She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I let my boyfriend of almost two years move in, due to him getting kicked out of his brother's place. I wasn't sure of the idea but the thought of paying half of everything seemed nice while trying to rebuild our relationship. 

It's been about a month and I feel like his mom.

And I don't trust him. 

He lies about dumb things like who is dropping him off at work or picking him up. I pay for all the groceries and pick up the house and do our laundry, etc. I feel more like his mother than his girlfriend. 

I want things to work, but I'm tired of the lies and feeling like this. What should I do?

A.

Ugh. 

No good can come from allowing a parent-child dynamic to continue in your relationship. 

As I was reading your email, I was reminded of an episode of Sex and the City (Season 3, Epsiode 8 if you’re wondering), one in which Miranda complains about her relationship with Steve. 

Carrie asks her, “Well, what is wrong with you guys?”

Miranda replies, “I don't know. It's like he's a kid and I end up nagging him all the time. I'm mean mommy and no one wants to fuck mean mommy.”

You don’t want to be mean mommy. 

Having this type of dynamic in a romantic relationship is insidious and toxic.
And I have been there. I’ve been the parent-partner and the child-partner. They are equally unfun. We often fall into these roles without realizing it. 

So what can you do to undo it? Set those damn boundaries. 

Stop doing his laundry. Stop cleaning up after him. 

I know how hard it can be to let go of that control. I struggle with this. But almost invariably, people will do these things for themselves when they are forced to do so. And if he does not, then you can have boundaries in place for that as well. 

Tell him you cannot live with him if he does not contribute to the expenses and household chores. Make a list of what your shared expenses are, so it is clear what he is required to contribute. Likewise, make a list of daily and weekly chores and divide them up. Allow him to be a part of that decision making. Maybe he hates doing laundry, so let him be in charge of trash and dishes. 

The lying issue is a red flag and also needs to be addressed directly. 

You can set a boundary here, too. It is perfectly reasonable to expect your partner to be honest with you. Communicate to him that if he continues lying, you’re done. 

So often, in situations like this, it’s revealed that there hasn’t been clear enough communication on what is expected. I am going to guess that your boyfriend is not, indeed a mind reader. Now, maybe you have communicated this to him—you did not say in your email—but it is imperative that you are clear with what you want and need (and, moreover, deserve!). 

No matter how much you want this to work or how much you love him, you don’t deserve to be lied to or forced into the role of mommy. 

Communicate, set those boundaries, and, if he doesn’t change, get him out of your home and move on.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Blue Muscovite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called Strung Out: A Memoir of Overcoming Addiction, and it’s on sale now! Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO 

*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez