How Do I Tell My Sister That Her Husband Relapsed?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

I'm fairly certain my brother-in-law relapsed on heroin, and I don't know what to tell my sister. 

My sister was a late bloomer; she lived with our parents until she was 27 and she's almost willfully naive. She met her husband on a dating app and moved in with him after knowing him for two weeks, quitting her job and leaving behind substantial debt for my parents to pay off. 

My brother-in-law had just gotten out of a court-mandated treatment program when they met. They've been together two years and have two kids with the third one on the way. 

There are a lot of red flags in this relationship, but mostly the one that sticks out is that my brother-in-law goes to concerts and raves sometimes states away for days at a time and always comes back either flat broke or with wads of cash. This makes me think he's either moving or selling on top of using. 

After these raves, a lot of pictures pop up on Instagram and Snapchat of him looking high. He's been open on social media about using kratom and buying Suboxone and Narcan to misuse it. 

On the face of things, my sister's life looks very charmed, and Pinterest-Perfect and my parents and other siblings adore her husband for finally "bringing her out of her shell." 

But there are children involved at this point, and I don't know how to tell her I'm concerned. 

I've had my own issues with recovery and have been sober for ten years, and I'm pretty sure of what I'm seeing. 

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Should I Lighten Up About My Partner’s Drug And Alcohol Use? 

A.

You are right to be concerned. 

In my experience, whenever I’ve had the gut feeling that someone was using, 99% of the time that gut feeling was correct. 

I want to address a couple of things in your email. Kratom and Suboxone are often used by people as a means of staving off opiate withdrawal. That said, they can also be abused.Narcan (or Naloxone) is an antagonist, commonly used to reverse an overdose. It could be that he has Narcan because he is using and/or around people who are using. 

The fact that he disappears for days at a time when he has two kids and one on the way is concerning, even without the drugs. And I agree; there seem to be plenty of red flags here.

So what can you do? 

You have to put aside your feelings about the denial that your sister and parents are in. You have no control over what they believe or what they are capable of confronting. 

But you need to tell them what you’re observing. Set up a time to speak with your sister privately. 

Tell your sister what your concerns are by laying out the facts. 

The facts are he is disappearing for days on end, returning with missing money or wads of cash, and has drugs on him that are used to stave off opiate withdrawal and reverse opiate overdose. Remind her that you are on her side, that you love her, and you will be there to support her. Remind her that she needs to set aside the discomfort of confronting this because she has two (almost three) kids to think about. 

Please do this without adding in opinion or judgment. It will be a lot easier for her to hear if you stick to the facts. You also need to let your parents know what you’ve observed. 

When it comes to addiction, I believe in transparency. 

This is why I think it is important to let your parents, grandparents to those kids, know what the facts are as well. As with your sister, don’t add in judgments and opinions. 

I think it is highly unlikely that you are wrong about your assessment here, based on what you’ve said in your email. As I said, they may not be able to accept the truth in front of them.

Once you’ve had these conversations with them, you can set boundaries for yourself so that you are not in situations with someone who is actively using and denying it. If they can confront things, you can be there to assist in a family intervention. 

As you are already in recovery, you may be aware of Al-Anon. I always recommend this as a good place to start for loved ones of people who have substance abuse issues. Really, it’s a valuable program for learning how to set boundaries in general. 

Remember, you have no control over the actions or reactions of any of your family members, but you can and should say something and then set boundaries accordingly. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Golden Yellow Topaz, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

How Do I Tell My Friend To Stop Pushing Her MLM Products On Me?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Ask Erin,

I'm in a small circle of close-knit moms whose kids were in the same class at school a few years ago. Some of the kids have moved to different schools now, but the moms get along so well that we all agreed to keep in touch and we still regularly meet up for mom's night out and various activities.

One of the moms is also involved in a multi-level marketing company and is way too frequently trying to sell her products to all of us. 

It gets annoying, but she's honestly such a lovely and sweet person most of the time that we just grumble about it in whispers to one another. Every single mom in the group has complained about this behavior privately.

The thing that really bothers me is that her selling is shrouded in friendship-like banter.She'll ask about a project of mine or something that's important to me and casually include a link to her new product line. It makes me feel like she's not genuinely interested in what's going on with me, rather she's looking for *any* excuse to push her merchandise. 

I'm beginning to wonder, does she see me as a friend or her potential downstream seller?

I haven't wanted to say anything to her for fear of offending or upsetting her. I know this is how she earns her living. But this morning, I got the same type of "sales/friendship" text at 6:30 am!!! 

I don't think I can take it anymore and the other moms aren't willing to let her know how they feel, but I feel like something has to give!

Please help! How can I get her to stop without hurting her or the friendship I think we have?

 — Sick of MLM

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Deal With Friends Who Are ALWAYS Late?

A.

Dear Sick of MLM, 

You are not alone. There are SO many of us that can relate to your plight. 

The root of the problem here is boundaries. 

And while you and your other mutual friends have been wanting to be polite or not hurt her feelings, you are doing yourselves and her a disservice by not setting the boundary and being honest. 

So how do you break it to her gently?Set aside a time to speak with her about the privately.You can do this in person or by phone.Make an appointment or date with her for a chat.

And say something like this: “Hey, I wanted to touch base with you about something. I am 100% supportive of your business and want you to succeed, but I need to ask you not to try to sell to me when we are hanging out. It interrupts the time we have together — which I cherish. If you’d ever like to speak to me about something related to business, let’s plan that ahead of time, so the two don’t get mixed up.” 

If your friend is trying to recruit you into the MLM, be clear that you are not interested in getting involved in the business. 

If she is selling a product you would never buy, you can amend the above statement to include something that indicates that you support her business, but it is not a product that interests you, that you’re not her target audience. 

If, after setting the boundary, she slips in the sales pitch during friend time, say something at the moment: “Hey, I appreciate that you’re trying to grow your business, but remember what I said before? I don’t want to feel like our time together is about selling me something. I care about our friendship, and that’s what I want to focus on.”

As hard as it can feel to set that boundary, it’s imperative if you are going to keep this person as a friend in your life.

I would encourage your other mutual friends to do the same. You can do so with kindness, and the kinder thing to do is to be straightforward with her, rather than complain about her behind her back.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Dioptase, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Is It Time To Leave My Husband?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Erin,

I have been married for 12 years to a financially stable, hardworking man who loves me and whom I believe would never physically cheat on me.

The problem is, he cannot express emotional intimacy. 

He withholds sex, and I catch him masturbating, despite my pleading with him that I need more sex and more connection with him. Despite six years of off and on couples counseling, we are still in the same pattern. 

And he drinks.

Two years ago, I told him I wanted to separate, and he agreed to go to counseling on his own. He went three times and stopped, without telling me, because he felt he had no issues. 

So, here I am. Two kids, married to a trustworthy, kind, provider who is married to his job. My urge is to divorce him, but I feel fickle for doing so. Plus, his job is very stressful. Last year, I couldn't leave because he was in a severe traffic accident.

My question for you: Are my lack of sexual and emotional needs enough to leave an otherwise (financially and chore wise) supportive union?

Thanks,

Pragmatic and Unfulfilled

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Can I Learn To Trust My Husband?

A.

Dear Pragmatic and Unfulfilled, 

It is abundantly clear that you are not happy. And this situation goes beyond just your sexual and emotional needs not being met. 

People often ask me if they should leave their partner, and I cannot make that decision for you, but I can tell you what I would do in your shoes to figure out a decision. 

Two things struck me as I read your email, his drinking and his unwillingness to continue therapy. Now, you didn’t say to what extent the drinking is an issue, but since you mentioned it, I am going to assume that it is. 

I can’t say that drinking is the root of the problem, but much of what you’re describing sounds like it could be. Of course, he quit counseling — that level of self-awareness is terrifying for someone who is using substances as a salve.

You have no control over his actions, but you do have control over yours. 

You didn’t mention if you were in counseling, but I think it is imperative.

You need the guidance of a therapist to sort through what you want and need.

Secondly, with the help of a therapist, you need to set an ultimatum for your husband to get back into both individual and couple’s counseling. From what you’ve described, this is not an abusive or toxic marriage, but it is dysfunctional.

You have two kids together; it is worth exhausting your options to save the marriage. 

Remind your husband that you want to model healthy behavior for those kids, both individually and as a couple. 

If he is entirely unwilling to try to change things with some professional help, then it will be time to evaluate leaving. I do believe it is healthier to end things that model an unhealthy relationship for those kids. 

Lastly, if the drinking is an issue, that needs to be addressed. I recommend AlAnon and possibly speaking with an intervention specialist. Again, open up to your therapist about this for some further guidance. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Charoite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I Assaulted My Ex And Don't Know How To Make It Right

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

CN: Sexual Assault

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

I sexually assaulted my ex, and I don't know how to make things better. 

I have apologized and told her I would give her all the space she needs. The problem is we also have a daughter together, which just makes everything worse.

I do feel terrible about what happened, and I do take full responsibility.

I think my problem here is we have a long history, and there was a lot of things going on between us which led to this.

We were together for five years, and we largely broke up because she insisted on sleeping with other men. That's not the whole story, but a significant part of it. 

We remained living together, and sexually active, after breaking up, but she started having sex with other people right away. She would come home and brag about these sexual encounters and in detail, despite me pleading for her not to. 

Earlier in the night, before this incident happened, I was walking around an area where she told me she had sex in public with someone. Later that night, I came over because I was too tired to drive home after dropping off a friend who lived down the road. Big mistake. 

She invited me into her bed for a massage, and she was not wearing any pants or undies. I massaged her, and later she went downstairs to sleep on the couch. When I woke up, I went downstairs, and that's when it happened. 

She told me no repeatedly, but as horrible as it sounds I can honestly say I could not stop myself. I touched her and myself while holding her down. There’s always more to the story of course. Previously she told me if I wanted her I would have to force myself on her — her words. She also just recently started declining sex with me, and there have been multiple very confusing incidents where she would act like she didn't want to, then show me her butt or things like that.

I feel like absolute shit for what I have done. I will try to give her as much space as possible, although I hope I can still see my daughter. I think I am writing this partially as a confession, and partially as much as I hate myself for what I have done, I do feel that our whole relationship, in general, led up to this night.

Do women have any responsibility in these situations — messing with mens’ heads and flirting?

How can she be held accountable for her actions with me still taking the blame?

I can honestly say, my big mistake was going over to her place that night — one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I don't ever see this happening with anyone else, because a lot of this had to do with our relationship and how confusing and difficult it has been. She literally told me before to force myself on her. 

I'm so confused, and I don't know if I can live with what I have done and simultaneously wish she would just be with me, although I know it’s best not to and it will never happen now, if there was a chance before. I have a hard time living with this but also don't feel I deserve any sympathy.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Was I Raped?

A.

First, thank you for writing in. As hard as it can be for men to confront this stuff, it is vital that you do. It is how we will move forward and teach the next generation what consent actually means and looks like. 

You are guilty of sexual assault. You know this. 

There is no dissecting of her behavior — no matter how problematic it has been, that erases your culpability. 

You are the one who held her down when she repeatedly said no. This is why you feel as badly as you do now. I am glad that you have that awareness. 

Your relationship with this woman has been highly dysfunctional, and it sounds like you are both responsible for the wonky boundaries. It seems like a nightmare of a relationship, but she is not responsible for what you did that night. 

In your email, you said: “I can honestly say, my big mistake was going over to her place that night — one of the biggest mistakes of my life.”  This is inaccurate. While it was a poor decision to go over there that night, that was not your big mistake. Your biggest mistake was assaulting her; your biggest mistake was holding her down while you touched yourself and she said no. 

Again, you know this. You're doing what most people do when trying to confront something they’ve done that they feel ashamed about — you’re trying to find some justification that can alleviate the shame, even a little. 

So where do you go from here? 

First of all, continue giving her all the space that she needs. Second of all, you need some sort of written agreement in place that establishes boundaries concerning co-parenting. Third, you should offer to pay for therapy for her. Fourth, you need to get into some individual or group therapy yourself to process this and evaluate your behavior so that you never, ever do this again. You also need that therapy so that you learn how to set and repsct boundaries. For your daughter's sake, it would be great if you could model a healthy relationship for her. 

I don’t believe you are a bad person. I think you are a rather typical product of rape culture. This is what rape culture begets in men, a sense of entitlement that supersedes another person’s (usually a woman or non-binary person) agency over their body. BUT, it is your responsibilty to take stock of this and change your behavior. 

I urge and encourage you to get that therapy and to educate yourself about consent. 

Here are a few good places to start: 

• Project Consent

• Navigating Consent

• Learning Good Consent

• Asking For It - The Ethics & Erotics of Sexual Consent

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Pink Tourmaline, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I'm Almost 30 And I Feel Like I'm "Behind" In Life

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Erin, please help me!

I need help after recovering from an illness. I’m 29 years old (going to be 30 in Dec). At the age of 22, I was diagnosed with a rare genetic disease. After seven years of stagnation and recovery, my disease is finally in remission.

Now that I’m soon approaching 30, I feel so behind in life in comparison to friends.

I feel like I’m old and the best years of my life (my 20s) were wasted on an illness. I can’t get them back! 

I have friends that have amazing careers, relationships, children, and experiences. I haven’t hit any milestone in life. 

Here I am at 29 with no career, still living with my mom, and just finishing up my college degree.

How do I overcome not only jealousy but feeling like I’m old?

You Might Also Like: 10 Things I Thought I'd Know How To Do By Now

 

A.

This is such a good question for me to answer. Why? Because I am totally a late-bloomer. 

I spent my teen years and most of my twenties struggling off and on with a heroin addiction.I stopped using when I was pregnant with my son, at age 28. I’ve now been clean for more than 15 years. But guess what? 

All of those normal milestones came late for me, too. 

I graduated from high school at 16 and then stopped and started college so many times. I didn’t go back to school to finish my degrees until I was in my late 30s. 

After having my son, I had to learn how to function as an adult. As I was doing so, there were a whole lot of growing pains. I got divorced, still made a lot of relationship mistakes, and it was a long road to learn how to be in a healthy relationship. 

I learned in my 30s how to take control of my mental health, how to set a boundary and respect other people’s boundaries. I learned how to stop all the negative self-talk. 

I changed careers paths so many times. In my mid-30s, I changed direction once again and started writing. Now, in my early 40s, I just sold my first book. 

I got married again. I had another baby. I moved to New York City which is where I’d longed to be. 

My point is — it’s not too late to hit any and all milestones you want to hit. 

You are still so young. As someone on the downhill side of 40, let me tell you, it really does get better. Look at what you’ve done! You’ve survived a major illness. Your disease is in remission. This is cause for celebration! 

You have the opportunity now to plan the next phase of your life. And you get to do so with the wisdom of being 30, rather than 21. 

Instead of dwelling on what you’ve missed, get excited about what has yet to come.

No, we can’t get back years lost to illness, addiction, a bad marriage, a dead-end job, etc. But, we have the power to make new decisions for the future. If I can turn my life around and see my dreams come true, you can too. 

Your friends may have hit those milestones sooner, but you have opportunities ahead of you that they do not because the future is open and clear for you shape it with 30 years of experience behind you. Enjoy this. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Chrysoprase, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

My Ex-Girlfriend Is Giving Me Mixed Signals

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hey Erin,

I’m getting mixed signals from my lesbian ex. 

So, my girlfriend (she was straight until me) of two years broke up with me.

It actually happened a few months ago, but until last week, we lived together — like roomies. Last week she moved out.

She told me that her feelings are gone and never coming back. Until that day when she moved out, we shared a bed, showered together, gave light kisses, etc.

And now, even after she moved out, we still text and hang out. She even stayed at my place one night — cuddling and stuff.

I can't figure her out. She said she wants to be friends but her actions…

I’ve been in numerous relationships but have never experienced something like this.

I know I want to share my future with her but not as only friends.

Any advice?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Is It Wrong To Think Of Someone Else During Sex?

A.

Ah, the murky breakup. I used to be the queen of the murky breakup. Why? Because I was a jerk. No, but really… it was selfish.

Her behavior is selfish because I am fairly sure that she is aware of your feelings. 

However, on the off chance that she is not, it is your job to communicate what you are feeling. Tell her what you told me in your email — that what you want is more than friendship. And get honest with yourself about that, too. You don’t really want to be friends with her, at least not now. You’re not over her. 

You are also sitting in these murky boundaries because there is probably a part of you that doesn’t want to ask the question — what are we doing here?

Because it might make those moments of tenderness disappear. But, you need to take that chance.

So why is she acting this way? Probably for some of the same reasons you have, there’s comfort and security in holding on to the love you had. But, that doesn’t mean she wants to get back together. It might, but you deserve clarity. 

As you said, “I know I want to share my future with her but not as only friends.”

Tell her. Even if you don’t get the result you want, you are far better off knowing the truth and being able to move on if necessary.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m listening to, Bustamite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I'm Afraid I Am Frigid

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Erin,

Is it possible to enjoy sex again?

I’m afraid that I might be frigid.

I’m not yet 30, but my sex life is basically non-existent.I had one partner, during my sophomore year of college, with whom I had frequent, amazing sex with over the course of our brief relationship, but after he abruptly left me, I fell into a major depressive episode (not my first one), and my sex drive all but disappeared. 

I have been in and out of therapy, and on and off of meds, ever since, but nothing ever really helps. My mental health always ends up worse than it was before, and I still have no libido.

I have gone on to have other relationships, and some one-night stands, but the sex has only ever been awkward at best and extremely painful at worst.

I’ve spent the better part of a decade making excuses and convincing myself that things with the next guy would be better, but it never happened that way. I recently went over two years without having sex at all, because it seemed so not worth it to continue trying to pursue anything romantic or sexual with anyone (especially after having gone through the worst breakup and worst resulting depression yet). 

When I started dating again recently, I was hoping that I could finally figure things out, but I still don’t find the sex to be at all pleasurable unless there is a toy involved.

I’ve tried talking to doctors about it, only to be told that the fact that I can tolerate a pelvic exam and can technically have an orgasm means that there must not be anything wrong, so I just need to “relax.” I am also not currently on any medication, so that can’t be the problem, either. 

It’s gotten to the point where I sincerely believe that it just isn’t physically possible to enjoy sex and that the experience I had with my first boyfriend was just some fluke of my (now long-gone) teenage hormones. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised at this point if someone told me that no one else actually likes it either, and it’s just this ruse we’ve all been keeping up because we’re all too ashamed to admit otherwise.

I just don’t know where to turn.

I feel like I’m defective and like every man I’ve been with has realized this and been disappointed by me.

I’m not currently in a relationship (and unlikely to ever be in one again), so I guess it shouldn’t really be a problem, but it still bothers me. 

What can I even do?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Will I Ever Get Over My Last Relationship? 

A.

I hate that doctor for telling you that you just need to relax. Relaxing is a) not always easy if you have anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues and b) is not the answer to all medical problems. 

Many people, of all genders, struggle with their sex drive or lack thereof. And the reasons for that can be physical, psychological, emotional, or a combination. 

Do I think that there is likely an emotional component here? Yes. Do I think that you will have enjoyable sex again? Also, yes. 

Since this has been an ongoing problem, I would first consult an endocrinologist. I am not a doctor, but I have known several people who have had thyroid conditions that were causing libido issues. It seems like a good place to start. And an ob-gyn is not as good at solving the mystery of hormones as an endocrinologist is. 

Now, the depression factor. Just because you are not on medication does not mean that your depression is not affecting your libido. You don’t exactly say where things stand with your depression, other than you are not on medication. If you are still struggling with depression, I’d make treating it a priority. In my experience, my mental wellness has always been at the root of my satisfaction in all areas of life at any given moment. 

There was something that you said in your email that stuck out to me: "I still don’t find the sex to be at all pleasurable unless there is a toy involved.” 

This is key. You are finding pleasure when there is a toy involved. I would try an experiment.Commit to pleasuring yourself at least every other day for let’s say a month. 

Take the pressure of sex off the table and focus on pleasuring yourself.

Explore the things that feel good, try out some new toys, read some erotica or watch some pornography (if that feels right for you).

The point is to allow yourself to explore getting sexual without the pressure of another person there.

Also, make a commitment to engage in some sort of endorphin giving activity three times a week  — a brisk walk or run, swimming, yoga, dancing, any physical activity that will get your heart rate up and release those much-needed endorphins. I know for myself that the more I do in the endorphin area, the more motivated I am to do the things that release endorphins.That includes all these types of activities… and sex. 

A couple of other avenues to consider are alternative therapies — like acupuncture, reiki, meditation — or medications made specifically to target low libido. 

I am confident that you will be able to do so. Don’t put the pressure on yourself to make it happen with a partner right now. Allow yourself some space to get into a groove with taking care of business yourself. And, I would double check hormone levels with an endocrinologist, just to rule that out. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m listening to,what I’m reading, Ametrine, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I'm Exhausted By My Daughter's Depression

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

I am at my limits of coping with my daughter’s depression.

My daughter is 20, and is pretty depressed and suffers from high anxiety. I often do the right things, but it is taking its toll on me. She has no structure to her life, no motivation, no joy, no interest in anything, no friends.

She rings my ex-husband when she's fed up with me or finds me to be pressuring her too much, and he collects her, and then vice versa. We can talk to each other about her issues, but we are in the same place really. 

She has said she thinks it might be easier if she weren't here at all. I try to say that she's at the bottom of a dip at the moment and that it will get better, but although she acknowledges this, she says she always ends up here. 

I have just moved to a beautiful big house  — big change, and that takes time. But I can’t get her to participate or take any interest in decisions and plans. She needs to do some physical activity but hates running and is too nervous and scared of other people to join a gym.

I would like her to go and do voluntary work at a children's nursery; she did this before, and it went quite well. She could do this again but is reluctant to take the steps necessary to sort it out. 

I can't do everything for her the entire time.

She's on medication and has been for three years, and we have recently changed it in the hope that things might improve. Perhaps they will make a difference, but at the moment it's all getting decidedly worse.

I found your website as she just sent me a link about worse things to say to someone who's depressed as I was trying to get her to smile rather than sit slumped and looking miserable.I said it might help to smile and sit up. So that was wrong.

Help! I am exhausted from trying to be positive and try to get her up/ dressed/outside/ doing little tasks. I talk to my friends and my ex-sister-in-law. They have no answers but do at least support.

You Might Also Like: If You See Me Slipping Into Depression, Please Reach Out

A.

I understand how frustrating it can be as a parent when you can’t fix things for your kid. It’s even more frustrating when it feels like she could do things differently; she could change if she wanted to. 

But that’s not how depression works. 

I’ve been on both sides of mental illness, as the loved one of someone who is struggling and as the person who is struggling. As hard as it feels to be in your shoes, trust me when I say that it is far worse to be the one with depression. 

My experience with depression has been lifelong. I struggled with it from the age of seven. It wasn’t until I was in my mid-30s that I really stabilized. I am not telling you this to scare you or say that it’s going to take another decade or longer for her to get some relief. I am telling you this because depression is not a one and done illness. And make no make no mistake; it is an illness. 

Treating depression requires a combination of efforts, and there is no one size fits all solution. 

What worked for me? Talk therapy, the right medication, and cognitive behavioral therapy.That laid the foundation for the rest which has included spiritual work, self-esteem boosting actions (like volunteering, sticking to commitments, setting a schedule for myself), etc. But without the foundation of therapy and medication, I couldn’t have arrived at the place that I could do the rest of the work. That’s important to remember. 

I am glad to hear that you and your ex-husband can communicate and support her as she goes through this. And, as I said, I really get that you’re frustrated. 

So, what to do with your feelings? 

First, stop trying to fix her. Yes, you can be there for her as a parent when she needs an ear.Yes, this requires patience. Don’t try to solve her depression for her.  Don’t tell her to smile, get outside, if you just did X you would feel better. Remain a stable touchstone in her life.Help her access care when you can — rides to therapy appointments, etc. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t set boundaries. 

I know for me that boundaries, or the lack of boundaries I had, didn’t help my depression at all.

It’s okay for you to set boundaries with her. Modeling healthy boundaries will help her to do the same. You do not have to do everything for her all the time.

Access support of your own. 

I know I sound like a broken record in my column, but seeing a therapist yourself would be so helpful as you navigate this relationship with your daughter and her depression. Further, I know so many people, myself included who have greatly benefitted from 12-step support groups Al-Anon (not just for loved ones of alcoholics and addicts) and CoDA. 

Vent to your support system. Model healthy behavior. Be there as a parent, without trying to fix it. Know that finding the right medication and therapy takes time. Dig deep for that patience, mama. 

And above all, please remember that depression is not a choice. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m watching,what I’m reading, Black Agate, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Was I Raped?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

rape

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

This is something that has haunted me for many years. 

When I was 17, my best friend had a new boyfriend.

I hadn't seen her for some time as she had moved in with him and she insisted that I come to spend a weekend with them. He was a couple of years older than us and could drive and buy alcohol. 

My friend wanted to party, and her boyfriend went out and brought a couple of bottles of liquor. We were all drinking, and I noticed that the boyfriend hadn't been drinking all that much but seemed to be quite happy to keep pouring drinks for the two of us. I didn't think too much of it at the time. 

