Ask Erin: I Don't Know How To Be Honest In My Open Relationship

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hello Erin, 

My partner and I of seven years had a trial run of an open relationship, so to speak. I slept with one person during that time, and I asked them before sleeping with them if they had tested themselves for STIs and HIV. They said they did, and the results were negative. We slept together once. Six months later, I went in for a random STD test, and it turns out I have chlamydia. 

How do I tell my long term partner that I got chlamydia from sleeping with someone in this open relationship? 

I took antibiotics and gave my partner the antibiotics as well, claiming I had a yeast infection instead of an STD and that my doctor said my partner needed treatment as well for this “yeast infection.” They believed me. 

Now I’m stuck in this hole of guilt. I want to tell my partner that it wasn’t a yeast infection but chlamydia. We are both STD free now, but I still want to tell them. 

I’m afraid that they’ll break up with me or see me as a disgusting person. 

I don’t want seven years to go down the drain. I know I should’ve told them when I was first diagnosed, but I was so afraid of what could happen. 

Thanks

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A.

Well, my first thought is that I am confused. You both agreed to try out an open relationship. What is not clear is what “rules’ or boundaries you had both established. Were you allowed to have sex with others? Did you agree to tell each other, or did you agree to keep it private? There are all sorts of arrangements people make in that broad concept of an open relationship. 

An open relationship only works when everyone is in agreement about what that means, what the boundaries area, and then commits to them. 

Since you are asking this question, I’m going to guess that you didn’t adhere to whatever agreements you’d initially set forth. So what to do now? 

I hold no judgment over decisions people make about the truth in regards to their relationship. Sometimes that desire, to tell the truth, is more about alleviating one’s guilt, than doing the right thing. But when it comes to physical health like this, I think you have no choice but to tell your partner. 

You owe it to them. 

They deserve to have that information, because it affects not only whatever commitments you’ve made to each other, but also their physical health. 

You cannot control their reaction. They might be mad or hurt. They might look at you differently. But in my experience, the trust is already damaged there; they just don’t know it yet. If you don’t tell them, your anxiety about it is likely to continue to eat at you and affect your relationship. 

I also need to remind you here that whatever type of sex you’re having, in whatever context, PLEASE use protection. 

A person telling you, “yeah, I’ve been tested; I’m fine” is not practicing safe sex. The outcome could be a whole lot worse than chlamydia. 

Your best course of action here is just telling the truth. As someone who ran from telling the truth for a long time, I can tell you that your anticipation of the truth being out there is a million times scarier than actually telling it. Hopefully, the two of you can use this as an opportunity to have an honest dialogue about what you watch want moving forward. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Albite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This article first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Need Help With My Non-Existent Married Sex Life

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I need help! 

My husband and I have been married for less than two years. We have a two-year-old daughter, and our sex life has become obsolete. 

When we first got together, we were passionate and adventurous lovers. Once I got pregnant, that all went out the window. 

I have ZERO sex drive and don’t even want to be touched. 

He doesn’t force it, and when he tries to be intimate, I push him away. I feel so awkward! 

I know he thinks it’s him even when I tell him it’s me. I love my husband, and I want to fix this! Please HELP save our sex life.

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A.

You are not alone. This is a common experience for people of all genders after having a child. And it’s even more common for the partner who was pregnant and gave birth. Since that’s you, I’m going to focus on that. 

There are multiple factors affecting sex drive after having a child.

The first couple of months (let’s be real; it’s the first couple of years, especially with your first) bring sheer physical exhaustion, a lack of sleep. If you’re breastfeeding, there is the release of prolactin (which can lower your libido), not to mention other hormonal changes, and this can be coupled with getting used to the changes your body went through from pregnancy and childbirth. 

It’s A LOT to process — emotionally and physically. You mentioned that you didn’t want anyone to touch you; I could soooo relate. When you have a little one on top of you, nursing, needing to be held, all the time, it’s understandable that you want a break from physical contact. So cut yourself a little slack. That said, it is frustrating for your partner. 

What’s great is that you want to fix this. 

You love your husband. You are clear on that. 

The first thing I’d suggest is seeking some counseling. I’d start with you. Having a place to unburden yourself from the mental and physical exhaustion and changes that come with being a parent to a therapist can be extremely helpful for your sanity. Sometimes we need someone who is NOT our partner with whom we can unpack all that parenting stress. 

Secondly, you may want to see a marriage counselor together. It can be helpful for both of you to be able to process what you’re going through as a couple, together, but with an objective third party. Then leave it there, in their office, keeping your home out of the fray. 

Make the time to reconnect, to be emotionally intimate, without the pressure or expectation of sex. 

When we put a lot of pressure on ourselves about sex, it can take all the fun out of it. One way to get back on track is to plan intimate time with your husband that doesn’t involve sexual contact. Get a babysitter and go to a hotel for an afternoon of lounging around, ordering room service, talking, reading side by side, maybe a bubble bath, but no sex (and NO PHONES). For a more cost-effective date, wait until the toddler is asleep and have a midnight picnic in your living room with your favorite gourmet treats. 

Someone told me about an idea that I have yet to try, but absolutely love — a two-person book club. Put aside twenty minutes, or even ten, each night to read to each other. You can pick one book and take turns, or two books and divide up the time. There is something delightful intimate about lying down and having someone read to you. 

Schedule alone time, and by alone time, I mean time solo time, just for you. 

For me, when I have felt like there was something off in my sex life, it was often because I didn’t have any time that was just for me. Planning that time into your schedule is invaluable. You and your husband can take turns. Allow yourself an hour, or an afternoon, or even a night away in a hotel for a solo staycation (if that’s financially feasible). Having that alone time can be so reenergizing and make you feel more like you, which is something that is challenging after we have kids. 

Don’t lose hope. You both want this to work. Your sex life may never be what it once was, but it can be even better. You just need to reorganize how you approach intimacy. 

XOXO

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Vivianite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This article first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: Why Do I Only Want To Sleep With Married Men?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin...

I recently had sex with a married man (he’s 50). 

We met online and had been talking for a couple of months now. I don’t have feelings for him and most likely won’t develop any for him.

I don’t even know why I am sleeping with him. To be quite honest, I could have most of the guys my age (around 22), but it just seems so boring to me, so common. The idea of sleeping with a married man is inviting and has a taste of danger too.

Now I think it is important to point out that I wouldn’t do this with a man who says he is happily married. I wouldn’t to try to seduce one. I would only have sex with men if they are already willing to cheat on their wives and have decided to take action on the matter, but not try to convince someone to cheat. I think predisposition plays a huge difference in this scenario.

My question is, why do I only want to sleep with older or married men? 

Is it that I am looking for some danger or excitement in my life? 

I have to say that I am not into “normal” stuff that people usually do to have fun — like partying, drinking, drugs. That all seems boring to me. I find true excitement in doing things like these that are considered wrong by society. 

What do you think is the reason for that? 

Thanks!

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A.

In the ten-plus years of my Ask Erin column, I’ve learned a few things. One of those things is that people usually know the answer to their question. 

Often we ask for advice because we need someone else to validate what we know to be true or to say the thing that we may be afraid to say out loud. 

I think that’s the case with you. 

As you said, a big part of the allure is that it’s taboo; it’s considered wrong. You get a thrill from that. I think it’s more than that, but I do believe you need to unpack this. 

In my experience, when sex becomes focused on the external part of it that makes it thrilling — infidelity, any kind of secrecy, with a co-worker, etc. — that can be an indication of compulsive behavior. Often those compulsive behaviors fall under the umbrella of sex and love addiction. 

Negative consequences usually define sex and love addiction, and perhaps you haven’t felt any of those yet, but there is a major thing that is happening here. 

Sleeping with these older married men all but guarantees that you will not find yourself in a long term relationship, and I think that’s the underlying goal. 

When I was younger I was the “other woman,” I cheated on my own partners, I dated men who were very clearly unavailable in varying ways (ask me about how many long-distance “relationships” I was in).

The thing is, over time, I began to see that I was subconsciously getting into relationships, both casual and serious, that were destined to fail. I needed them to fail, whether by my actions or the other person’s. 

What I was really avoiding was emotional intimacy; I suspect that’s true for you as well. 

At the same time, you are seeking out situations that feel risky. As I said above, that’s a red flag. You may not be partying or doing drugs, but there’s a through-line from that behavior to this behavior. 

Enough with the rationalization. I hold no judgment over what two consenting adults do. And, as I said, I’ve participated in all sorts of infidelity. But at a certain point, I couldn’t pretend that my behavior didn’t have repercussions, even if I couldn’t see them. 

When I was briefly married to my older son’s father, he repeatedly cheated on me. So I was in the other position. He told every woman he cheated on me with that we were no longer together, that I knew, that we had an understanding, or any other variation of a lie. 

And I got it. 

When there is deceit, someone is bound to get hurt. 

My suggestion is that you take a look at this with a therapist. Something is going on here, some impetus to put yourself in intimate relationships that give you a false sense of control. I think it’s also worth checking out a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting. I know many people who have benefitted from the program. 

You are young. It’s okay that you don’t have this all figured out. But you deserve more than you’re giving yourself. And in the long run, your relationship with yourself is the one that will be most damaged by continuing unhealthy dating patterns with the mid-life crisis set. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Chalcopyrite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My 20-Year-Old Son Is Engaged To A 53-Year-Old Woman

Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I'm at a loss for what to do. 

My son, “Jeremy” (not his real name), is a smart young man who just turned 20. He was going to college and getting great grades. 

He just informed my husband and me that he's not going back to school for the spring semester, and he's planning on getting married to a 53-year old -woman from our neighborhood. 

Jeremy used to be friends and play sports with several of her kids. I never really thought there was anything weird going on until a few pictures of them showed up on social media, including her visiting him at school a few months ago. We asked him if he was seeing her and he lied and said no, or got evasive. We found out they were engaged from our daughter (WTF).

"Marylin" (not her real name) is a family acquaintance and doesn't have a stable life. She's got five children, one of whom is older than Jeremy, and has a reputation for being a gold digger ( I don't like that term, but it fits). 

What freaks me out the most is that when Jeremy turns 21, he's eligible for his inheritance from my parents, which is a share in their property and businesses that are run by my husband and I. Marylin knows all about this and has asked us about wedding venue costs, if she can have the wedding on "his part" of the property, what her role will be in the business once they're married, and how soon she and her kids can move into one of the houses we own. Jeremy has started pushing us to let her move into an empty property we manage, attached to some sob story about her current landlord. I'm not even going to get into the off-kilter social media stuff and how she goes on rants about my family and then calls us and asks us for something like money or a place to live. 

This woman has literally only been in our lives less than three weeks, and already Jeremy has threatened to stop speaking to his sister, me, and several other family members because we're "evil" to Marilyn. Jeremy is an adult, yes, but my husband and I do have the final say about when our children's inheritance is distributed. 

I have no idea how my life became an episode of Dynasty, but I'm over it. 

I can't and won't forbid him from doing things, but this situation has wrong written all over it. We're not the type of people to cut our kids off, and we want to make sure Jeremy has support when this inevitably blows up. 

How do I approach this in any normal way? Is this some kind of late teen rebellion?

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A.

I can understand why you’re distressed. Now, I don’t think significant age-gap relationships are inherently problematic. However, the wisdom and experience that comes with age can cause an imbalance of power dynamics. 

It’s not the age difference that concerns me; it’s the bucket full of red flags. 

As I said, a large age gap in and of itself is not the issue, but I do find it concerning that her kids grew up with him. Again, it gives me pause about the power dynamics in their relationship. If one partner was seen as a parental figure, the younger partner may still naturally defer to them as an authority figure. But again, this is not what is troublesome. 

What is troublesome? He is choosing to drop out of school to get married. Their relationship is causing disruptions in his relationships with you — his parents, his sister, and other family members. This seems to be a rather sudden and rushed engagement. And…

The biggest red flag here is the eagerness to get a hold of Jeremy’s inheritance.

And I mean not only her eagerness but his as well. As someone who had access to money in my early 20s and did NOT handle it well, I can tell you — no good can come from this. Whether she is after his money or not, I don’t think, at 20, he should have access to it either. 

You asked if this was some sort of late teen rebellion. I don’t think that is what this is about, but that’s irrelevant. As you said, you have the final say in how and when his inheritance is distributed. In your shoes, I would delay this. Even without the fiancé, in my opinion, very few 21-year-olds can handle that level of fiduciary responsibility. 

As you said, you can’t forbid him to marry her; he is an adult. However, you can restructure how and when he gets his inheritance. That doesn’t mean you are cutting him off. If this woman truly loves him, she will want to be with him with or without the cash. 

The other thing you can do is set boundaries, with both of them. 

You are entirely within your rights to set boundaries around the inheritance, around their roles in your family business, and your property. Further, you can and should set boundaries with Marylin about ranting about your family on social media and her role within the family. 

Stay calm, come from a place of empathy and love, but set those boundaries!

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Blue Aragonite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

Ask Erin: How Can I Make Real Friends Without Being Fake?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I feel lonely. 

The friends I have usually have been friends for a long time, and I sometimes make new ones. But I don't seem to have enough friends (those I have are often too busy to do things, and I might do something with each of them once every year or two). I definitely have no close friends at this point.

I have kind of a tough personality, so I don't get along with everyone. 

That's okay. Years ago, I tried that Dale Carnegie stuff, and I found it just made things worse since all it did was teach me how to bend over backward to maintain fake friendships with people who didn't really like me and with whom I never had much if any fun. (In one case even I befriended someone who made it a condition of the friendship that I couldn't talk to her anymore.) 

As soon as I would slip up and be real, I would not just lose a friend but usually gain an enemy. Worse, the submissiveness and genuine care for others' feelings it taught me to adopt as second nature have turned me into a reclusive little wimp because it makes me hyperaware of how others dislike me. (Being sarcastic and disagreeable really works a lot better when you can be bold and confident about it.)

Other ideas such as volunteering haven't been happy experiences for me or for the people I have worked with/for, and again I am more likely to gain enemies than friends with these activities. 

Putting on a fake smile and pretending to be interested in and positive about stuff I don't like just seems to breed resentment in people once I am "found out.” It has proven time and again over 15+ years to fail.

What else can I do?

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A.

I didn’t know who Dale Carnegie was, so I looked him up. (For those who don’t know he wrote How to Win Friends and Influence People, which I have never read.) Anyhow, it sounds like you didn’t get much out of the courses. 

I am sorry you’ve been struggling to make and maintain friendships. Understandably, you feel frustrated and lonely. I think it’s important to acknowledge that you are aware that you’re difficult to get along with. This is a significant factor here.

It is possible to become more flexible with your personality without feeling like you’re “bending over backward.” 

I was struck by what you mentioned about a friend whose condition of continuing friendship with you required not to speak. That’s extreme and not the foundation of a friendship at all. What all of these friends and ex-friends have in common is you. 

You are likely comfortable being sarcastic and disagreeable. A little of this goes a long way. It can be exhausting for other people to spend time and energy with someone who appears not to care. I have had friendships like this in the past, and they were difficult to maintain because, at a certain point, I would think this person doesn’t even like me; what am I doing here? 

I’m curious if you’ve addressed this with a therapist. I know you mentioned the courses, but clearly, that wasn’t the answer. You said that after the courses, you felt more aware of how others disliked you. 

I’d bet that most of those people don’t, in fact, dislike you, but rather you are reading them based on your feelings about yourself. 

Which is why I’m going to circle back to therapy. It sounds like some things need to be worked out. It may seem like a cliché, but the quality of our relationships with others is dependent on the quality of the relationship we have with ourselves. 

I also think you need to get clear with yourself about what you desire in friendship, what qualities in another person would make you want to be friends with them. Be conscious of treating others the way you want to be treated. 

As you define friendship for yourself, you will be able to discern the types of people you want to let into your life.

As for where and how to find like-minded people, look for people who have the same interests as you. While volunteering is lovely, that may not be the most effective way to find your people. Don’t discount online groups as a means of finding friends. As a writer, I have formed some of my deepest friendships with people I met online in writing groups. Many of those friendships transferred to IRL friendships. Seek out groups that align with your interests, whatever they may be.

Now, another thing I want to say is that all of that sarcasm and disagreeableness is your defense against getting too close, against getting hurt. 

I think if you dig deep on this, you will find that it’s easier to have people in our life when we know sometime down the line we may sabotage things with our behavior. Sarcasm and disagreeableness make it easy to keep people at arm’s length. I don’t believe that’s the real you. That’s the armored you. 

Take a chance on being vulnerable, and you will likely find that you form the connections you’ve wanted all along. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Sodalite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Wife Wants A Polyamorous Relationship & I Don’t

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

My wife wants to try a polyamorous relationship, and I don’t.

So my wife and I have been married for three years now we have a two-year-old daughter. Since before we got together, she says she has been thinking about this and had continued to think about it when we started dating and after we got married. 

A while back, I had opened up to her that I feel I might be trans. 

She has been very supportive as I try to figure myself out. She is now comparing her situation with mine. 

I love my wife with all my heart, and I love our family. I just can’t seem to bring myself to be okay with this right now. I told her to give me time to think about it. I’m trying to see the good about it all but also want time to see what the bad could be. 

Thinking about the fact that she would be out having sex with some guy, then coming home to me is not okay with me. 

She goes to school in the mornings, and I work evenings. We don't get to see each other much as is. So when I have a day off, and she's not in a class, I like to be able to spend that time together. I also don't think I'm okay with having our daughter around someone else. 

I mean, I do feel like I'm lacking an emotional connection with her since we are so busy all the time. But I'm trying as hard as I can. I can’t take the possibility of our child lacking any emotional connection with either of her mothers. She tells me every time we talk about it that I'm not supporting her. 

I need advice.

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A.

I get variations of the polyamory question quite frequently. And it’s invariably some version of one partner wanting to open the marriage up to polyamory and one partner wanting to remain monogamous. Neither of you is wrong for what you want out of the relationship. But I think you need to be clear with one another about expectations and boundaries. 

Before opening up your relationship, the two of you need to agree on what that looks like. 

There is a difference between polyamory and an open relationship. While they are both consensual forms of non-monogamy, there is a difference. Generally speaking, an open relationship implies a primary relationship (as in you and your wife) that allows for sex outside of that relationship. Polyamory is usually defined as having more than one romantic relationship at the same time. 

These are two very different scenarios. It’s not entirely clear to me from your email which type of non-monogamy your wife is interested in pursuing. But, it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to take that leap either way. 

What won’t work is you acquiescing to something that feels wrong for you. 

In your email, you mentioned that you wouldn’t be okay with her having sex with some guy and then coming home to you, nor would you be okay with having your daughter introduced to another partner. You have your answer right there; this is not something you want to participate in, at least not today. 

Your wife compared her situation to you grappling with your identity as possibly being trans. While it may be an unfair comparison, it sounds like what she is struggling with is monogamy and perhaps her identity as a wife. At the same time, being supportive of her doesn’t mean you shelve your own very valid feelings. 

Before any changes to the marriage occur, I strongly suggest seeking the guidance of a therapist. Ideally, you would do so individually and as a couple. I think you need the time and space to work out your feelings of possibly being trans as well as what you want and need from your relationship, as well as what you can give. 

While it can be scary to get honest about your needs and boundaries, it is essential for your relationship to survive and thrive.

Neither of you is going to be happy pretending in your relationship. I am hopeful that with honest and open communication, you can arrive in a place of understanding, one that will lead you to take the right next steps, either together or separately. I hope that you can work things out, especially as you have a child together. That said, life is too short to remain in a marriage pretending that you’re okay with an arrangement that is actually making you miserable. If you find yourself at an impasse, honor your feelings. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Pink Tourmaline, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Can't Stop Comparing Myself To My Mother-In-Law

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I can’t stop comparing myself to my mother-in-law. 

Every single day is a struggle. 

I’m not good at getting up early, getting dressed, cleaning — any normal thing a mom should do. My mother-in-law is the opposite. She’s always up early, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and working. 

My husband expects most of this to be done. It has been his whole life. Instead, the house is messy, and apparently, so am I. 

I feel so low and ashamed about it. I want to change, and my husband knows this. I’ve made many attempts but only fail. 

It’s especially hard since my mother-in-law and I don’t get on well. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I just can’t keep up. 

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A.

I am so sorry that you are struggling. 

It can be a quick descent into self-loathing when we focus on the things we are ashamed of, the things we have convinced ourselves we “aren’t good at.” 

This tape you are playing in your head on repeat — the one detailing all the ways you are failing — is full of lies. And it sounds like the strained relationship with your mother-in-law and your husband’s expectations are adding to it. 

I want you to focus on some facts that you have been overlooking. The things you feel you aren’t good at are just things you don’t have the years of practice doing, that your mother-in-law does. That doesn’t make you inadequate at them or incapable of learning these basic skills. You are capable of doing these things.

Don’t strive to be just like your husband’s mother, because you never will be. 

Why? You are an individual, and I am positive that there are things you do well, that she does not. 

Further, as well as you may know her, you are comparing your insides with her outsides. Sure, you see all these things she does well to run a household. As perfectly as it may seem she does these things, they aren’t indicative of your lack of value as a person. It’s a trap that many of us fall into when we are feeling low. 

Focus your energy and attention on what you bring to the table.I want you to make a list of all the things big and small that you are good at. Big things, little things — list them all. Maybe you make great grilled cheese; perhaps you’re a good listener, a good friend, or a joke teller. 

Don’t diminish the value you bring to people’s lives, especially your husband’s. 

As for his expectations, well, you have no control over them. But, remember that he married you, knowing full well who you were. If he is expressing his unhappiness about the state of the house, sit him down and make a list, one that you can divide, of tasks that you can agree to take on, and ones that he can handle. The burden of all this should not rest on your shoulders alone. 

Couple’s counseling would really benefit your marriage. It’s essential to get clear with each other about what your wants and needs are. This includes your wants and needs! Your husband needs to receive the message that you are not his mother. 

As for your relationship with your mother-in-law, harmony here will boil down to acceptance and boundaries. 

Accept that she is who she is, and she likely will not change. However, if she is unkind with you, you can and should set boundaries. I think boundary-setting is best done by being clear, kind, and consistent. If she criticizes how you do something, you can set a boundary by telling her this is what works for you. Then change the subject and move on. If you repeatedly set boundaries calmly and securely, she will likely adjust her behavior as well. In the meantime, vent to your friends. 

Lastly, and most importantly, I kept thinking as I read and re-read your email that you may be dealing with depression. 

Many of the feelings you described are in sync with symptoms of clinical depression and other mental health issues. I strongly suggest the help of a therapist and/or psychiatrist to get to the bottom of these feelings of shame and failure and inability to keep up with life. 

I know that things are feeling bleak. Shifting your perspective, taking some small actions, and getting some professional help will go a long way to turn things around for you. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Lapis Lazuli, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more... XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Boyfriend Blocked Me On Social Media For Stalking Him

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin, 

I am having some really challenging issues in my love life. 

I have been with this guy for almost two years now. The first year we were in the same city, and the second year he moved to another city for a job which is like a four hour drive. 

Things were going fine until the point when he started making new friends in that city. 

I have to agree I am quite insecure about things in general. He didn't tell me initially that he made friends to avoid any kind of fights, and I found out about this by stalking him on apps like Venmo and Facebook. 

He told his friends about me. To make me feel less insecure, he even put his WhatsApp with me, but since I stalk him a lot, he blocked me on Facebook and Instagram, which bothered me a lot. 

I can't stop stalking him again and again by making fake accounts, using friends’ accounts, and things like that. 

So I think this stalking habit is making things worse for both of us. My boyfriend is someone who is private about things and someone who doesn't like to be told what to do and what not to do. Because of this stalking thing, whenever I see that he posted something or followed someone, I can’t control myself — confronting him about this, asking him about it — which makes things so messy. He ends up being furious about it and shutting me out for days. 

He keeps telling me that he won’t do anything wrong, but he doesn't want me on his social media until he is sure that I don't stalk him. 

All these things really bug me a lot, and I don't know what to do because talking with him doesn't help.

Can you please suggest me something to get over this problem?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Is My Depression Pushing My Boyfriend Away?

A.

Yours is a question that I get quite frequently. Social media stalking is, unfortunately, a common behavior when someone is not feeling secure in a relationship. 

I have seen this happen many times. Insecurity is present, social media stalking ensues, it pushes your partner away, and the insecurity grows. I know this feels like it’s about your relationship, and it may well be. The thing is whether he has done things to prompt this insecurity, or it’s self-manufactured is irrelevant. 

This is a decidedly unhealthy cycle you’re in, and getting to the bottom of it is imperative for your mental health. 

I strongly suggest seeking the help of a therapist to get a clearer picture of what’s happening here. From what you mentioned in your email, it sounds like you’ve expressed your insecurities, and he has mostly responded/taken actions designed to make you feel at ease. I can understand why your boyfriend is feeling frustrated by your behavior. That said, your gut keeps putting up red flags. 

Your intuition is telling you that something about the relationship is not working for you, even if he has done nothing wrong. 

Maybe a long-distance relationship is just not right for you; maybe he is not right for you. And that’s okay. Neither of you has to be doing anything wrong for the fit to be off. In my experience, if there are continual bumps like this in a relationship, even if they seem irrational or illogical, they are indicative of the relationship just not working. 

As I said, therapy would be so beneficial for you to sort out what is really going on. There are also support groups like CoDA (12-step program aimed at addressing compulsive dysfunctional relationship behaviors). The more you take the focus off of what he is doing and on to what you can control, the better off you will be. It’s not healthy for you or your relationship to waste time and energy stalking him on social media. 

Who would you be without stalking him?

When you feel compelled to start investigating every Venmo transaction or Instagram comment, take a moment, and choose another action. Pick up a book, watch TV, write, go for a walk, meditate. Commit to choosing another activity for 10 minutes. When that 10 minutes is up, commit to another ten minutes and so on. 

Obsessive behaviors like this are often rooted in the ritual of repetition, and we have to make decisions to change those patterns actively. Try that technique for the immediate and, longterm, work to get at the root of all that insecurity. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Malachite (my fave), or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more... xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Want A Fresh Start

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Erin,

I want a fresh start after being a toxic person with a toxic past.

I am a 23-year-old woman who is kind-hearted, sweet, and loving. However, I have had a rough past—from being a rebellious teen to lying profusely to exaggerating relationships to help me fit in/for attention. 

I am aware that I have made great changes. I’ve gone to therapy, admitted my wrongs, and have started some medication to help me with my depression and anxiety. 

It’s hard because even though I have accepted my flaws from the past, I'm fearful that I won't get respect from others. I also fear people will only think of me as a liar when I'm not—anymore, at least. 

How do I stand firm in knowing that I have made mistakes and want to grow from those mistakes? 

How do I not care what anyone thinks of me deciding to change my life for the better? How do I not allow the world — that is imperfect itself — to come into my world and tear me down? 

How do I walk firmly and confidently in my own shoes without fearing what people are going to think of me, based on my past?

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A.

You have come to the right place. 

I have made ALL the mistakes. I was also toxic. I lied about drugs and cheating and my feelings. I gaslit my friends and family and boyfriends. These are not things I am proud of, and I used to carry so much shame about my past. But I don’t anymore, and you don’t have to either. 

Here’s the thing about mistakes — EVERYONE makes them.

Do some of us make big mistakes? Yes. What’s wonderful about being human is that we have the ability to learn from our mistakes and change behaviors, which is exactly what it sounds like you are doing. And you are still so young! 

As you may already know from reading my column, I struggled with heroin addiction until I was 28 years old. I became a mom, and I had no idea how to be a functioning adult, let alone a mother or a healthy partner. So, even off of drugs, I continued to make a lot of mistakes, I continued to learn how to shed my old toxic behaviors. What I’m saying is that it took me a LONG time. 

I used to feel like my past was something to hide, but as I began opening up about my past, I realized that living in the truth, even when it feels scary, brings freedom. As I began to accept myself, I realized how the mistakes of my past shaped who I am today. It takes bravery and character to own our missteps, even when they were enormous, and learn and change and grow. 

You are the kind-hearted, sweet, and loving young woman you are today, the one you are still becoming, because of those mistakes and what you’ve learned from them, not in spite of them.

Also, I want to tell you how proud I am of you. You are taking actions to make your mental health a priority. At 23, you are tackling adult responsibilities better than most.

It does not surprise me that depression and anxiety are at the root of your toxic behaviors. I relate all too well, and taking care of your mental health now with therapy and medication is a big deal and no small feat. Many of us run from doing that for years. 

In addition to continuing the work, I want you to show yourself some compassion. 

I hated myself for so many years, and my actions confirmed the distorted belief system I had about myself. Now, when I look back, I have compassion for the girl I was, the young woman I was. You deserve compassion, too. 

Now, I understand the fear of judgment from others. We have no control over what others think of us. The truth is some people might judge you for the person you used to be. Those people are not your people. 

If someone is going to look down on you or make you small because of your past, it says far more about their character than it does about yours. 

You are on the right path. Don’t be afraid to show people the person you are today, how far you’ve come. With time, you will feel strength standing in the truth of who you are. 

It’s a lie for any of us to say we don’t care what anyone thinks of us. BUT, there will come a day when you feel secure in setting boundaries with people who want to tear you down. You will learn to surround yourself with people who see you, who love you, who accept you. You’re doing so well. Keep growing and evolving and moving forward. I believe you will. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Hiddenite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: Is My Depression Pushing My Boyfriend Away?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I’m concerned my boyfriend is backing away because of my depression.

I have depression, and my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now. He has said before that my depression worries him because of his last girlfriend, who had depression. She didn't do anything about it and treated him badly.

I have, at times, mistreated him due to letting my depression (and the anger it has caused) take over. 

He has addressed it with me, and I see where he is coming from. I needed to hear it so I could adjust how I react and behave when I feel it gets the best of me. I have been seeing a therapist for the last two months, and I have made huge improvements. 

I still have bad days, especially when life events stress me out, that are again mine to take care of. Things like that fuel my depression, and I have an initial moment of breakdown before I calm and come up with a way to fix it.

I would like to talk to him about it, so I am not only talking to my therapist. I am scared to do so because I am afraid he will shut down on me or think I am taking it out on him or even expecting him to fix it for me. 

I know that all my problems are mine to fix. 

All I have ever wanted from him was support, comfort, and knowing he is there for me. 

But I don't know how to approach this with him. Please help.

You Might Also Like: When Your Addiction And Depression Are In A Codependent Relationship

A.

I understand both your position and your boyfriend’s. 

For many years, my mental health issues went mostly unchecked. My coping mechanisms—drugs, cheating, spending money, pushing people away—were toxic and destructive. Even as I began to undo my years of crappy learned behavior, I struggled. 

It’s an awful feeling to know that you’re acting out—sabotaging, misdirecting your anger and sadness—but incapable of stopping yourself. I remember that feeling well. 

I am happy to read that you have been seeing a therapist and working on your mental health. Our mental health is not our fault, but it is our responsibility. And you are taking care of yourself in significant ways, not just for your relationship, but, more importantly, for your happiness and stability. 

One thing that gives me pause here—you mentioned that you wanted to be able to speak to your boyfriend about what you’re struggling with so that you’re not only talking to your therapist. I think you need to get clear with yourself about your expectations. 

While you should certainly feel like you can speak with your partner about what’s going on in your life, don’t make your boyfriend your therapist. 

Your therapist is there to process and work through your mental health issues with you. I think that it puts undue pressure on a relationship to expect our significant other to take on that role. Again, you shouldn’t hide what’s going on with you, but leave the heavy lifting to your therapist. 

I also find that my husband and I are both happier (and I am more satisfied) when I turn to my friends with the day to day problems. So if you’re looking for that extra support, lean on your friends rather than your romantic partner. 

I hope that you understand that I am not suggesting your partner be left out of what’s happening in your life, or that you shouldn’t want or need love and support. But, from my experience, my relationship suffers when I look to my partner for answers that I need to figure out on my own, or with friends or a therapist. 

You have no control over his reactions or how he responds to your depression, but you do have control over how you take charge of your mental health. 

That’s important to remember. Will he back away because of your depression? I can’t answer that. If he does, it is not your fault; it’s not within your control. What is in your controller the actions you take to care for yourself. And that’s just what you’re doing. Recognize that. It’s a big deal, a positive one. Share your wins with your boyfriend. Let him know what’s working.

What’s awesome is that all the positive changes in your behavior will be evident. Might you still have bad days, backslides? Yes. Don’t beat yourself up over those moments, but continue to use the new tools you’re learning to regulate your emotions and move forward. That positive change in behavior is the best thing for all of your relationships, including this one. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Golden Yellow Topaz, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Daughter Hates Me

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

My daughter hates me.

I have a 17-year-old daughter. She says our relationship has been bad for the last two years. Now she lives far away from where I am because she’s on a scholarship and wants to finish her studies there. Meanwhile, I’m working trying to make ends meet for both of us. 

She has always been determined to get what she wants in life, and no matter what I said or did, I could never get her to listen to me. 

So when she said she wanted to stay on in the country where I used to live and work while I was in my home country, I said yes. And now she doesn’t want to come back home, not even on holiday because she says she is scared of me being manipulative and making her feel bad. 

I don’t know what I’ve done to make her feel that way, but that’s what she said. 

I don’t know what else to do now as I’ve done pretty much everything she’s asked of me. Please help.

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A.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this rough time with your daughter. I can understand why you feel hurt and confused. It’s hard for me to discern what it is she is upset about because I feel like I am missing information. It sounds like you’re missing information, too, or not looking at the whole picture. She may well be in the wrong here. 

But you also need to listen to what she’s said to you. 

She said that she didn’t want to come home because she was afraid that you would be manipulative and make her feel bad. I think you need to consider that even if you are not doing anything intentionally, there is a dynamic between you that is not healthy, that doesn’t feel secure. 

That doesn’t mean that this is your fault. But it doesn’t mean it’s all her fault either.

When people tell us that they feel a certain way around us/because of us, we need to take stock and evaluate where we may be at fault, even unintentionally. 

Something you wrote stuck out to me: “She has always been determined to get what she wants in life, and no matter what I said or did, I could never get her to listen to me.” 

This is a common issue between children and parents, particularly in the adolescent and early adult years. I remember struggling with my parents in my teens and into my twenties. Likewise, now as a parent, I am on the other end of it, frustrated at times like you are, with my teenager. 

As parents, the issue of control is a big one. I have to work at it continually, to give up that control, to allow my kid to make his own decisions, even when I don’t like them. Part of growing up is learning how to make our own decisions, learning that sometimes those decisions might not serve us well, and, most importantly, learning how to fail. 

You need to let go of that control. 

Let her make her own decisions. In my experience, children (even adult children) tend to start listening once we stop demanding it. 

Allow her to make those choices without your advice or opinion, and you too can set boundaries for when and how you communicate. When you do speak, keep a level head. If she takes the conversation in an argumentative direction, lead by example. Stay calm. Don’t react. 

I am always amazed at how much easier it is to break unhealthy dynamics when I focus on changing my behavior and reaction rather than trying to force the other person to do so. 

Don’t lose hope here. She is still a teenager. She is learning who she is in the world. Instead of fighting with her for control over her life, let her have it, and be there for her. She will come back to you; you need to change the pattern. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Charoite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Boyfriend Keeps Commenting On My Body

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin, 

I don’t know how to deal with my boyfriend’s comments about my body.

I’m in a long term relationship with a guy. He’s normally funny and sweet. I love him a lot and enjoy spending time with him. 

However, sometimes, when we are just chilling and cuddling, he will make comments about my body that seem to come out of nowhere. For example, the other day, he suggested that I should get breast implants. 

This upset me, and I told him so (I have no desire for plastic surgery, and my breasts are already DD naturally, which I’ve felt insecure about). He apologized, but later, a few days after, he did it again while we were intimate. 

I feel annoyed and ugly. 

I’m not sure what to say to get him to cut it out.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: I Have Never Felt Pretty

A.

Ugh. It infuriates me that your boyfriend is commenting on your body. And even more so since you told him how it makes you feel. 

This type of behavior is a form of gaslighting. 

It’s dealbreaker behavior. Even if we give him the benefit of the doubt — and he’s not consciously trying to undermine your confidence — this is a huge red flag. 

If you were my sister/friend/daughter, I would tell you to get out of this relationship. In my experience, this pattern of commenting on a partner’s appearance leads to more severe forms of gaslighting and controlling. I understand that this may seem like an extreme reaction, but it’s not. 

That said, there is a chance that you can correct course here, BUT only with some very clear boundaries AND I would recommend you see a couples’ counselor together. He must hear what you are saying, and sometimes an objective third party is the one who can help that happen. 

I’m going to tell you what I have told countless friends over the years… 

Don’t stay with someone who is almost right for you.

Yes, he may be funny and sweet, but do you really want to make a long-term commitment to someone who says things he knows are hurtful because he wants to change something about your breasts? I don’t like it at all. You deserve to be loved by someone who loves the breasts you have now. Because every body is a good body. 

As I said, at the very least, draw that line. Please don’t stay with someone who continually chips away at your self-esteem and ignores your feelings. You are worth so much more. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Fire Agate, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I'm Jealous Of My Boyfriend's Ex-Wife

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I’m having a lot of trouble dealing with my jealousy towards my boyfriend’s ex-wife. 

They were together for seven years, married for two. He has two kids with her. She cheated on him and left him, but she texts him every day and still calls him to check up on the kids 24/7. 

My boyfriend doesn’t want any more kids. I do, and I’m jealous she was able to give those things to him, and I can’t. When it’s his week to have the kids, she will always be there and go to the park with them and trick-or-treating with them. 

She dislikes me and doesn’t want me around even though we have only been dating for a month. 

I feel so jealous, and I don’t know how to handle it.

All the things I want, she gave him, and he doesn’t want those things again. 

Help.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Help! I’m Jealous Of My Boyfriend’s BFF’s Relationship 

A.

There are two issues here. Let’s take a look at them separately. 

I understand that it can be frustrating and intimidating that the ex-wife is in the picture. But they have two kids together. They have a seven-year history. You have only been dating for a month. 

If you want to move forward with this relationship, you will have to accept that she’s going to be a part of his life. 

With kids, there’s no way to avoid that. You need to be honest with yourself about how comfortable you would be longterm with the situation because she is not going anywhere. 

Now, your boyfriend can undoubtedly set some boundaries that will make things more comfortable for everyone. But, it’s up to him to set them. You can certainly set your own limits, but you need to be clear on what will and won’t work for you in this relationship.

Regardless of how she may feel or act, pitting yourself against her is a bad idea.

You don’t want to contribute to any tension the kids may already feel between you. Further, consider that they may be doing things together like trick-or-treating or the park for the benefit of the kids. After I separated from my older son’s dad, I often was in situations with him — ballet recitals, trick-or-treating, birthday parties, etc. — because it was what was best for our son. We had to learn to peacefully co-parent even when we didn’t like each other very much. 

There is a more significant issue here — he doesn’t want any more kids, and you do want kids. 

You are not going to wish him into wanting the same things you want. Might he change his mind? Sure, but we have no way of knowing that. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen people bank on their partner changing some fundamental part of their personality or plans for the future. They are almost always disappointed. 

You have only been dating a month; slow your roll. Instead of focusing on how you want your boyfriend and his ex to change their behavior, figure out what you want in a longterm partner and take an honest look at whether or not this man fits that bill. 

Date the person you want to be with, not the person you are hoping they will be one day. 

This all boils down to boundaries (yours and his), honesty (with yourself and with him), and some perspective — those kids come first, and they always will. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Rainbow Moonstone, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Am Bored With My Life

CONTENT NOTICE: suicidal thoughts

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I'm so satisfied with my life that I don't know what else to do

I'm a woman, 48 years old. For the past ten years or so, I've been feeling content. 

Before, I was suffering from past trauma that led me to depression, suicide, commitment issues, and so on. Then, I took care of myself and freed myself from all those things. I went to therapy; I rebuilt and developed myself again. 

I'd been feeling so content and satisfied with my life since. I’d come to realize that I have reached all my dreams. I'd been in a playful mode; I could find funnies even in my saddest situation. 

But after several years of feeling satisfied, I'm bored.

First, I thought I was bored because I didn't have new dreams. So I tried to generate some. After having reached those new "unnatural/not genuine" dreams, I felt bored again. I raised my standard in doing things in order to have something to pursue. But things seem to be pretty easy for me now. If I succeed, I'm happy. If I don't succeed, I cry a little, evaluate and reflect, and then I learn the lessons. I try to give back to society by providing free services for those who need it. I'm still passionate about it, but not as much as before. 

I practice meditation, mindfulness. I went again for counseling, but the three psychologists I met didn't quite help. None of these has helped me to find the passion again. 

Then, I started thinking about committing suicide again. A long time ago, I was suicidal because I was depressed and desperate. But this time, I can't say I want to commit suicide because I feel sad and depressed — I'm just bored with life because I have nothing else to pursue. 

Do you think you can spark me or challenge my mind so that I can figure out what to do next? 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

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A.

As Kierkegaard said, boredom is “the root of all evil.”

I tend to agree. But first, let’s get clarity on the situation. You are not bored because you are so satisfied with your life. Being satisfied would not equate to boredom. By saying that you are content and satisfied, but bored, and even suicidal, is selling yourself short. 

Boredom is not depression, but they are cousins. 

I describe depression as inertia. For me, depression equals inaction, a lack of decision making. It is like living in a vacuum with no forward motion, stuck on an endless loop. So for me, boredom is a huge symptom of depressive episodes. That can go hand in hand with looking like everything is fine — working, socializing, volunteering, meditating, etc. 

But clinical depression and other mental health issues don’t work that way. Everything in your life can be fine, and you can be doing all the things that should help and still feel awful. Because brain chemistry sometimes needs more than we have in our tool kit. 

What concerns me is that you’re thinking about suicide again.  

This shouldn’t be taken lightly. I know you mentioned that the last three psychologists you saw did not help, but I think you need to keep trying. Find a new one. It sounds like you can access care; I hope you do. From my experience, even if this goes away temporarily, it is likely to come back. And you don’t want to risk having it come back and put you in a place of desperation again.

You asked, “Do you think you can spark me or challenge my mind so that I can figure out what to do next?”

What I want you to do next is to seek some professional help. 

And, outside of that, think about something you may have always wanted to do that you thought wasn’t possible or seemed frivolous. Maybe that means skydiving or hiking. Maybe that means taking an improv class or going on a writing retreat. Whatever it is, take those risks, grab those opportunities. 

But above all else, please seek help for the return of suicidal ideation.

Lastly, you didn’t mention if you have spoken to any friends or loved ones in your email. I encourage you to do so. Connecting with people helps. Being truthful about what we feel inside, even when it feels scary or embarrassing, is freeing. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m baking, Eucryptite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Have Never Felt Pretty

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I have never felt pretty. 

I cannot think of a single time in my whole life that I have ever once felt beautiful. 

In spite of spending lots of times in salons, spending big money to get my hair done or nails or whatever, I've always felt like someone just poured glitter on a trash can. 

I’ve felt like an ugly bride. I see photos of myself at other people's weddings or mine, and I look happy, but I remember how I really felt with all those photos being taken — glitter trash. 

I remember spending days looking for a prom dress and loving the one I got, but still feeling like trash. I just want to know what it's like to look in the mirror and not want to cry or vomit. 

What am I doing wrong? 

I'm a cis female, but I've fantasized about being a guy so that maybe it wouldn't matter so much. 

I wish I could afford therapy, but even online therapy is too much. I've been thinking about trying to lose weight or change my makeup, but it feels like dressing up a goat at this point. 

I see photos of myself as a child, posing in dress-up clothes and wondering if I felt pretty then before society or reality ruined me. 

I wish I could remember.

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A.

I am not a therapist or medical professional, but the type of feelings you have sound like what I’ve experienced with BDD (Body dysmorphic disorder). BDD is described as “a mental disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that, to others, is either minor or not observable.” 

I understand. I really understand what it is like to look in the mirror and hate what you see. And I know that when you’re in it, no amount of reasoning or logic will talk your brain out of it. 

I spent years struggling with this. Sometimes I still do. 

I have had days when I could not leave the house because I felt too ugly, too fat (which is a whole other issue of internalized, unrealistic, arbitrary size standards), too not right. At my worst, I tore clothing, broke mirrors, threw things, scratched my face. 

It’s embarrassing to admit these things. I’m telling you because I understand. When people would compliment me, when anyone called me pretty or sexy or beautiful, all I could think was — somehow I’ve tricked them, somehow they only see what they want to see, they’re lying to make me feel better. It’s horrible to be fixated on our outsides when we hate what we see. 

It hurts my heart to know that you feel this way about yourself. 

And I want you to know that there are things that help. There are things I learned that have helped me improve. 

The number one thing that helped me was CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I know you mentioned that therapy, even online, was too much. I am not sure if you meant too much to handle or too costly. If there is any way you can access some professional help or are willing to try again, I want you to do it. Specifically, to work with a therapist specifically on CBT. 

I had to retrain my brain and practice behaviors that would reinforce healthy thought patterns. 

In addition to CBT, a mindfulness approach helped me greatly. Rather than trying to control the negative thoughts, I learned to acknowledge, observe, and accept them. This is sometimes called ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). 

For many people with BDD, medication can be helpful, as BDD is considered on the OCD spectrum. As I said though, I am not a doctor, and this would be something to discuss with a doctor familiar with the disorder. 

Another option to get some support is through online peer support groups. In the UK, the Body Dysmorphic Disorder Foundation offers a comprehensive list of both in-person and online support groups. In the US, there is a bimonthly online group through the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. And there are more out there as well. 

My struggles with BDD significantly improved as I did the work on my “insides.” As my self-esteem increased, I placed less value on my appearance. And there is one last thing I’d like you to consider…

Beauty is 100% subjective. 

What makes someone beautiful, makes someone sexy, makes someone glow, is the soul inside that shell. I know that it can be so hard to remember, but please try. 

You will never be perfect. You are more than your appearance. And you are beautiful. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Bloodstone, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: Should I Feel Guilty For Sleeping With A Married Man?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I’ve been having sex with a married man.

So, a married man contacted me online. I told him, “no way.” But he persisted. We met, and we started having sex. 

I know it's wrong. But he is the one straying. 

He has awakened me sexually. I don't have emotional feelings for him. I am not sure if I should continue seeing him. But, he has restored me sexually after a bitter divorce. 

Am I being selfish? Or should I enjoy this?

By the way, it’s not his first affair.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Is The Married Man I’ve Been Dating For 4 Years Just Using Me?

A.

You’re correct. He is the one straying. He’s the one who's broken his commitment to his wife. But…

The affair is not without emotional consequences for you or you wouldn’t be writing to me for advice. 

Having an affair, being the “other woman,” carries a lot of complications. Some are obvious, others less so.

The way you got together is full of red flags. He persisted in pursuing you after you said no. This was not a case of happenstance. This was a married man actively pursuing an extramarital affair with you. And, as you mentioned, this is not his first affair. 

Now, I am 100% on board for consenting adults doing what they want with each other. Should that be at the expense of others? Ultimately, that’s your call. But, for me, that would be a big nope. 

I’m speaking from personal experience. When I was 19, I had an affair with a married man who I didn’t have feelings for. In my 20s, I had an affair with a man (who was in a long term relationship) who I was madly in love with, and I have been the cheater, the one in the committed relationships having an affair. 

None of these scenarios made me feel good about myself. 

While this man may have reignited your sexual mojo post-divorce, that part — the I’m enjoying this so much part — is fleeting. That nagging feeling that maybe this isn’t a healthy situation is only going to get stronger. And eventually, it will start to peck away at your self-esteem. None of this is said to shame you, but rather illuminate your worth.

Actions reveal character. This man’s actions reveal his character.

You deserve more than this, even in a purely sexual relationship. 

I think you know this. As I said, it’s why you are questioning everything. Think about what you might say if your best friend or sister or daughter was in this same situation. Would this be what you’d want for them? 

End this. You’re going to be a whole lot happier dating or having sex with someone when it doesn’t involve deceiving someone else. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Zircon, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Husband Is In Recovery, But I Can't Move Forward

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years. We have three children. 

He became addicted to cocaine and prescription medication about three years ago when I was pregnant. 

The problem escalated, and we separated at the start of the year for five months. He went to rehab and has now been in recovery for three months. 

The problem is I feel terrible. I'm so down. I find it hard to forgive him for everything he's put me through. 

I never thought he'd do this to me, and I'm struggling with my feelings and how to move forward. 

I'm proud he's in recovery and that my kids now have a sober dad. But I'm so hurt at everything that has lead up to now. 

I don't know how to move past this.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Will I Lose My Fiance To Rehab?

A.

Being a partner to a person struggling with addiction is challenging, to say the least. I know. I have been the one in rehab, and I’ve been the partner of the one in rehab. It can be stressful and painful for both partners. 

It is understandable that you feel hurt and don’t know how to move past this. 

In my experience, the relationships we have when drinking or using are not healthy, and the unhealthy behavior usually comes from both parties. That may be hard to see from where you stand, but every relationship I had while using drugs depended on my partner’s codependency or other unhealthy relationship behaviors. 

Neither of you knows how to operate in this new dynamic, but you can learn to do so. Going back to what you had isn’t a real option. The relationship you had was broken. 

If you move forward together, your relationship will be an entirely new thing, built on a much healthier foundation. 

And I do think it is worth trying to build something new. You have three kids together. And, no matter what the outcome is, you will need to co-parent peacefully. 

Right now, your husband’s priority should be his sobriety. And your priority should be getting help for yourself. At the very least, you need some way to process what has happened and separate your relationship from his behavior. 

I always think therapy is a good idea. For now, you should each be seeing a therapist separately. Later, I would highly recommend a marriage counselor so that you can take the work you’ve done individually and figure out a path forward together with the help of a neutral third-party. 

Before you make decisions about your marriage, you need to sort out what you feel, what you want, and who you are, as an individual, separate from your partner. 

It’s hard to do that inside our brains, all alone. A therapist is there as a guide to help us figure out things we already know but are clouded by trauma, heartbreak, and, well, life. 

Now, I understand that therapy is not always an option for everyone, for a few reasons, but usually financial. Another way to get yourself some help is through a 12-step program such as Al-Anon or CoDA. Both of these programs can offer a lot of support for anyone struggling within a relationship, but especially for those with a partner who has substance use problems. 

This is not going to be figured out overnight, but I promise it won’t feel this painful and confusing forever. 

Focus on yourself — your wants and needs. Make some time for self-care, even in microdoses, which is often how it is when you have kids (I know!). And stay open to getting to know who both you and your partner are now, as you walk the walk in recovery. You might surprise yourself with what you learn about each other. 

Lastly, recovery is a process, and there are no guarantees that he won’t relapse again. This is why I want to emphasize again how helpful a 12-step program of your own (or other types of support groups, even online) will be for navigating this journey. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Gaspeite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I'm Addicted To My Boyfriend

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I think I have an addiction to my boyfriend. 

I don’t know what happened to me. I m not at all able to live without seeing him or being without him. I feel totally alone when I’m not with him. 

I have forsaken all my friends and mates, though he never told me to do so. It’s been seven or eight months. 

He loves me, but sometimes he just treats me like an option when I’m around him. He seems to care about me less. He seems too busy and in his own world. I have done a lot for him, and I’m trying my best to do all it takes to make this relationship work. But it feels like it’s all in vain. I’m just tired of having this same feeling time and again. 

I want to move on, but like a drug, I’m not able to live without him. 

As a matter of fact, I have expressed my feelings and how it kills me when he ignores me. He apologizes, but he repeats the same mistake again and again. 

I’m so f*cked up. Please help me.

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A.

The good news is that you are aware that there is a problem. That’s a huge first step. And you’re correct in your assessment. 



We can become addicted to people, and those relationships are always unhealthy. 

I know because I have been in them, on both sides. 

What you’re feeling is not love; it’s an obsession. In popular culture, there is a proliferation of messaging that makes us think that love makes us sick, and it's normalized. But is being lovesick akin to true love? I don’t think it is. The relationships I had when I felt lovesick were invariably toxic, and to be clear I was usually the toxic one. 

I want you to hear this: Love can’t live in this type of relationship.

A relationship that is making you this miserable is not sustainable. And regardless of what happens with this relationship, you’ll need to address the issues here, because it’s a pattern that is likely to repeat.  

My old pattern was passion, followed by fear, followed by sabotage. And self-sabotaging behavior can take many forms, like what you’re doing now. You’ve admittedly isolated yourself, you are in a pattern of not getting what you want from your boyfriend (putting aside that what you want may not be reasonable; I don’t know), and you recognize that you need help. 

You must get some help. So where do you begin? First, seeking the help of a therapist would be ideal. It took a lot for me to undo years of my own destructive behaviors. 

I am certain that the underlying problem did not begin in this relationship; this relationship reactivated something for you. 

In addition to or in place of therapy, there are two 12-step programs I think would help. The first is Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. This program has helped SO MANY people I know. They have meetings around the world, it’s free, and you’ll find a support network of peers who are struggling with similar issues. Another program worth looking into is CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) which, like S.L.A.A.,  is also a 12-step program that has meetings worldwide. 

As I said, that you recognize you need help is enormous. Now it’s time to do something about this. You don’t have to continue on in this relationship feeling this way. You can take actions to help yourself. Because this has little to do with your boyfriend individually, and everything to do with what’s going on with you emotionally. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Amazonite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Don't Like My Friends

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I'm hoping you can offer me some insight on the following situation. I'm 33 years old, happily single at the moment, loving my job and my passions (folk music, dancing, writing, staying in shape), but …

I’ve come to the uncomfortable realization that I no longer feel like spending any time with my friends. Any of them. 

I've done some serious work on myself, been to therapy, established the basis of a healthy relationship with myself and others, and with life itself, and with the potential of a serious romantic relationship. I no longer binge-drink, I take my job as a music teacher seriously, and I respect the boundaries of how much activity my body is able to take on. I give myself time to rest and no longer expect myself to go above and beyond what everybody else is doing. I no longer sleep around or engage in any type of toxic or unhealthy relationship (such as hooking up with a coworker who has a wife and kids).

I'm proud of all these things, but I feel alone. One of my friends sleeps around and binge-drinks and wants to party all the time, and I have no interest in that anymore. Another friend badly needs therapy but instead likes to call me and drain my energy with her complaining for three or four hours at a time. And so on. 

I've set boundaries with everyone for the time being, but I don't want to be the flaky person who ghosts her friends. 

However, I also don't know how to let them know tactfully, that I still love them, I just don't like them very much and don't feel like spending time with them. The concern is not that I will remain alone and never make new friends. I'm very social, and I also know these energy shifts always take you in the direction you need to go. My concern is hurting people who have been able to rely on me, and I on them, and I don't think it's their fault they've gotten stuck in the same thing while I've been able to change so much.

Thank you for reading and much love…

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A.

I feel for you. It’s painful to outgrow friendships. And I understand that you don’t want to hurt these people. Before you proceed, you need to make a decision. 

Do you want to have these friends in your life in a less involved way, or not at all? 

If you want to keep these relationships but with less involvement, that is possible. As you mentioned, you’ve set boundaries. You can continue to set any boundary that makes you feel comfortable. I have done this before, needed to distance myself from friendships for one reasoner another. But I didn’t want the friends out of my life; I just couldn’t remain so intertwined with their drama. And it worked. 

Some of them became closer friends again after a time. And some have remained more like acquaintances, and that’s okay too. We can still care for and love people from a distance. 

Conversely, I know I have been on the other side of this. I sensed it and truthfully was happier to have had these friends remain in my life in a limited way, rather than lose them altogether. I don’t fault them for any of it. Sometimes we just have to let go of certain people. 

I know you are afraid of hurting people, but unless you’re acting with malice, stepping away from a relationship that’s no longer working for you, even a friendship, doesn’t make you a bad person. 

You can be clear but kind. Some people will intuit the shift through your increased boundaries and decreased availability. But others may need a bit more clarity. And really, they deserve that. There is no reason you can’t deliver the truth with kindness. It’s what you would want if the roles were reversed. 

So what do you say? Lead with gratitude for the friendship you have shared. Then let them know why the friendship is not sustainable for you. You can say something like, “It’s become hard for me to feel comfortable spending time together because we are in very different places in our lives.” Or, “When you come to me for advice, I can’t give you the answers you’re looking for.” 

Acknowledge that ending the friendship doesn’t come easily for you and that you wish nothing but the best for them. It’s up to you how open you leave the door for social interactions. And remember this…

You can’t control your friend’s reaction. 

They might be hurt, angry, sad, or indifferent. But, if you speak the truth, and do so with compassion, then you don’t need to carry guilt because you've stepped away from a relationship that is not right for you anymore. 

Compassion, kindness, and honesty are key to walking away from any relationship in a healthy manner, especially with those we used to call friends. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Golden Rutilated Quartz, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Can't Handle The Sexual Dynamics Of My Relationship

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

So I have no idea what's wrong with me. 

I have a girlfriend, and we have a child together. 

I do truly love her and my son with all my heart, but I also feel like it’s not enough. 

I have had a seriously messed up past —  an abusive household and abandonment issues, to say the least. However, my true issues lie in my sexual desires. 

I am insatiable, I am a creature of passion and desire, and my girlfriend is, well, not. I can never get it out of my mind.

Am I a sex addict? Am I polyamorous? 

Why can’t I be happy with someone who cares about me even if the sex isn’t what I’d like? Or is this the relationship dynamic? 

I’m so lost and confused. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt. But does that mean I should just repress or swallow what I want? Any advice is appreciated.

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A.

It’s not uncommon in longterm relationships for one partner to have a higher sex drivethan the other. And there are absolutely ways to address this that can improve your relationship, beyond the bedroom. I don’t think you need to blow up your relationship to be happy here, nor do I think you need to repress your needs. We’ll get to that in a bit. However, I think it’s also essential to address one aspect of this that you brought up.

In your email, you questioned if you might be a sex addict.

Sexually compulsive behavior is prevalent among people who have had a history of abuse or abandonment. 

I am speaking from personal experience on this. Research has linked all sorts of compulsive and addictive behaviors to trauma. And abuse and abandonment lead to attachment issues. Feeling like you are constantly looking for sex may be a way of asserting control over that which felt out of control — secure attachments. I spent years disconnecting through sex. I was never satisfied. I often cheated. And those defense mechanisms to avoid getting hurt, avoid abandonment, hurt many people, especially me. 

I urge you to get some counseling to deal with this past abuse and abandonment. Even if they have nothing to do with your sexual dissatisfaction, there is a high likelihood that the past trauma is informing your behavior in current relationships, romantic and otherwise. Therapy can also help you sort out some of the questions you raised: Is this relationship-specific? Can you work with your partner on a solution? Is polyamory what would work for you, instead of monogamy?

Communication is key in a partnership, especially when it comes to physical intimacy. 

You didn’t mention if you have discussed this with your partner. Maybe she’s feeling unsatisfied, too. At the very least, you need to have a heart to heart about sex. You don’t have to lead with the fact that you’re frustrated. Instead, ask her what you can do to make sex more pleasurable for her.

Another aspect to consider — maybe the kid factor has put a wrench in things temporarily. Kids are draining, physically and emotionally. I know. I have them. We love them, but the energy they zap can make us feel decidedly unsexy. You might need to prioritize or schedule a time when you can reconnect before trying to be sexual. 

Try out some affection without sex as the end game. 

Sometimes, in a longterm relationship, the pressures around sex can make it feel like a chore rather than a pleasure. Take things back to the early days of dating. Allow yourself to get excited about getting excited about her again. And allow her to build that excitement too, and with you. Some ideas: a massage that doesn’t end in sex, taking a walk together and holding hands, making out without it leading to anything more. These sound basic, but they can help you find that spark again. Because even though your sex drive is high, something is amiss between the two of you. That’s not anyone’s fault, but keep an eye toward solutions rather than hoofing it out the door. 

If you find that the two of you are truly in different places with your sex drives or you’re questioning monogamy, please keep that line of communication open. And here’s where a therapist can be of great assistance to the two of you. 

You have a child together, and you love her; this is worth trying to fix. 

However you decide to proceed, please do so with transparency and honesty about what you want, what you need, and what you feel. And make that effort to find out what she wants and needs. You may be surprised at how far a little open communication can take you. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Petalite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly