harder for people to meet your expectations if you never tell them what they are.

As a rule, don’t stay silent and let the resentment then slip out in passive-aggressive comments. This is a particular pet peeve of mine. I have been through this before with family members. It’s awful to feel frostiness from someone and genuinely have no idea why they are upset. 

I used to spend so much emotional energy trying to decipher clues. Do you know what would have saved both the other person and me a lot of grief? Direct communication. Now, I refuse to feel ashamed for someone getting mad that I didn’t do something they didn’t ask me to do. 

Once you express your feelings, it will be much easier for your children and grandchildren to know your expectations intuitively. It seems they are likely in the dark about your frustration and disappointment. 

For all future parties, with the invite, be clear about how everyone can chip in. 

You will be “training” them to do this in general. You can do this one of two ways. You can ask each family to bring something specific/help with set up or clean up, OR you can make a simple spreadsheet (Google sheets are accessible and shareable) and ask each person to put their name down for one or more line items by X date. So, if you invite everyone on June 1 for a party on July 1, give them a deadline of June 15 for RSVP and commitment to their specific contribution. 

I think you’ll find that having clear and direct communication will make for much happier hosting AND relationships.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Carnelian, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

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