Later on, my friend pulled me aside and told me that her boyfriend was quite interested in having a threesome with us. I laughed it off and declined because I was a virgin at the time and losing my virginity in a three-way with my friend, and her new boyfriend was definitely not on my to-do list. The topic of sex was discussed some more, and I made a few jokes about how it was no good talking to me about that sort of thing. I had absolutely nothing to add, just trying to joke my way out of an uncomfortable situation. 

The boyfriend started talking about how he had friends that he could set me up with to help me out and I laughed, and I think I said something along the lines of that would be very nice, thanks. I was very drunk and my friend even more so. 

She passed out, and the boyfriend insisted on helping me to the bedroom that I was sleeping in. I didn't want to appear rude, so I accepted his help. He escorted me to the bedroom and hugged me. And this is the part that saddens and confuses me. I hugged the boyfriend back, kissed him on the cheek, and told him that I didn't want to be a virgin anymore, that I really should try this "sex thing." I meant about him setting me up with a friend, but I think he took that to mean that I wanted to have sex with him. 

I went into the bedroom, got undressed, got into bed, and turned the lights out.

I was close to passing out myself when I heard the door open.

The boyfriend climbed into bed with me, got on top, and had sex with me.

I'm ashamed to say that after it was over, I sobbed in his arms about what a slut I was and what a terrible friend I was. His way of "comforting" me was to climb on top of me again. 

After that weekend was over, I barely spoke to my friend, and I don't see her all that often anymore. We are still friends, and she is still with him. I don't think she knows what happened and if she does, she either pretends it never happened because I'm sure he would have told her that I hit on him or she chose to ignore it as she does with the other women he cheated on her with. 

The topic of that awful night has only been brought up by him once. It was a few weeks later, and he emailed me and told me that he would "never forget that amazing night because I was so wonderful in bed." I read that, emailed back “thanks," and threw up. 

Just thinking about it now makes me feel sick, but I don't know whether I feel sick because I was raped or whether I am just that terrible friend and drunk slut.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Support My Friend Who Was Raped? 

A.

Okay, first of all, you are not a terrible friend or a drunk slut. Please stop beating yourself up about this. 

If you could go back in time, would you make different choices? Maybe. 

But, you were 17 years old. At the very least, this was statutory rape. 

This boyfriend of hers took advantage of a drunk minor, who he plied with alcohol. EVEN if you kissed him, EVEN if you commented about not wanting to be a virgin anymore, at no point did this adult man obtain consent. 

I am so sick and tired of men who prey on young women in the murkiness of youth and booze and inexperience. 

What he did was wrong. What he did was rape. You were a minor. You did not consent. You were inebriated. Drunk people cannot consent. 

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I am so sorry that you have spent however many years beating yourself up over this. 

I want to encourage you to seek the help of a therapist or support group in processing this.This sh*t stays with us. I know. There are excellent resources out there. RAINN is a good place to start.

Secondly, I want you to write two emails — one to this asshole and one to your friend. I want you to get all the truth out, and then set those emails aside for a while. Save them as drafts.After you’ve received some support and had a little distance, revisit them, revise as needed, and if you feel as if it will bring further closure, send them. But let yourself have the time and space to consider that before you do. I think that the act of writing them alone will bring you some closure. 

If I could go back in time, I would hug that 17-year-old girl and assure her that she is not a drunken slut; she is not a terrible friend. She is the victim here.

And I see her and believe her. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m watching,what I’m reading, Magnetite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I'm Jealous Of My Partner's Ex

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Erin,

Firstly I want to say that I think you’re awesome. I read a lot of your responses to others, and I think the advice you give is so heartfelt and accurate.

I have been with my partner for almost two years, and I have no doubt in my mind that he is the one I will spend the rest of my life with. We moved in together nine months ago (with his 11-year-old daughter too), and it’s the happiest I have ever been, with none of the teething problems that many couples seem to experience. 

We are very honest and open with each other, we talk through our issues, and I know he feels the same way about us as I do.

The issue is his soon to be ex-wife.

They are in the final stages of divorce and right in the middle of the financial settlement, and she is being a mega bitch, trying to screw him for every penny and playing mind games acting innocent and friendly when she sees him. I’ve not met her yet; I’m banned in case it “upsets her and makes things worse,” although in my mind I don’t know how she could be any worse!

I’m trying to be supportive of my partner; he’s really struggling with everything emotionally and stress wise, but I’m finding it more and more difficult. I’m incrediblyjealous of her, and I hate the way she continues to control and manipulate our relationship even though they aren’t together.

I can’t attend any events she is at, and she insists on sitting next to my partner at them, even though he tells her he doesn’t want to be near her. She says it’s so as not to upset their daughter but she is very switched on and she lives with us half the week, so it’s not like she’s not aware they are separated I am left at his mum’s if we are all together when we are dropping his daughter back. There have been occasions when I have had to sit in the car outside if she has turned up unannounced at somewhere she knew we would be. Another example — not letting him have his daughter at Christmas but inviting him over on Xmas morning alone so that he has to choose between spending Xmas with me or seeing his daughter. 

He keeps saying that when the divorce is over she will be out of our lives but it’s not true.

She’s the mother of his child, and she will be there forever, playing games. I hate her. I hate that they were together for so long (14 years). I hate that she had him before me. I hate that he loved her when she is clearly a psycho! I hate that I missed out on those years with him when we are so clearly meant to be together. I hate that she bore his child. I hate that he married her. I am so filled with hate and jealousy that it scares me.

I know that everybody has a past and exes, I have one too, and my relationship before this one lasted seven years so I know I’m a hypocrite, but I can’t help feeling like I have stolen her life. Except that she has already done all the things I so desperately want with him.

I want us to get married, but he has done it before. I want us to have kids, but he has done it before. I want us to buy a house together, but he has done it before. 

There are all these things I want us to get excited about but how can he when it’s all old news to him?

I’ve spoken a little to him about my fears, and he says it will be different and exciting because it’s with me, but I can’t shake the feeling that he will be thinking about his first marriage if we walk down the aisle. That he will never love our child as much as he loves his daughter (she is his world, and he completely idolizes her)

Am I crazy? How do I move past this? How do I stop feeling so jealous? Or what if I’m right to be worried?

Please help!

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A.

First, thank you! It always fills me with joy when someone tells me that they enjoy the column. Now, PHEW. There is a lot to unpack in your question. 

I am so sorry that you’re feeling this level of anger and frustration. They are uncomfortable feelings, to say the least, and can make you feel as if your blood is actually boiling. So, let’s break it down a bit. 

First, and I know you know this, but when you partner up with someone who has a child, and that child has a co-parent, you are going to have to deal with that co-parent.

That said, there is a lot that your partner can be doing to mitigate the discomfort for everyone.

He needs to set boundaries with his ex. 

For the sake of the child, you are all going to have to learn how to be civil and tolerate each other’s presence at school events, etc. And, much of this can be worked out in the custody agreement as their divorce is finalized. 

Please understand that emotions are highest during the divorce process. When he says it will be better once the divorce wraps up, he is likely right. Even in the most amicable of situations, a divorce is a grueling life event, and when you mix money and stability with old wounds, everything is heightened. 

Remember that you only have one side of the story. 

That doesn’t mean that your partner is dishonest with you. But, have you ever heard the expression, “There are three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the truth. And no one is lying.” I think you need to keep that in mind. 

Untangling a relationship is painful; and here you add the legal business of it, plus having to still see the person you are trying to move on from, all the time. But, they will both move on.It is highly unlikely that it will remain like this. 

Now, addressing your jealousy… As someone who is on marriage number two and child number two, I am certain of something…

Having already been married and having already had a child makes it no less special the second time around.

Please, trust me on this. When he says to you that it will be different and exciting to pass these milestones with you because it’s you, he is telling you the truth! 

The other part of jealousy that I’d like to address with you is with his daughter. I know that unconsciously you may resent their closeness. Or you may resent her because you see her mother in her. But, please, remember that she is a child. That’s his little girl. Of course, she is a priority for him, just as your child with him would be. 

I cherish the relationship I have with both of my step-parents. My husband, as a step-parent to my first son, has played a crucial role in his life.

Don’t discount your importance in his daughter's life; she needs you, too. 

Lastly, I encourage you to speak with a therapist, together and separately, so you can process these emotions in a safe and healthy way. You don’t need to silently stew about or bicker with your partner over a situation that cannot be changed. And, I promise with some time and some boundaries, you can figure out a happy balance that works for your family. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m watching,Cerussite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

My Husband Has A Sex Addiction

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin, 

I’ve been married for seven years with two little boys who are seven years and four years old. 

My husband is an over the road truck driver. 

I’m pretty sure he has a sex addiction because I keep catching him cheating on me. 

He’s cheating with multiple women, and he’s paying them for it. 

My kids deserve to have their Dad, so I’ve tried with all I can to save our marriage, but I don’t know if it will survive this. 

He claims to love me, but he keeps on hurting me over and over with this. 

I feel I’m at a crossroad in life and not sure what to do. Any help you can give would be great.  

Thanks,

Fooled Again

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: I’m Still Insecure After 4 Years Of Marriage; Is There Something Wrong Here? 

A.

Dear Fooled Again, 

My heart goes out to you. I have been in a relationship with a chronic cheater, and it’s its own particular brand of emotional abuse. 

This sort of cheating is just that — emotional abuse. 

I can’t tell you if he has a sex addiction. Ultimately, he is the one who will have to confront that. However, it certainly sounds like that’s what is going on. According to The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, sex addiction is “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.”

His actions, regardless of sex addiction, are harming you and your family. Every time he has sex, even if he used a condom, he is putting your health at risk. Further, he is endangering your mental and emotional health, which in turn negatively affects your children. 

It is NO WAY your fault that he is paying women to have sex with him.

I want to emphasize this because people in the throes of this behavior often look to deflect the responsibility on their partner. And that is not the truth. You are not responsible for his actions. 

As I said, it’s not your job to discern whether or not he has a sex addiction. Your job now is to protect yourself and your kids.

To do that, you need to set firm and clear boundaries with him. What do I mean by that? I mean he gets treatment — be it therapy, an inpatient program, 12-step meetings, or a combination of all three — or you leave. It’s that simple. If he were going to change this on his own, he would have done so by now.

I know that you want to keep the family together, but your children are far better off with one parent setting healthy boundaries, than with two parents participating in a wholly toxic situation. 

I highly suggest that you seek some counseling yourself. In addition, why don’t you check out some Al-Anon and/or CoDA meetings; they are free and have helped so many people I know with establishing healthy boundaries. If you need any region-specific resources, please don’t hesitate to reach out again. 

You can do this. Work on controlling what you can — your boundaries and not staying in an unhealthy situation. He will either get help so he can make a meaningful change or he won’t, and you can walk away. I know it feels scary, but either of those scenarios is leaps and bounds better than what you’re living in now. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m reading,Blue Sapphire, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Do I Tell My Best Friend She's Making A Mistake Getting Married?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi, Erin.

My question may be one that you get a lot from people: my best friend is making a huge mistake, and obviously, I know I can't interfere, but supporting her also feels wrong.

We've been friends since childhood, for about 20 years now, and we've been there for each other through horrible struggles with low self-esteem which we both dealt with over the years. I've been a train wreck myself in the past, but fortunately, I think I've got things sorted out now and have a normal set of values and sense of self-worth. She, however, is in her first relationship for the fourth year now; up until she was 29 all she'd ever experienced was the bitterness of unrequited love and the occasional one-night stand (not the good kind. The semi-rapey, humiliating kind).

I think it's great that she's gotten to experience a monogamous, serious relationship with a guy who has often treated her nicely — but I strongly believe he's not the guy for her.

They moved in together pretty much right from the start — the reason being that he got evicted from his apartment (red flag!). They rented a flat together, the expenses of which she has paid almost entirely, working 12 hour days for about three years, while he was jobless and constantly letting her believe he was on the brink of launching a new enterprise (I really think he believed it too). 

He now has had a job for about two months, but it seems to me from the evenings I've spent at their place since then that he has absolutely no idea how to deal with stress, and when he gets home, he's so mean to my friend. On the flip side, though, she's super-clingy with him, and I get that he feels suffocated. 

I really don't think he loves her; he's just too weak to get out of this mess, and she's too low on confidence to get out of it, not having any other relationship experience (I remember how hard it was for me to get out of my first relationship, and it was much worse than theirs).

What breaks my heart is that my friend had this idea recently that she wants to get married to this guy. 

He didn't propose or anything; she just decided to discuss it with him, and he seemed reluctant to say no. She even told me, very unemotionally, that she only wants to marry him "because I'm at an age where I should be thinking about kids, and I can't think of a valid reason not to marry him.”

It also breaks my heart that the guy is doing the postponing game that he always does: "why don't we wait till the spring…," never wanting to tie himself down to anything specific, but also too weak to flat-out say no.

I find it more and more difficult to spend any time at all with my friend, even though I love her dearly. She's always spewing negativity, and I feel like she's setting herself up for either a lifetime of chaotic suffering or a huge disappointment (and for her sake, I hope it's the latter). I really feel like I can't smile and nod at her wedding plans anymore, but I'm also afraid of making her angry and her cutting me out of her life.

Please help!

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Help! I Hooked Up With My Best Friend, And It’s Not Working Out 

A.

It is understandable why you are so concerned about your friend. 

Getting married to someone is a big decision, and it sounds like your friend feels like that it’s what she is supposed to do, rather than following her heart’s desire. 

So what can you do? 

Mainly… listen. You certainly can express your concerns, but ultimately you are not going to be the one to change her mind about this. As you know from getting out of your own unhealthy relationship, it takes what it takes to arrive there. Talk to her from your perspective, using your personal experience with untangling from a toxic situation, to shed some light on what it is you see that she may be unable or unwilling to see right now. 

The good news is that he is playing the postponing game. Let’s hope he keeps postponing away. If nothing else, at least he’s not eager to get to the proverbial altar. 

Now, there is something else you can (and should) do for your own peace of mind. 

Set boundaries with your friend around the wedding talk and negativity. 

Might she react poorly? Yes. But, if you speak to her from the heart, coming from a place of compassion, she is more likely to hear you. It’s the only thing you can do because pretending to be there for her and listen while secretly resenting her is not good for anyone.

Lastly, it is absolutely possible to support a loved one and not support a decision or behavior. And, you can even tell her that. 

My gut says that your friendship will outlast her crappy relationship. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m reading,what I’m watching, Pyrite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

How Do I Deal With Friends Who Are ALWAYS Late?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

I don’t know if this is up your alley, Erin, but I’m hoping you can help.

My husband and I are good friends with another couple. 

We love them dearly, but they have no concept of time.

When we’re over there, they’ll often disappear upstairs for ages (not for THAT reason; she’ll randomly have a shower while we’re hanging out and not come back down for 45 minutes, for example).

When they come here, we agree on a time, and they always text just as I’m putting dinner in the oven to say that they’ll be an hour later than anticipated. (Usually when our kids are in the process of going to bed.)

I know not every family is like ours. He was raised to be 15 minutes early for everything, and my parents were always running 15–30 minutes late, which made me punctual when I moved out because I know it isn’t respectful of people’s time to be late.

She’s from a South American country originally and time isn’t quite as rigid a concept there. 

How can I communicate that they aren’t being respectful of our time withoutoffending them — or worse, without them really hearing us and making a change? 

Or am I wrong to expect and hope for that?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin!: Burned In The Bay And The Boa Constrictor

A.

Although I can, on occasion, be tardy, chronic lateness like this really gets under my skin.

Your time is valuable, and it’s reasonable to expect that our friends believe that too.

So, what to do? As in most situations, I believe in a direct and thoughtful approach. 

Tell them the truth.

Let them know that with your busy life, scheduling is essential. When they are an hour plus late, it throws you off. Additionally, it's okay to let them know that it makes you feel disrespected. If you are closer to one of them, you could speak to them privately, unless the two of you want to approach them, couple to couple. 

They may be surprised at how late and how often this occurs. 

I know when I’ve been late in the past, my mind has crunched the numbers to “oh, I’m going to be 15-ish minutes late,” which could mean a half hour.

You can remind them of the past couple of times they were late and how that impacted you.

Set meeting times ahead by a half hour. 

I have a few people in my life who are always late. Once I started just telling them we were meeting 30 minutes earlier than we were, I saved us both a lot of stress. And, should they actually be on time, it might be a good lesson!

After you’ve had the conversation, set a boundary for how long you will wait. 

Again, setting a boundary around your very valuable time is totally okay! When you make plans, ask them what a realistic meeting time is. Once you’ve set the time, give them a time frame of availability. Say you have dinner plans at 7. Let them know how much you are looking forward to it, and that if they’re running more than 30 minutes behind (or 20 minutes or whatever you’re comfortable with), you will have to reschedule. 

As with most things in life, clear communication and boundary setting are essential. Good luck! 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m reading,Citrine, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Is It A Dealbreaker If My Partner Doesn't Want Kids And I Do?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for two and a half years, and we’ve lived together for about two. We’re both in our late 20s, and we’re about to buy a house together.  

The first time the topic of children came up, everything was super positive, but then a few months later he kept hinting that he wasn’t sure whether he wanted children at all.

We talked about it. His position is that he *probably* does want children, but isn’t 100% sure, and doesn’t want to feel like he’s forced into an ultimatum. I’ve said that’s okay and it is — having children isn’t like the be all and end all for me — but it is still a pretty big deal!  

I’d be fine with it if one or both of us were infertile and kids just weren’t an option — but if he decides he doesn’t want them, I don’t know how I’d deal with that. And part of me is like ‘if you decide you don’t want them, please break up with me in time!!’ — though I haven’t said that. 

The idea of breaking up with him over something that may just not be an issue is also awful. I love him and think he’d make an amazing Dad.  

Help?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Tell My Pregnant Girlfriend That I Got Another Woman Pregnant?

A.

Neither of you are in the wrong here. That said, you have a gut instinct. And you’re struggling to listen to it. But, you should. 

Being on the same page about kids is a big deal. 

Before you buy a house together, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE have an open and honest conversation about what you want in life. Making that level of commitment is akin to marriage, and you really need to be sure that your values and goals align. I have had relationships in the past that I tried to hold on to, but ultimately what we wanted out of life wasn’t in sync. 

What do I believe needs to be in sync? Religion. Kids. Life/work balance (This includes quality of life issues — i.e., is earning money more important than ample downtime, etc.). Politics (YES, this one is important, too.).

I believe you will find yourself struggling to be content if these values and goals are out of sync. 

You said, “I’ve said that’s okay and it is — having children isn’t like the be all and end all for me — but it is still a pretty big deal!” And you’re right; it is a pretty big deal. 

I understand that you may not be 100% sure if that’s your path either. But one partner taking it off the table entirely forces the conversation to happen now. So, please do just that. 

Before my husband and I got engaged, there were big-picture issues that we discussed. We knew we had to be on the same page about this stuff; we wanted to give ourselves the best possible shot at a happy marriage.

Marriage or long-term partnership is not just about love; it’s about creating a life together…

A life together that is built on shared values and goals. You will be much happier down the road if you figure this stuff out now. And, as you indicated, you don’t want to waste time and energy on a relationship that is likely to unravel when you find yourself at a crossroads later on.

Talk about it now — maturely, openly, and honestly. You both deserve that. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m reading,Tiger’s Eye, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

How Do I End Things With My Boyfriend?

This article first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin, 

I've been dating a guy for the past six months, and as of late, I've been getting frustrated at his lack of structure and his lack of ambition.

Now, in the beginning, it was great. We live in different states so to make up for distance, we FaceTime. He works from home and has a relaxed, spontaneous lifestyle. He's super laid back, and a genuinely wonderful person. He cares for me (although in the beginning, I think he didn't care too much). He isn't a guy who goes out to the club all the time and has to be all over with everyone.

However, due to his freedom with work, he has his friends (about five or six) over to his apartment anywhere from 10 pm to 7 am on any night. When they do come over, all they do is play video games, drink, play Yu-Gi-oh, and smoke. 

I didn’t notice this in the beginning, but it was only two nights per week. Now it's a constant thing, and he seems to not care about what time they're there until or what's happening the next day. 

He's turning 30 next year, and I've just turned 25. I'm working on getting my MHA and furthering my career in the medical field. He simply wants to work from home and do nothing else throughout the day but watch TV and sit around the house or tinker on his car and motorcycle. 

We have a lot in common but this lack of structure and ambition... it's driving us apart. 

I feel like I can't see a future with him because of this. I've tried to end things but every single time, he starts crying, and it breaks my heart. I honestly think we were better off as friends versus as partners. 

He doesn't want to further himself in the IT field because becoming a supervisor or manager means that it'll be stressful, and he doesn't want that, but he isn't doing anything to show me he's changing. 

I need to end things, but I can't if every single time he starts crying. 

How do I handle this? He's great, but he's not the fit for my future aspirations. 

Thanks a million, 
Stuck by tears. 

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Is Sexting Considered Cheating? 

A.

Dear Stuck by Tears,

Your question is not should you leave; it’s how to leave. 

As you said yourself, “He's great, but he's not the fit for my future aspirations.” That’s clear from your email. You want different things from life. You can see that his lifestyle doesn’t mesh with yours all the way from another state! Can you imagine how clear it would be if you lived in the same state, let alone city.

Ah, emotional hostage-taking. Now, he might not even be aware that he’s doing it. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt on that. But, it’s manipulative, nonetheless. 

When someone we care about is hurting, our empathy kicks in. And when we are the cause of that hurt, our instinct is often to reverse things, even at the expense of our own comfort, feelings, etc. 

But, staying with him a little longer to find the right time to leave is more harmful, for both of you. 

You’re not stuck. In fact, you’re in an entirely different state than he is. So this is how you handle it…

Call him, FaceTime him, email him — just rip that band-aid off. Break up with him. Yes, in this case, I think an email breakup is okay; he knows it’s coming. 

Tell him a gentler version of what you told me: it’s clear that we want different things out of life. 

Also, you have only been together for six months. And, long-distance at that! Please don’t carry around unnecessary guilt about this. You’ve dated for a few months. You’ve discovered you’re not a good match. It’s okay to want to move on. And, move on you should! 

Those tears he has are about more than you. Set yourself free and you’ll be doing the same for him, too. 

---

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, shortcuts to accessing your woo, Chrysoprase, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

How Do I Support My Friend Who Was Raped?

This article first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

I was hoping for some advice on the best way to deal with a delicate subject.

My friend came to see me yesterday and during the course of the day she confessed that recently she "was sort of assaulted.”  

She explained that she had met a guy on Tinder and had willingly gone back to his place.They had both been drinking, and so she posed for a naked photo. She told him that she wanted him to wear a condom during sex and he at first appeared to be okay with that.However, when she reached for the condom to put it on, he pinned her down so she couldn't move and put his penis inside her without it.

She said that she froze at first but then managed to push him off her before he finished.Apparently, he didn't seem to understand what her issue was and told her that he doesn't like condoms. She told me she, understandably, feels very angry.

I've suggested that she report it, but she isn't interested in doing that. I don't think she realizes how bad it is and I want to be supportive without making things worse.

She described it as "kind of a grey area" because she “consented.” I've tried to explain that she consented to sex with a condom not to being pinned down so they couldn't use one. She is on top of the practical side as she has got herself tested and arranged an HIV test but I don't know how to support her emotionally when she's playing it down and insisting everything's fine.

She is worried that if she does report it then nothing will happen anyway and he will use the naked picture to prove consent. I've left things by explaining that I respect her decision and she only needs to ask if she wants anything at all. 

Is there something more I can do? 

I hate that it's happened to her and the thought of this guy doing this to other women makes me sick. I want to be a good friend without causing more damage.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Tell My Best Friend That He Sexually Assaulted Me?

A.

As an advice columnist, I receive many questions from folks who write in asking if I think what happened to them was rape or if they should tell someone about their sexual assault or what they should do in the wake of an assault. 

Your question is an important one because we all know someone (likely many someones) who has been sexually assaulted. 

What happened to your friend is awful and, sadly, all too common. I have heard countless stories, from friends and readers of this column, about similar situations — from “stealthing” to sex that began as consensual and turned into rape. As you know, your friend wasn’t “sort of assaulted;” she was raped. She did not consent to have his bare penis inside of her, and he held her down and shoved it in anyway. 

Consent is not a one and done concept. ANY sexual contact without consent IS sexual assault.

Consent requires voluntary, affirmative agreement among all parties involved, and can be withdrawn or altered at any time during a sexual encounter. 

I can understand why she is reluctant to press charges. While it may feel frustrating, as I know you want justice for what happened to her, you have to respect her decision, and, at this point, don’t force the issue. 

So what else can you do to help? 

You’ve already started helping her by listening to her and validating what happened to her. 

Continue to do that. But, don’t push her into talking about it if she doesn’t want to do so.Everyone processes trauma differently and in their own time. That said, it is totally cool to check in with her about it from time to time. 

Encourage her to seek therapeutic support.

RAINN and NSVRC have thorough lists of resources on finding all sorts of support after a sexual assault. Offer to help her find someone to speak with, or drive her to her first appointment. She may not want or need that type of support, but if she does, she will be grateful that you offered. 

Plan some self-care activities that you can do together. 

When we are in the midst of processing trauma, we aren’t always good at remembering to be extra kind to ourselves. Plan a picnic or a spa day, a day at the beach or a Netflix and face mask night.

This type of support is priceless.

And, as you have been doing, continue to listen. Don’t try to fix things or push her to talk if she’s not up for it. But, just be there.  

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The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m reading,Sphalerite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

How Do I Get Over An Ex Who Dumped Me Out Of The Blue?

This article first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin, 

I hope you will be able to offer me some constructive advice. I started dating this girl for a few months, and we instantly clicked, we are so comfortable with each other, and we both admitted that we both make each other really happy. In 26 years, I’ve had two relationships — proper ones — and this was the second, and I have never felt this way about someone. 

The girl is amazing, and I think she is out of my league.

Two months into our relationship she slept with someone else. She didn’t tell me until we were deep in conversation and I asked whether I have anything to worry about. She told me she took a gram of coke and slept with this girl (who is apparently straight and just broke up with her boyfriend) in a toilet. The girl told me she wasn’t sorry at all. 

I was obviously devastated but because I’m so in love and didn’t want to lose her or what we had, I forgave her within minutes of that conversation regardless of how much I cried in front of her. After that evening, things between us were a bit distant, and I tried to repair it. 

After less than a week, the girl admitted what she did was wrong to me, and she was sorry I was so hurt. I didn’t expect this, and I was happy to know that I was cared about here. So things from that point seemed and were going great. We had more dates, went to one of her friend’s baby showers, and I met more of her friends, and we all got on. 

Then one week, I booked us a spa day in April. An hour before we were supposed to meet I called and she told me just to go myself even though throughout the week we both had been looking forward to it.

Then she told me we needed to talk and that she didn’t want this or me anymore. 

I was standing in a public place crying, begging her not to break up with me. I asked to see her, but she refused. Our phone conversation lasted about 90 minutes, and after that, I received a text saying how sorry she was for everything, and she wishes it could be different and hopes I’ll be okay.

I replied saying I was shocked and I miss her and just want to fix this. She said I never did anything wrong and there’s nothing to fix. 

Since the breakup, I have messaged her, and she replies. I even called once, and she texted me asking if I was okay and I took that as her caring. I recently sent her a voice note as we always did those and I basically asked her out on a date like our first date which was amazing. But she’s not replied since and I know she probably wants me to move on and I am trying, but it really is hard. 

I would love to get back together. I miss having the connection we did. I just worry that someone will disrespect her and she’ll feel like I did and I don’t want that for her. She is a good person, and she deserves the best, and I wish that were me. 

I would like to think months down the line we could get back together, but I don’t know. I have no doubt she’s been with a dozen people, yet I can’t even leave my house because I still feel sad about it all.

What do you think I should do?

I think about her all the time, but I am focusing on me at the moment. Thanks for your time.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Help! I Don’t Think I’ll Survive This Horrific Breakup

A.

Oh, my dear, you are in the thick of the breakup blues. I’ve been there. So many of us have been there. 

First, I want you to know something very important…

You will stop feeling this way, sooner than you think.

Mid-breakup can feel like a never-ending purgatory of loss, shame, guilt, fear, and despair. I know it’s cliche to say “you won’t feel this way forever.” But, really…you won’t feel this way forever. In fact, you probably won’t feel this way by the end of summer. 

You are so young, and you have so much living and loving ahead of you. I want you to really “listen” to a few things I’m going to lay out for you right now. 

She is not out of your league; you’re out of her league. 

Your ex reminds me of a young me. The young me who spent time and energy avoiding real connections, who cheated and did drugs as a means to that end, who felt so badly about myself that I sabotaged good relationships because deep down I thought I didn’t deserve them.

Maybe your ex is not exactly like that, but I’d venture to guess I’m not far off.

She did you a favor by ending things. 

Her behavior is messy. Doing a gram of coke and having sex in the toilet are not hallmarks of healthy behavior (even when they feel “fun” when we’re young and dumb). I am going to pose the question I always pose to those struggling to let go of toxic relationships: Is this the relationship you would wish for your best friend or sister? My bet is on “no.” 

You deserve so much more than you believe. 

You mentioned in your email: “I just worry that someone will disrespect her and she’ll feel like I did and I don’t want that for her. She is a good person, and she deserves the best…” 

I want you to replace her with you. “I don’t want that for ME. I am a good person, and Ideserve the best.” Because this is the truth. You are a loving and compassionate person. I want you to direct some of that love and compassion towards yourself. I am going to take that a step further…

To show others love and compassion, you have to set boundaries. 

You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is capable of reciprocating your love and affection. And you deserve to be with someone who respects the boundaries of your relationship, someone you can entrust with your heart. 

To that end, I highly recommend that you seek the help of a therapist. It’s so important when we come out the other side of an unhealthy relationship that we examine how we got there.And a therapist can help you do that. Email me if you need any resources or direction in finding one. 

Additionally, a 12-step support group could also be beneficial. CoDa and Al-Anon have helped so many people I know with boundaries and with establishing new paths to healthy relationships. Give them a gander. 

Lastly, be kind to yourself. 

Lean on your friends, make the time for small acts of self-care (going for a walk, lying down and listening to a guided meditation, catching a mid-day movie, cooking at home with friends…whatever it is that speaks to you). These actions of self-care help to build self-esteem. 

You will get there. And you will find love again — a healthier and happier love. 

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The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m reading,Sphalerite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Ask Erin: I Think I'm Asexual But My Family Thinks I'm Gay

This article first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

I'm not really sure what my question is, but here's my situation. I'm 21 and haven't seriously dated anyone — not even in 6th grade when it seemed like what all the kids were doing —  just to do. I haven't lost my virginity and have only been on three dates, never making it to a second one with the same guy.

A couple of years back, both of my sisters asked if I was gay, and, honestly, I told them “no.”

I may not be strongly attracted to guys, but I'm not attracted to girls either. 

For a while, I thought there would be some point when I was attracted to a guy, and everything would happen, but a month or two ago I read an article on possible asexuality signs, and I fit most of them. 

I don't realize when people flirt with me or when people say I flirt back. I find nude pictures to be unappealing and almost...unrealistic? Penises just don't seem proportional — or the right color. I don't get casual sexual jokes, and while I can think of sex in a book/character way, I really can't imagine it if/when I'm involved. Kissing (when I tried it on my first date when I was 19) just seems slimy and unhygienic.

My aunt has also implied that it's okay if I'm gay, and when I told her that I've been on some dates with guys, it seemed like it got around to my extended family. They might all be wondering about me.

I've never been entirely comfortable labeling myself — I’m just me, and that's all I really want to be — but I feel anxious when my family starts questioning me (I tend to forget sexuality is actually a non-fictional thing other than when mine is questioned).

I don't think my family would shun me if I talked to them, but I don't really want to "come out.” I haven't really been closeted. I just never started being sexual.

I don't want my (lack of) sexuality to be a thing. Why should it be when it's nonexistent?

I don't really want a support group or people to talk to, because I don't feel like I need support. I'm not really struggling with my sexuality or feeling anxious. I just am, and I'm okay with that.

There wasn't really a question there, but do you have any advice for me?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: I'm Asexual; How Do I Get Him To Back Off? 

A.

As with any discussion about gender identity or sexual orientation, the only person who can determine your sexuality is you. From what you said in your email, it sounds like asexuality is what resonates with you. 

Let’s address the family stuff first. If you are not ready to talk about your sexuality with them, that’s okay. You can tell them that. You can set a boundary that they not discuss your sexuality with each other or ask you questions. If and when you are ready to do so, you will speak to them about it. 

You don’t owe anyone an explanation about your sexuality. 

Not even your family. That said, it seems your family is likely to be supportive of you, and I think you’d be safe to discuss this with them. I know for myself when I was able to talk openly with my family about “my stuff” (my addiction and depression), it made me feel closer to them. And that was a good thing. 

You said that you don’t want any support. But, I think you do. Although you said you don’t feel anxious about your sexuality, you mentioned that when your family questions you, you feel anxious. 

I think that writing to me for advice was a means of reaching out for some support. 

Not because you are struggling, but because it might feel good to have conversations with people who identify the same way you do. Having the support of the asexual community doesn’t mean that you are struggling with your sexuality. 

So, I want to suggest that you explore some of the resources I am going to list below. We all want to feel less alone. Even you! 

Resources:

• AVEN – The Asexual Visibility and Education Network 

• The Trevor Project’s Asexuality 101

• The Asexual Story Project

• Asexuality: A Brief Introduction

• What Is Asexuality?

• Asexual Awareness Week

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The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, shortcuts to accessing your woo, Chrysoprase, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

How Do I Support A Friend I Can't Trust?

This article first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Where to start?

So I have this friend. We've traveled in the same circle for about a decade, and in that time I've repeatedly been made aware of her sketchy behavior. She clearly has serious mental health issues which I am sympathetic to, but needless to say, that doesn't excuse her apparently dishonest and manipulative behavior, or deliberate crossing of other people's boundaries.  

She lies and uses any available information to insult people to their faces or smear them to others to drive wedges between people. 

She's even gone so far as to trigger someone's PTSD deliberately, and repeatedly. It seems somewhat self-aware but also compulsive. The impact can be very serious. Two people she's emotionally abused have had crises recently, and although her responsibility in those situations is partial, it's still very real.

For the last few years, it seemed like these behaviors were in remission. She'd quit drinking, joined the same church as me, and as far as I know, had relative peace and stability in her personal relationships. 

The worst she's ever done to me personally is slander me behind my back, and I was more than willing to forgive that and keep her history to myself with our newer friends, as long as it wasn't relevant. I've tried to be supportive and get to know her better. 

I think she really wants to be well, and a "good person." But it seems like she been slowly descending into a crisis: leaving her job, relapsing on amphetamines (Adderall), and lately, abusing a mutual friend of ours. On top of that, when that abusive dynamic came to a head, she lied to me to manipulate the situation — to discredit the victim, protect her reputation, and assert power in the victim's life. Luckily, I'd already double-checked the facts, in anticipation of just that kind of manipulation. Sadly, it's just like old times and very predictable.

Now I don't know what to do. Ghosting her, my first impulse if I'm honest, means uprooting myself from my spiritual community. It also means abandoning her at a time when she's clearly in crisis — and in the past, her crises have led to self-harm and suicide attempts.

No matter what she's done, I don't want that for her. She even reached out to me recently but before things got quite so bad, and I was unavailable. I want to follow through. I feel like it's the right thing to do.

However, that means interacting with her. I have deliberately held back in my communication with her, but I think she knows I'm mad at her, and possibly that I know about her drug use, recent abuse of our friend, and other behavior that she probably doesn't want me to know about. 

She's an emotionally volatile and very sensitive person, who seems to take everything very personally and through a very intensely filtered emotional lens, and I'm a fairly tactless "on the spectrum" gal. 

Normally I would just explain the way I feel directly ("I care about you, and I feel angry because . . . ") but I can imagine no way of framing that where she would really hear me right now. However, she's running out of friends who know about her struggles yet don't just coddle her and normalize her bizarre and abusive behavior (and that is only one friend). 

I'm worried about her. I'm also angry with her. I know she thinks I would judge her for many of the things she's doing and despite my best efforts, I do to some extent. I'm no saint.

So, are those really my only options? 

Is there a way of communicating that might be good? An indirect way to be supportive?Something else entirely? Is abandoning someone in need really my only option here?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Help! My Girlfriend Wants Me To Pee On Her

A. 

You are a compassionate person — to be able to continue caring for someone who has trampled boundaries and proven to be quite toxic in your life. 

Here’s the thing — to be a good friend to her, you have to set boundaries and stick to them. 

She sounds like the type of person who relies (perhaps unconsciously) on the kindness and empathy of others (like yourself) to enable her behavior. If everyone in her life set firm boundaries, her behavior wouldn’t work anymore. 

Think of it in simple terms. If a kid throws a tantrum when they don’t get there way — and they will really go town with that tantrum — they are banking on the fact that, eventually, you will give in.

Does that kid know any better? Maybe not. But that doesn’t make it okay to condone that sort of acting out.

Regardless of her mental health and/or addiction issues, her behavior is not acceptable. You can still show compassion for someone without letting them get away with toxic behavior. 

Part of being compassionate is stating exactly what your boundaries are, exactly what behavior is unacceptable. 

You mentioned that you are worried she might harm herself. And she might. Please know that is not your responsibility. If you are genuinely concerned that she is in immediate danger of hurting herself, you can contact a family member (and 911, although the police are my last resort here). Again, people who are acting out like that depend on you being afraid that they will harm themselves. I am not saying that to dismiss her mental health issues or diminish the seriousness of someone who is struggling with suicidal ideation. 

But, you are not a doctor. There is only so much you can do. 

You don’t need to remove yourself from your community to set boundaries with her. What you need to do is communicate with her as clearly as possible. I know you expressed concern about your bluntness. You can communicate directly and still be kind. 

First, write down exactly what you want to say. 

Be clear with yourself about what your boundaries are, how and to what capacity you can be there for her, if at all. 

Once you’ve done that, practice saying it out loud. Think of how you would want someone to communicate with you. 

You could try something along the lines of “I care about you. I believe you are a good person.But, I can’t be around you when you do x, y, and z. It makes me anxious and uncomfortable.You may not realize that you are hurting other people. I can’t have you in my life if you behave this way. That doesn’t mean I don’t care for you. I want you to get some professional help.” 

That is not abandoning her. That is setting clear boundaries. If she wants to be in your life, she has to respect those. You don’t have to apologize or feel bad about your boundaries. I cannot reiterate this enough…

Being kind and compassionate includes setting clear boundaries. 

You don’t have control over her behavior or how she will react. But you do have control over your life and your boundaries. This is the only way people will change or be pushed to get help — when others break the dysfunctional dynamic. 

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The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m watching,what I’m reading, Rose Quartz, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

How Can I Help My Cheating Best Friend?

This article first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

I'm hoping you can help me out. I've recently reconnected with a friend from primary school (which was a while ago — we went to high school in 1990). We kind of drifted apart because we went to separate high schools and didn't really live close to each other, but we still get along really well. She has developed into the kind of adult I'm friends with, and the feeling seems to be reciprocated.

We probably reconnected about 12 months ago, firstly on Facebook, and then met up for a (very long) lunch a couple of months ago. We have similar views on life, we've both been married for a similar time (13 years), and we still laugh at the same things (mostly ourselves).

However as I've got to (re)know her, I feel like I'm in a situation that is a bit over my head. 

She's not happy with her husband. The main issue was the fact he wants her to move to another state, away from her job (part-time with great hours, works well with her six-year-old kid), family, and friends. This has been an ongoing, divisive, issue for probably a couple of years now. 

They're (finally) in counseling together, and they have both discovered that the other one isn't prepared to compromise about moving. I'm not sure what this means for their marriage, to be honest.

Then, to add to this, she tells me that she's caught up with an old flame. Except they've more than caught up — they've 'caught up,' IYKWIM. More details continue to emerge — the sex is unprotected. She isn't on birth control (she does have a very long history of unexplained infertility, but still.....). 

This has been going on for six months. He's unhappily married to his wife of 20 years. They have three kids. And so on.

I've gone from being understanding about an emotional affair to not knowing what to say when she calls herself a cheating a$$hole.

I understand as a friend that all I can do is sit and listen to this. But do I have other responsibilities? I've never even met her husband; should I be telling him about this? 

I'm strongly encouraging her to be honest with him, explain that their marriage is over (which has become clear to me, as more details of the affair emerge), and to let him go.

She keeps saying it would break his heart. How long is this a reasonable excuse for her (or me) to delay telling him?

In short: what's a girl supposed to do? 

How can I be a supportive friend while not supporting her actions?

Thank you for any direction you can provide!!

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Do I Tell My Friend Her Husband Is On Tinder?

A.

I have been there. I have been the friend that had the information that I didn’t want to have.And it feels really crappy to have to carry around someone else’s secrets. 

As I am sure you know, you have no control over her actions. 

What you do have control over is the boundary you set with her. 

Let’s address a few of your concerns here. First, the husband. You’ve never met him. You are under no obligation to tell him anything or get involved. This is her marriage, her mess. You are not responsible for any of it. So, relieve yourself of that burden right now. 

You mentioned: “I understand as a friend that all I can do is sit and listen to this.” But, guess what? You don’t have to sit and listen to this. If this makes you uncomfortable, you are not a bad friend if you tell her that you’re not the one to come to with this. 

As for her excuse for not telling him — it’s irrelevant. It’s not your job to decide when or how she should tell him. That’s on her. It’s unfortunate. I know sometimes it feels like we want to take people by the shoulders and shake them a little and say “wake up!” But, she’s going to have to get there on her own. But, as I said, you don’t have to be a party to it or feel that you are duty-bound to someone you have never met (her husband). 

So how can you be there without condoning her behavior? 

Set that boundary. 

Tell her that you care for her and will be there for her as a friend, but that when it comes to this subject, you can’t take part. It makes you too uncomfortable. You’ve given her your opinion and advice, and you think that beyond that, it should be a closed subject between you two until she is ready to clean up her side of the street. 

Might she get upset at that? Yes. 

But, you don’t owe anyone solidarity in the face of behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable. 

It is possible to remain friends and be supportive without backing up actions that don’t feel right to you. 

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The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Natrolite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo