Will I Lose My Fiance To Rehab?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Erin,

My fiancé has been in inpatient rehab for close to a week. 

Everything with us was normal, then last night I get told that it’s not a good idea for me to go and see my fiancé during visitation — when that’s what we planned and wanted to do. 

I know she needs this. I’m supportive, and she says she loves me and wants a healthy relationship with us, but I just feel like I’m going to lose her. I feel like she’s not going to want me anymore after all this. 

I do support her, and I know things change, but how can you say you love someone but then not want them? 

What can I do to support her? What can I do for us to have a healthy, better, successful life and future marriage?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Should I Lighten Up About My Partner’s Drug And Alcohol Use? 

A.

Okay, you might not like what I’m going to say. I understand why they (either the treatment facility or your fiancé or both) are asking you to step back right now.

Right now, more than anything, your fiancé needs the time and space to process her addiction and focus on recovery. 

You didn’t mention the circumstances around what landed her in inpatient rehab, but it indicates that she is dealing with a serious, and life-threatening problem. And I believe that you need to take it that seriously. Addiction is life-threatening. Dealing with it should be her priority, before anything else — including you. If she doesn’t make it a priority, your relationship will likely not survive anyhow. 

I also want to to make you aware of something I have learned over the years — both as a person who has needed rehab and the partner of a person who has needed rehab….

The relationships we have when drinking or using are not healthy, and both people in that relationship contribute to unhealthy behavior. This is not to put any blame on you for her addiction. This is to say that when we are involved with people who are in that state of dysfunction, we have to look at our own dysfunction. 

Every relationship I had while using depended on my partner’s codependency. 

So something you can do, right now, is to get some help for yourself.This could look like trying out an Al-Anon o rCoDA meeting or seeking the help of a therapist.Keep the focus on yourself, not on her or where she is in her recovery. Your fiancé told you she wants a healthy relationship. Take her at her word.Give her the room to recover.

You asked how she could say she loves you but then not want you. She didn’t say she didn’t want you. She said she needed space. 

What she has asked for is healthy and necessary. 

I can’t tell you that you won’t lose her. In some ways you will — you will lose the her that was loaded. But you stand to gain someone capable of a healthy relationship. And that someone is not just her, it’s you too. 

You have to let go of the relationship you had before to create a new healthier model today. I know it’s scary, and you want to hold on, but remember what you’d be holding on to. The future of your relationship depends on both of you putting your recovery first. Because yes, you will be recovering too, in your own way. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Kammererite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I Need Help With Postpartum Depression

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

suicidal thoughts

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi, Erin.

Do you have any piece of advice for a depressed mother?

I’ve been trying to overcome postpartum depression for eight months, but there is no healing at all. I love my tiny daughter and my three elder children. They all are healthy. So am I. But I feel like I'm dying.

Today I got fired from my work because it's become too difficult to cope with my everyday duties.

I want to live. So much. My faith is the only thing that keeps me from suicide.

Honestly, I can't stand it anymore.

Thanks a lot for what you are doing to people.

And for the answer, if there will be one for me.

You Might Also Like: No Mother Is An Island: Surviving Postpartum Depression

A.

I am so glad you’ve reached out for help. I want you to know that postpartum depression isvery common. One in seven moms (and one in ten dads) suffer from postpartum depression. 

I want you to know that you don’t have to go through this alone. 

There are many resources out there to help you. First, if you can, you should let your OB or midwife know. Second, Postpartum Support International can give you access to help here in the United States and internationally. Their website is a portal to a lot of helpful information, online support groups, and practical medical information for both you and your loved ones.

Please talk to your partner, your family, your friends about this. I know that when I struggled with depression in the past, I would often act as if everything was okay, say everything was okay, but inside I was crumbling. You mentioned that you'd been fired from work. If your workplace had noticed that you were not functioning, perhaps your loved ones have, too.Maybe they don’t know how to approach you about it. 

Postpartum depression, like other forms of clinical depression, feed on loneliness and isolation. You don’t have to feel this way. This is not your fault. I want you to remember those facts. 

Our brains can trick us into sitting in the shame of needing help. 

Our brains might tell us: “But you have so much to be grateful for; you shouldn’t be depressed.” 

That’s all bullshit. Depression, whether of the chronic or postpartum variety is not a choice.You can’t choose your way out of a mental health crisis.

It’s terrific that you have a faith that you hold dear. But faith alone cannot fix this. 

This type of depression cannot be exercised away, meditated away, or prayed away. I cannot stress enough how urgent it is for you to seek help from a medical professional — whether that’s your OB or midwife or mental health specialist. 

Please do not stay silent. Reaching out to me was a tremendous start. Don’t stop there. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Rainbow Fluorite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I'm In Love With My Best Friend (Who Is Also My Ex)

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi!

I really need some advice and possible answers!

My best friend is my ex.

We were together for only about six months, and we were living together for about half the time we were together. He’s different from any other guy I've ever been with, and I fell for him almost instantly.

We broke up about six-seven months ago. We didn’t talk for about a couple months afterward and then one day he started talking to me and asked me if I wanted to hang out, alone. We ended up going to a street dance together and got a few drinks afterward. 

We've hung out ever since, nonstop, and always text each other and go to movies and out to eat; it’s almost as if we are dating. We've also slept together countless times.

He knows I have strong feelings for him, but I don’t know if he still feels the same for me. 

A lot of the time I feel like he does and then other times it just feels like we’re really good friends. I notice he looks at me certain ways and says certain things that I know he wouldn’t just say to anyone.

I've been trying to move on constantly, but nothing ever works; I can almost promise you he’s my soulmate. 

One day I started dating someone else, and it quickly ended. I ended up going over to my best friend’s place to talk to him about it, and he was very supportive; he’s always been there for me. 

Also, he hasn't had a girlfriend since we broke up. He always tells me about girls that he goes on dates with and how they are all "stupid" and wear too much makeup and are always "too much.” And I think to myself, well you're kinda describing the opposite of me!And also thinking well you have what you say you want right in front of you! 

After I had talked to him about my breakup we ended up watching a movie, and in the middle of it he had put his arms around me and pulled me up onto his lap, and we continued to cuddle through another movie, and I ended up spending the night, and we also slept together.

All the signs point to him still having strong feelings for me, but I'm just not sure. 

And I don’t know how to go about talking to him about this or if there really is a possibility of more than just a friendship between us.

HELP!

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: I'm In Love With My Best Friend, But He Has A Girlfriend; What Do I Do? 

A.

I don’t think you’re going to like my answer. Might he still have feelings for you? Yes. 

Do I think he wants to get back together with you? No. 

Here’s why: he has all of the benefits of a relationship with your right now without any of the strings. He is free to date and sleep with whomever he wants, but can still hang out with you — someone he’s close to — and have casual sex when he wants. It sounds like a pretty comfortable situation for him. 

What concerns me is where you are in all of this. It’s pretty hard to move on from someone if you are still hanging out with them all the time and sleeping together. You need to be honest with yourself and him about what you want. 

You don’t want to be his best friend; you want to be his girlfriend.

Is it a risk to tell him clearly how you feel? Sure. But it’s a bigger risk to stay in this murky territory with him, pretending that you just want this casual friends-with-benefits thing. 

Tell him how you feel and what you want. Ask him to be clear with you about what he wants.Then you will have the information you need to decide between keeping him in your life. 

And please don’t do that thing where you hang on to the hope that he will change his mind. 

You are worth someone being sure of committing to you now. 

I know you mentioned that you feel like he might be your soulmate. He might be. But guess what? We have many soulmates in life. I am sure of this. And some of them are only in our lives a short while. It’s okay to let him go. I believe you will find love again, and with someone who is ready to commit. 

So have that conversation and get the clarity you need to move forward, one way or another. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional.But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes.If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent,what I’m watching,what I’m reading,Pollucite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you myAsk Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter.xoxo

Ask Erin: I'm A 20-Year-Old Virgin

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hey Erin.

I’m entering my 20s with no experience. 

So, I’m twenty years old. I think you would agree that twenty is pretty young. But the moment you tell someone you're still a virgin, it's as if you told them you're living with a terminal illness.

For as long as I can remember, I've been a romantic. Although I believe that 'virginity' is a patriarchal construct, I still have always wanted my first time to be with someone I'm close to. We don't even have to be in love. We just have to have a really great connection and like each other a lot. 

However, it's always felt to me like I have no luck in the romantic department. 

I haven't ever had a serious boyfriend, no one I've ever fallen for has reciprocated my feelings, and, of course, I've never had sex. 

Many people have told me that my standards were too high and that I had unrealistic expectations. But I don't want to compromise on this and end up doing something so intimate and being so vulnerable with some random person, someone that I might not even like. I know that there's no "perfect" guy out there, and the person I end up with is probably not going to be what I thought I wanted, but does that really mean I should lower my standards and just give in?

To be honest, I'm incredibly lonely. 

There are nights where I just lie in bed staring at the ceiling, crying, wondering why everyone else gets so lucky, and I haven't even found one person. Some of my friends have been in relationships since they were 16 years old. I feel like I'm waiting for this magical thing and the more I want it, the more it evades me. 

I've always been a hopeless romantic. I had my first real crush at nine years old, and even then it was way more intense than any of my peers. I've always been in love with love. And it seems a cruel joke that I've still not experienced it.

From the outside, I know I sound ridiculous. I'm only twenty; I have plenty of time. But when you've been fantasizing about being in love since you were nine years old, it feels like you've been waiting a lifetime. 

I know it'll happen one day. But this loneliness crawls under my skin and buries itself there, so deeply sometimes that I feel like I can't breathe. I just want someone to love me, and I feel so pathetic saying that. But I'm tired of not experiencing it.

I want to be loved.

I know this wasn't technically a question, but any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Am I Broken?

A.

Wanting to be loved is a very human desire. 

We all want to be loved, even if we don’t readily admit it. 

When it comes to having sex for the first time, you should only be concerned with what feels right for you. If you want sex to be a real connection and not something you do just to get your first time over with, there is nothing wrong with that. There are people out there who feel the same way, and it has nothing to do with religion. Take for example this season’s bachelor on The Bachelor. He’s a 26-year-old virgin. He’s not saving himself for marriage but for the right person and time. I have known many people, of all genders, who have waited for a variety of reasons. 

We live in a society that tends to move fast. I lost my virginity on the young side, and while I don’t dwell on it, I sure could have stood to wait a few years when I was more emotionally mature. 

I also think there are two things to unpack here — sex and love. Sex and love are not dependent on one another. They can coexist, but they happen all the time without the other. 

You don’t sound ridiculous; you sound lonely. But I’m going to tell you something I learned after years of jumping from relationship to relationship… the only person who can cure you of your loneliness is you. I know that may not be what you want to hear. It was a hard-learned lesson for me. 

Sometimes you get the thing you think you want — the relationship — and you’re still lonely. 

This is not to discount the joy of sharing a connection with someone, to be intimate with them — physically, emotionally, spiritually. But when we learn how to have that connection outside of romantic relationships, we learn how to be happy in a way that is not dependent on another person.

Having that foundation with ourselves helps to strengthen the bonds we have with other people.

From reading your letter, I don’t believe the answer for you is just to have sex with someone, anyone. But instead, focus on what you want in a partner and work on those same qualities with yourself. 

Rather than worrying about someone wanting to be with you, put your energy towards the life you have ahead of you. I know this can feel daunting when you feel lonely, but engaging yourself with friends, with goals, with activities, can really help to fill that space. 

Lastly, as I often do, I recommend speaking with a therapist. Talk therapy is such an effective way to get all of these destructive spiraling thoughts out of our heads. That’s how we change thought patterns, by speaking about them and giving them less power. 

Dear heart, I promise you will not be lonely forever.

There were so many feelings that I felt sure were permanent when I was in my 20s, and two decades later I can tell you I was wrong.

None of those feelings last forever. It will get easier. You will find your people. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Rainforest Jasper, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

The Guy I'm Dating Is Obsessed With Someone Else

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

This is a bit more complicated than it sounds. 

As stupid as it is, I started dating a guy I liked at work. 

I know — bad move. He only works for a couple of hours a week (less than half a day) as he has another job and this is just extra money, and he's leaving soon so I thought it would be fine. 

The problem is that he's been to known to be obsessed/in love with another girl that works there (again, she has another job so only a few hours a week). But she has repeatedly told everyone she is not interested in him like that. As far as I'm aware she's never directly said it to him though.

Being new, I had no idea the level of his interest in her until it was too late and I was already involved. We still see each other outside of work.

His obsession with her is really starting to hurt me, and I don't know whether to say something to him or not. 

He messages her every day, buys her often expensive things all the time, always brings her up in conversation when we're alone together, spends all his time on our nights out next to her, his phone passcode is her birthday, and he swaps his shifts to be on with her. 

Am I wrong in thinking this is weird? Am I the only one who thinks the other girl is stringing him along by not being blunt with him?

I know I should call it quits, but do I say something to him about it how he made me feel, or am I just being jealous?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Am I Overreacting?

A.

Listen to your gut. 

His obsession over another girl is a major, huge, flashing, red flag.

Don’t beat yourself up over dating a co-worker. We have all been there. When you spend time with people all week, even if it’s part-time, it’s natural that some people may find themselves attracted to one another. 

You know what the problem is. This is not just an oh, he has unresolved feelings scenario; his behavior is — as you pointed out — obsessive. 

One word answer for you — RUN. 

Seriously, this is not a healthy person.It is not your job to fix him or to cure him ofthis obsession. It is also not your job to sort out her communication with him.If she hasn’t been direct with him, that’s their problem.Get out of this mucky mess.

As far as what to say to him, be honest and kind. Tell him that you have no interest in dating someone who spends their time talking, thinking, and focusing on someone else. Depending on how receptive he is to hear what you have to say, you can kindly point out that he is fixated on her in an unhealthy way. 

That said, you have no obligation to say anything other than, “this is not working for me.” 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Albite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I Need Help Overcoming The Loss Of A Baby

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

CN: Infant and Pregnancy Loss

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

Can you recommend any specific books or online resources you used that helped you deal with your losses? 

I've had several very early miscarriages that didn't much affect me, but I gave birth to my second daughter at 22 weeks, and she was too little to make it in this world alone. 

This happened over two years ago, and sometimes I feel like it was a lifetime ago. Sometimes I smile at the thought of her, her memory being a blessing. And still, there are times when it feels like it happened yesterday.

I know there's no magical cure, but I'd like something that could...I don't know...steer my thoughts in a different direction when they go down one that isn’t the happiest. I'm not sure how to word that last part…

Also — is there anything else you’re willing to share about your experience having and losing your son prematurely? 

I totally understand if you don't, as I'm a stranger and you didn't go into it too deeply (on the post I read, at least)...however, I don't know anyone personally or know OF anybody who's been through this except for, well, you.

Hope to hear back…

You Might Also Like: Pregnancy And Infant Loss Remembrance Day 

A.

First, I am so very sorry for your losses. I know the pain of both miscarriage and losing a baby who was born too soon.

This coming August 2nd, it will be three years since I lost that baby boy. Most of the time, it does feel like a long time ago. But at other times, the grief is fresh. Because I loved that baby boy. Because grief is unpredictable. Because our hearts have memories deep inside that muscle. 

While writing this, I had to take a moment to cry. I had to sit in those feelings. I still have moments when my throat cannot contain the sorrow, when my heart hurts, when I have to allow myself to let it out. 

And that’s okay.

Grieving is a process, and I am unsure if we ever complete that process. 

But I do think we can get to a place of acceptance with our grief and that brings some peace and relief.

My biggest life lessons have been in acceptance.Acceptance of what I can’t control.Grief certainly falls into that category.

You asked if I could share anything else about the experience. (I wrote about it, and the ongoing healing, here and here.)

What I can tell you is that it was probably the hardest thing I have gone through… and I have been through some stuff. I can tell you that when I think of the visuals of that day, I still feel shocked. I can tell you that my biggest regret is that I didn’t take any photos. When I held him, alone in a room, before going to surgery to remove the rest of the placenta, I wish I had asked the nurse to take a photo for me. I can tell you that, however illogical it may sound, I miss him. 

The most significant difference between the initial grief and the grief that I continue to process is my acceptance of it, my willingness to feel it and let it be. 

About a week after losing the baby, at the suggestion of my father-in-law, I went to see a Reiki healer. I found her by googling “Reiki healer NYC.” I had very little knowledge about what Reiki was nor did I pin any high hopes on it working. But for me, it was integral to my healing. It paved the way for my soul to heal. 

Getting that type of spiritual help led me to invest more in my spiritual life. I read books, I learned different forms of meditation, used sensory tools like crystals and essential oils. I opened myself up to any and all sorts of spirituality and healing because I was desperate to make it through the grief. And by doing that, I found practices that soothed my heart and mind. I found comfort in small rituals. 

Specifically, a couple of books that helped me were Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apartand Michael Newton’s Journey of Souls. I am not sure if they will resonate with you, but I found a lot of solace in those pages. 

There is a wonderful website called Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support. They have a ton of resources available, including online support chats that they moderate. 

Speaking about it and writing about it also helped me a lot. Wading through the aftermath of infant and pregnancy loss is so isolating. When we share our stories, we find that so many other people have had similar experiences. 

You don’t have to be alone in that grief. 

Keep talking about it. Check out the online support on Share. Find some spiritual practices that bring you comfort. And, as always, talk therapy can be immensely helpful. If you don’t have a therapist and need some guidance in that area, email me, and I can point you in the right direction. 

Lastly, I want to reiterate that there is no timeline with grief. It ebbs and flows in our bodies.The one thing I am sure of is that it becomes easier and easier to deal with when we don’t run from it, when we just let it be, when we permit ourselves to feel it. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Agrellite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Ask Erin: My Girlfriend Wants A Threesome And I Don’t

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Erin,

My girlfriend that I have been with for almost two years is talking about having a threesome with another girl. 

I honestly don’t want to do it. I respect her desire to want it but I don’t, and I have made it clear that I don’t want a threesome with another girl or guy. I just want her and me. She wants to spice up our sex life by having a threesome with another girl. 

She has come to accept that. She understands that I don’t want that type of sexual activity, but I feel like she might try to do something with another girl behind my back or maybe just have a threesome with two other people. 

Should I continue this relationship or just come to an end? 

I love her very much, but I’m not willing to go that far. It’s too much stress for me; I’m too much of a jealous person, so I don’t know what to do. 

What do you think? 

Thank you.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Does My Boyfriend Want A Polyamorous Relationship? 

A.

I get this question a lot, or some variation of this question. 

Threesomes, open relationships, swinging, polyamory — all of these variations that exist outside of the standard monogamous relationship — are valid explorations for a couple, IF both parties want to explore. 

That is is the crucial part. 

There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting a threesome, nor is there anything wrong with her for wanting to try one. 

Maybe you’re just not right for each other in the long-term. I know that can be a hard thing to confront, but it’s not the end of the world. You have both expressed what you want, and those wants don’t match up. 

What you need to do is have an open conversation to discern if her desire to spice things up is mutable — meaning, would either of you be open to trying out other things — role play, some kink, etc. Putting variety in your sex life is not a bad thing, and it doesn’t have to involve a third party. 

Ask her to be honest with you about what it is she really wants. If it’s about exploring threesomes and/or having sex with a woman, that is a different scenario.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with her wanting those things, just as there is nothing wrong with you not wanting them.

You may find that you would be happier in a relationship with someone who wants the same things as she may too. What I don’t want you to do is end things without clarifying what is she wants — spice or another person in the bedroom. 

The key here is open, honest, and clear communication, and that starts with being honest with yourself. 

I have a feeling that you and your partner will be able to sort this out and come to a mutual decision about what’s going to be best for each of you.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, Merlinite, parenting, sex, consent,what I’m watching, what else I’m watching, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Am I Broken?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hey Erin,

I'm at a weird place in my life, and I'm not sure what I should be doing, if anything, about my problem. 

A few years back, after a year of misdiagnoses, I was correctly diagnosed and began treatment for a thyroid disorder. 

I was also in a fairly unhealthy relationship that involved codependence with a guy with severe mental health issues and neuroses. Not really his fault, but there were clearly unhealthy patterns, and the sex was infrequent and lousy, and I eventually was so unhappy I couldn't take it anymore. 

The thyroid problem caused my body to change significantly (weight gain, thinning hair) and totally screwed with my self-image. I was also trying to get my child, who I raised alone, off to college and the transition was very rocky for both of us. 

The guy and I broke up. The kid got off to college and adjusted. My weight stabilized. I started taking online classes to get the college degree I've thought about for decades. 

It's been two and a half years, and I've been pretty much... celibate. 

Haven't even tried to date. I know I'm not asexual, but the physical changes from the thyroid issue, a lifetime of anti-depressants, and the fact that I'm very close to 40 have all conspired to erode my sex drive significantly.

I still like sex, I just... don't feel like I could attract a guy that I would want to get sexy with and don't think about it as much. I see a therapist, but they haven't been hugely helpful in aiding my self-confidence. 

I feel like there's no one out there for me, I'm past my sell-by date as a woman and maybe as a sexual being, and I don't have time to date between working full time and taking online classes, anyway. But most of my friends are married, and I fantasize about how nice it would be to have a serious relationship.

I have an active social life, but I'm lonely for that specific relationship-style companionship. 

Should I go back to Ol' Reliable, AKA internet dating? 

Should I just keep my head down and get through school, which could take the next six years? 

Should I just give up and start wearing shapeless beige garments to symbolize my sexual death?

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A.

First of all, LOL at your last question. The answer to which is NO, you don’t need to start wearing shapeless beige garments to symbolize your sexual death! 

I get it. You had a rough couple of years, and the celibacy is a reset. After my first husband and I split up, I was celibate by choice for a while. I needed to focus on my kid and getting my life in order. And that’s what I did. 

What you’ve been doing is recovering. 

You’ve been recovering from illness, from a breakup and the fallout of a codependent relationship, and transitioning from having the kid at home to the kid going to college. Not to mention that you’ve gone back to school. It’s a lot. 

Just because you needed some time to recalibrate doesn’t mean you won’t get your mojo back. 

Let’s address the age thing. In the few years since I turned 40, I have remarried, had a second kid, finally finished my degrees, and sold my first book. 

Your impending 40th birthday is not a signal of the end of sex, love, and dating. 

I promise. 

You are a healthier, stronger, smarter woman than you were just a few years ago. Embrace that. Those qualities are sexy. 

Do I think you should try online dating again? Sure. But let it be fun for a bit. Let yourself be in the present and see what happens. Maybe you’ll have sex. Maybe you’ll make a lifelong friend. Maybe you’ll meet a future partner. 

You have the friends and social life on lock. I know it can feel lonely not to have that primary romantic relationship, but you are not alone. 

And I always liked to remind myself of this…

It is far better to be alone than in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship. 

I am fairly sure you are happier today than you were three years ago. Celebrate that. You are fabulous! 

And you don’t have to wear shapeless beige clothing (unless you like beige). 

Try online dating, let your friends know you’re open to being set up and continue to enjoy the life you’ve built for yourself. 

You are not broken. 

I believe you are going to be just fine. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional.But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m reading, what I’m watching, Vesuvianite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Am I Overreacting?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Okay am I crazy or just whining? 

My husband's coworker is being weird, and I don't know what to do about it. 

I have social anxiety, and it messes with me sometimes in not knowing exactly what's normal social media/social phone behavior. 

Last month, my husband's new coworker sent him a picture of a positive pregnancy test and a sonogram. He was uncomfortable but congratulated her politely in the event that she either sent the text to the wrong person or was just really excited and sending it out to everyone in her contacts. 

Before we go down the rabbit hole, my husband isn't cheating on me. I'm 100% positive  — his phone is never locked, he doesn't have social media accounts, and is an anti-technology hiker hippie type. We have a side business that we run together, so it's not like he's gone for long periods of time with this coworker. He also works from home at least 1/2 the week.He's not close with her and doesn't hang out with his other coworkers. 

She does, however, keep sending him weekly updates from a pregnancy tracker. He texted her, clarifying that she might have the wrong number and asking her why she's sending him these texts, and she just sent him a heart emoji back. An acquaintance of ours knows her quite well and said she's "got terrible boundaries; watch out for that one."

When I was pregnant with our son, I didn't send people pictures of stuff I peed on, least of all a coworker I hardly know. 

I think he should quietly take it to their boss, who is a woman, but he's just paralyzed and uncomfortable. 

I'm getting really annoyed, but I don't know if I'm overreacting, just being a jealous child. Am I wrong to think that this is kind of fucked up?

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A.

Okay, it is odd that she is sending weekly pregnancy updates. 

Most likely, she is just one of those over-sharers. 

As you pointed out, it sounds highly unlikely that your husband is cheating on you with this woman, especially since he is sharing these texts with you.

If I were in his shoes, I would ignore the texts.I wouldn’t take this to my boss.She’s not sending him nude photos, she’s sending pregnancy updates, that she is likely sending to a whole group of people.

If it’s bothering him, he should set a boundary with her more directly. 

Rather than asking her why she’s sending them or if she has the wrong number, he should say directly something along the lines of: “I’m happy your pregnancy is moving along nicely, but I ask that you not send me weekly updates. It feels a little too personal coming from a co-worker.” 

We are often remiss in setting boundaries because we are worried about hurting the other person’s feelings. But we are doing them a disservice. Further, we are doing ourselves a disservice. 

If you set a boundary with language that is clear but kind, the way the other person reacts is not your business. 

You are not responsible for, nor can you control other people’s behavior. 

Now, I get that you’re bothered. However, I don’t think I would qualify her behavior as fucked up. In your shoes, I would urge your husband to set the boundary mentioned above and then let it go. If it continues and escalates with more personal texts, you can always text her back from your husband’s phone and set that boundary. BUT, it’s really his responsibility. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m reading, what I’m eating, Chalcopyrite , or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Am I Obligated To Go To My Office Party?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

I am really dreading going to my work holiday party.

I actually like a lot of my coworkers and hang out with them on my own time, but the holiday party is set up as an expectation by my bosses, and they put so little effort into and then tell us it is required. I end up really grumpy about it and having a terrible time. 

This party is held a few weeks after the holidays are over on a weekend night. It is a potluck and BYOB, and they always ask an employee to host it at their house rather than taking us out or opening up their own houses. There is also a Yankee Swap that we have to participate in. 

Last year the party was held on the MLK weekend, meaning they expected everyone to stay home over the break in order to attend. 

It feels like they make no effort and basically expect us as the employees to provide everything from food to drinks to presents to the actual house to make the party happen, and then try to tell us we are required to go. 

Am I being a Scrooge in not wanting to participate?

Am I overreacting? 

Thanks!

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Should I Tell My Colleague I'm In Love With Him? 

 

A.

Your bosses’ idea of a holiday party for employees is TERRIBLE. 

You are not overreacting. The whole point of a holiday or end of the year party is to treat employees for the hard work they do all year long. 

It’s ridiculous that your employers expect employees to throw and pay for the party essentially. And to ask employees to attend over a holiday weekend?? SMDH.

Now, handling this is going to take a little tact, but I do think you need to speak up. 

I would schedule a meeting with whichever superior you feel the most comfortable with.Write down what you want to say ahead of time. Speak with your co-workers so that you can offer their feedback as well. What would be even better is if you schedule the meeting with another coworker present. And come prepared to provide some alternative suggestions. 

We so often let politeness supersede speaking our minds.And they don’t have to be mutually exclusive.You can get your point across while still acknowledging what they do and the respect you have for them.

The gist of what you need to communicate is that while you appreciate that they want to celebrate with the whole team, it’s unusual to ask their employees to host and provide the food, drink, etc. 

Perhaps you can suggest that if this is going to be an everyone-chips-in situation, then the team can vote on what they want to do. Maybe you go out for drinks, or bowling, or a have lunch potluck at work. 

They can’t fire you for expressing an opinion or making a suggestion. Do so with kindness and care, get some backup from your coworkers, and know that you are not a Scrooge — their version of a holiday party SUCKS. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m reading, what I’m eating, Sodalite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

My Friend Always Has To Get Her Way

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Erin,

My problem is that I have a friend that always gets her way. 

If she wants pizza, we all go to eat pizza. If she wants to invite us to her house, we go to her house. 

She always makes the plans, and they work. But when I want to set a plan, they never work. 

She always has an excuse. All our interests that she doesn't share are boring or stupid for her. Like, we all have to agree to watch an orchestra concert, but she never agrees on going outside dancing. She wants us in her house, but she'll never go to visit me at my house. 

She wants things done HER way, and if somebody else comes with another idea, she screws it up.

How can I stop her from doing this?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Support A Friend I Can't Trust? 

A.

We all have one of these friends. Heck, at some point, some of us have been that friend.

Like most problems with personal relationships in life, this is all about boundaries. 

First, let’s address your actual question: “How can I stop her from doing this?”

We can’t control other people. There is nothing you can do to stop her from behaving how she has been behaving. BUT, you can change your behavior. 

When one person changes their behavior in a dysfunctional situation, it forces the other person to do the same.

For starters, be direct with her. Say this: “I’ve noticed that you always take the reins by making plans. I have planned this (fill in the blank).” 

If she protests or says it’s “boring” or stupid,” say: “Don’t feel obligated to join us, but we hope you do.” 

By taking charge in this way, you are setting a boundary. If she tries to engage further, just end the conversation. 

From your email, it’s indicated that she is like this with your entire friend group, I think it’s best to get this all out in the open with them as well — not as a means to gang up on her, but if you all change this dynamic, she will be forced to change…

or walk away which doesn’t sound like the worst thing if she acts like a tyrant all the time.

Life is too short to put up with adults who tantrum when they don’t get their way.

If this opens up a conversation, share your feelings with her. I have found that being direct (while remaining kind about it) is the most clear-cut path to remedying tension or awkwardness. 

As we enter a new year, I hope you implement these changes. You will ALL be a lot happier, even your bossy friend. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m listening to, what I’m watching, Black Tourmaline, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I Feel Like I'm A Burden On My Family

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

I feel like I am a burden on my family.

I was born with an incurable and degenerative congenital disability that has caused me to be in constant pain all my life and which is gradually reducing my mobility and ability to care for myself. I also developed Fibromyalgia six years ago which has made my situation even more difficult.

My family plays a large part in my care as I cannot afford a carer. I feel like an absolute burden to them, and whilst I know they don't resent having to help me, it does limit their freedom.

I will turn 32 soon, and that is making certain thoughts more difficult to deal with. My disability will not shorten my life but will eventually cause me to be wheelchair bound, and unable to even do the simplest of things.

Looking at the future makes me worry about the increasing part that my family will have to play in my care and I hate that I'm causing them difficulty, but there isn't another way.

I don’t know how to deal with this. 

Things are hard enough living in constant pain, and I barely have the energy to function at a reasonable level, and it makes trying to come up with coping very difficult.

I need to learn how to deal with this as it is tearing me apart.

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A.

I am so sorry that you’ve had to deal with chronic illness your entire life. I have watched many of my friends and loved ones navigate the myriad of invisible problems that arise when every day is a battle against pain in the body. My heart goes out to you. 

Here’s the thing — your illnesses are not your fault. 

Your family has made it clear to you that they don’t resent you, as you said in your email. You need to remember that. Your family loves you. I know you don’t want to make their lives inconvenienced, but I am 100% sure that they are grateful for your presence. 

As a parent, even when it’s hard, even when I am tired and overworked, I wouldn’t trade it in for anything in the world.

While your needs may be more significant because of the illnesses, I am sure that their love supersedes the extra care involved.

Don’t create guilt for yourself over things you have no control over. 

It can be so hard to forgive ourselves when our bodies don’t cooperate. While not entirely the same, before I had my second child, I had four miscarriages and then lost a baby when I went into labor too early. I’d never before felt like I had less control yet all the responsibility for the pain my entire family went through. 

In addition to treating my depression, which I already had been, I began digging deep with spiritual work that provided me with the tools of acceptance. 

The bottom line of what you are struggling with is acceptance. 

Learning acceptance, learning to accept that there are things I cannot control — be that with my body or my depression or the world or the way others behave or react. Once I actively began to sit in acceptance of how things were rather than how I pined for them to be, I experienced relief. 

I encourage you to speak with your family about your concerns. Don’t sit alone in them. Do some reading or audiobook listening or guided meditation and get in touch with acceptance. 

I am sure that as someone dealing with chronic and degenerative illness, acceptance has been a lifelong lesson. Even for those without those mitigating conditions, it is challenging, but I promise you that working on it will give you some relief. 

So, homework… speak with your family, if you can talk with a therapist or doctor about any underlying depression or anxiety, please do, and give yourself the gift of searching for acceptance through spiritual practice. I truly believe it will provide you with some respite from these feelings. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m listening to, the winter solstice, Moonstone, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I Don't Want My Mom Smoking Around My Son

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

My mother is an unapologetic heavy smoker and has been literally my entire life because she brags about smoking while pregnant with my brother and I and that we're "fine." 

We're not fine. We've both had extreme upper respiratory issues our entire lives; allergies, asthma, pneumonia, COPD, bronchitis, sinus problems, you name it, we have had it or still do. Both of us were hospitalized with URIs or pneumonia as children multiple times. 

My 26-year-old brother who is otherwise active and healthy has COPD and now needs a CPAP machine to sleep. I've had some terrifying chest x-rays thankfully come back clear but still, being 29 and told I might have lung cancer after never smoking at all in my life pisses me off. After years of begging her to quit, helping her try to quit, I know not to have the supportive quit conversation with her anymore as she'll just blow up about it.

When my son was born I made it clear that she couldn't smoke around me at all anymore, period. 

Not in my house, my car, or on my property and that she couldn't smoke around my son.She took it as a personal attack and didn't see my son until he was almost ten months old.  

My sister-in-law is pregnant with their first kid, and she's a huge people pleaser. My brother put down the same rules: no smoking at all around them or the baby anymore; his wife says it's fine for her to smoke, that she doesn't mind it. It's their marriage and their issue to figure out.

I'm not looking to start a huge family rift — I know that I have a lot of anger towards my mother, who for all accounts, was a great parent except for the frequently exposing her kids to carcinogens part. I am willing to spend time with her — if she's not smoking around my son or me. With the holidays coming up it's uncomfortable to see how much my mom has made herself unwelcome by smoking; a lot of relatives and friends have put their foot down with her and smoking in their homes.  

I don't want her to be alone for the holidays, but I also can't put my son's health at risk, or my own anymore. 

I want to spend time with my brother and his family, but not if my mom is there and killing three packs in five hours.

Help?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: My Mom Punched Holes In My Condoms

A.

I am so very sorry that your mom willfully put your health and your brother’s health at risk for so long. While I know that previous generations may not have known better, the information has been out there long enough that your mother chose cigarettes over the health of her child. 

An adult has every right to smoke. Fine. But putting other people at risk, ESPECIALLY KIDS, is wrong. 

Your son’s health, and yours for that matter, is far more important than your mother’s comfort. 

It is simple; she can spend time with you and your kid without cigarettes. If she needs a smoke break, she can go outside. That is a necessary and reasonable boundary. 

If she can’t respect that, she can’t be around your child.

As for the rest of your family, you have no control over the boundaries they set or their house rules. Ask your brother if he is going to allow your mom to smoke inside over the holidays. If the answer is yes, then you can make plans with him when she’s not there.

I know it’s hard to set these boundaries with parents, but you have to do what is right for you and your kid. 

As hard as it can feel to stick to the boundaries you’ve set, it’s far better than being put in a situation where your mother endangers your family. Sadly, you likely will not change your mom, but you can protect your health and the health of your child. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m listening to,what I’m watching, Herkimer Diamonds, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

My Mom Punched Holes In My Condoms

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

I have a difficult relationship with my mother. A lot of people say "oh, haha, my parents are weird"  — but there's quirky and then there's mentally ill. I'm starting to think my mom has passed over from one to the other.

My wife is having some medical problems that we've chosen not to discuss in full with our families just yet, but it does involve my wife being on a medication that she 100% can't get pregnant on. 

We had to travel for one of her medical appointments and stayed in my mom's guest room to save money since our medical debt is piling up really fast. We would have stayed at a hotel but we've maxed out credit cards and were close to some major overdraft fees, that's how desperate we were for a free room for one night. Otherwise, we wouldn't have stopped. 

When we got back from my wife's appointment, I went to pack our things and caught my mom ruffling through my toiletries bag. My mom smiled and said she was going to surprise us and do our laundry and scuttled out of the room, which I thought was weird because she wasn't near our clothes. 

When we got home my wife was unpacking our bags and noticed the condoms we keep in the toiletries bag looked weird. 

We took a closer look, and they've all got holes in them. This was done with some serious finesse because I almost wouldn't have noticed. Thankfully my wife has an IUD, but this was really upsetting.

This kind of behavior and things like it have created a pattern, and I'm ready to end therelationship with my mother. My wife agrees, but we're both really close with my siblings and step-father. I discussed this with my sister, and she was horrified; my step-father said my mother'd been "off" lately but this isn't forgetting your keys, this is deliberate and malicious. 

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: My Sister Is Abusive & I'm Terrified Of Her

A.

Okay, you didn’t ask me a question per se, but I believe you wrote in because you are having a normal reaction to what your mom did — that reaction being WTF, MOM.

What your mom did was so wrong on oh so many levels. 

She violated your privacy, your wife’s health, and your ability to make choices. Why did she do it? Maybe she thinks what she did was right in her quest to push you towards giving her a grandchild (which is so messed up). Maybe she has mental health issues going on or some sort of dementia setting in. If it is a psychological or medical issue, the family should help get to the bottom of this. 

While it is important to understand why she did it, that doesn’t mean you can’t set a boundary with her. In fact, you should set a boundary with her. 

I have this discussion a lot with people in the column and IRL. Setting boundaries with family members, especially parents can be challenging. But you owe yourself and your wife healthy boundaries, even with your mother. 

When people have crossed a boundary sneakily, as your mom did, the best remedy is to be direct about it. 

Get it out in the open. Let your mom know that you are aware of what she did, tell her how you feel about it, and establish a boundary for your relationship. You and your wife can decide to what degree you want to let your mom into your life. 

And whatever boundary you set with her is for her alone. Be clear and direct with your siblings and step-father as well about the boundaries you set. Don’t let things be murky or vague. 

My hunch is that something is going on with your mom, mentally or physically, if others are noticing she if “off.” As a family, this needs to be addressed. 

If I were in your shoes, I would have a conversation with my mother, preferably in person, and ask her to see a doctor about what you are all noticing. 

Come from a place of love rather than an accusation; you can do this with kindness and still set that boundary.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m listening to, what I’m watching, Dioptase, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

How Do You Deal With A Breakup When You Both Have Mental Illness?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

suicidal thoughts

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

I’ve just come out of an eight-month relationship with a man I adored, who said he was too depressed and "broken" to return my love. 

I'm kicking myself because I saw it coming for months but didn't want to abandon him, although part of me wanted to explore lighter, healthier relationship options. I'm also worried about him cutting me off in crisis mode — he’s a suicide survivor who is in the process of moving to a homeless shelter.

I was also mentally unwell, but I did everything to make us work and support him. The breakup's triggered my latent suicidal thoughts too. After housing problems, a car accident, and friend breakups in recent years, life seems too cruel to even try to cope with. 

How can I know either, let alone both of us, will be okay?

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A.

Breakups can be a challenging time for anyone. For someone with mental health issues, it can be even more so. This is why it’s imperative to recognize this and take any necessary steps to ensure you have the proper support, both personally and professionally. 

Let’s start with you. First, if you are having suicidal thoughts, PLEASE reach out for immediate help — be that to your doctor or therapist, a trusted loved one, or a crisis help center such as Lifeline. 

I know this is easier said than done when you are in the thick of those suffocating feelings. 

One thing I recommend (and I know from experience as I’ve struggled with depression and suicidal ideation my whole life) is making a checklist for yourself when you’re feeling stable. 

Make a checklist of actions to take, people to reach out to, and general self-care reminders (drink water, eat, get outside). These seemingly simple actions can elude us when we are in the midst of deep depression. The tasks may still seem impossible, but having those reminders that you’ve laid out for yourself ahead of time can be lifesaving. 

Likewise, I think it’s important to have a few people who know your situation and can be trusted to reach out to you when you’re slipping.

Sometimes, it can be inconceivable to reach out when we need help. Having a few people who know to check in on us is invaluable.

I cannot stress enough that your responsibility right now is taking care of your own mental health. 

I completely understand why you are worried about your ex. He needs help. But you can’t be the one to save him. One thing you can do is reach out (email is often easiest) to one of his friends or family members to let them know what you know about his mental state. And then you have to let it be. As much as you may want to save him, you’re not the one right now that can do that. 

My sincerest hope is that your ex gets the help he needs. I know that feeling of being too broken to give or receive love. It is an utterly painful place to be. 

Likewise, I hope that you do what you can to take care of your mental health. This is the time to lean on the who can be of support, to make the time for self-care, to prioritize your wellbeing. 

**If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please, please, please reach out.There are people who care about you. The Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available online and by phone 24 hours a day, seven days a week. 1-800-273-8255. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m listening to, what I’m reading, Atacamite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

My Sister Is Abusive & I'm Terrified Of Her

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

My sister is 33. I'm 30, and I'm still terrified of her.

My sister is an emotionally unsafe person for me to be around. When we were children, she would bite and scratch herself and run to my mother and say I did it. I can still hear her laughing about it while my parents screamed at me. It wasn't until she got braces that my mother noticed the bite pattern and believed me. When that no longer worked for her, she'd throw out my homework, corrupt files and delete papers I wrote for school on the family shared computer. 

I could literally just describe years of manipulative, vindictive, emotionally unstable behavior on her part that was always my fault. She threatened to kill my dog because it was "in her way.” I wasn't "trying hard enough" to get better when I was diagnosed with cancer, and I was "making shit up.” 

She lived with my mother until she was 31, rent-free and with no bills until she was met a man on a dating site and moved in with him. My mother is in a dire financial situation now because of my sister's spending and manipulation. 

I understand that my parents enabled her and that they have to own that but they won't because my sister just had a baby. This adds extra weight to the fact that my parents flip-flop between believing her when she lies about me and calling out her behavior. They just want to be around their grandson, and tolerating her behavior is the price they pay for a ticket to bragging baby pictures on Facebook.

When my nephew was born, my husband and I were living across the country, and my sister was immediately offended that we didn't put ourselves in debt to fly out and see her.She has this Norman Rockwell vision of our family that never existed. 

Emotional and verbal abuse were the only normal I ever had as a child and young adult. 

My sister has this narrative that our idyllic family life is being ruined because of my successful life choices — because I relocated for a better job, because I went to college and "abandoned" her, because I'm succeeding in my field.

She stopped speaking to me last month, and it was fucking great. She's just recently started speaking to me again, just sending me pictures of my nephew. I feel like she's putting her son in the middle and using him to get me to start speaking to her again. I don't even know why she stopped speaking to me this time; she's that erratic.

I feel like I live in a minefield where any step I take is going to be wrong. It's taken a lot of therapy to realize I identify my sister more as an abuser during my childhood than I do my parents.

We've had to cut a lot of people out of our lives recently. My husband's parents struggle with extreme mental health and addiction issues, and after a fucking terrifying incident with his parents that involved the police, we decided to stop putting ourselves in the path of people who just want to be traumatic and shitty. 

Even after an intense five years of therapy, I still feel like it's my responsibility to fix what my sister thinks I broke. 

I'm afraid of her. I'm a successful, educated woman with a wonderful marriage and a great career. And I'm afraid of my big sister. We've lost a lot of people in our lives. My husband and I both recognize that as children of abuse that this was bound to happen the healthier we got. 

I just can't shake the feeling that I'm the bad guy, that I'm responsible for ruining everything. Am I in the wrong here? It really feels like no matter what I say, I'll be the villain for it.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Will My Parents Choose Religion Over Me?

A.

Oh, my dear, you have had to deal with a lot. I am thrilled to know that you’ve been in therapy and that you and your husband have been setting healthy boundaries for your family. That is the right way to handle toxic family members. It can feel harder to set boundaries with siblings, parents, and children than with anyone else. 

She doesn’t get a free pass for abusive behavior just because she is your sister.

And truly no one should — not partners, parents, friends, family members, even children. 

It can feel scary to set those boundaries with the family in which we grew up. Sometimes the abusive behavior feels so normal that even when it is damaging us, we minimize it, think it’s all in our heads.

It sounds like that’s what has been happening here.You know the situation is toxic, but you feel guilty for setting boundaries.Years ago, a therapist told me something that would come to be a key to understanding so much about childhood trauma.

All that guilt is unexpressed anger. 

You have a right to be angry. You have a right to be angry at your sister, at your parents for enabling it, and with the situation in general. It sucks. It is not fair. But you have to look at it with clarity. 

I hope you do set that boundary once and for all. You can eliminate yourself from the line of fire and still love her. You can have as little or as much as a relationship with your sister and parents as you want or need. And whatever you decide is best for you and your family unit is okay. It does not make you a bad person. 

Boundary setting makes you a healthy person. 

Lastly, you have no control over how your parents handle their relationship with your sister.They are also probably not who to go to with your frustrations about your sister. Talk to your therapist, husband, and friends. Process this with them, lean on them for support. You have made a healthier family for yourself than the one you grew up in, and that is a significant step forward. 

Likewise, you have no control over whether or not your sister paints you as the villain. It’s not your business nor your problem. Let it go.

Don’t doubt yourself when it comes to this boundary setting. Your instincts to extricate yourself from the madness are accurate and healthy. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Rhodochrosite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Is My Boyfriend Going To Leave Me Because Of My Mental Health Issues?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hey Erin, 

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost four years now. We started dating in high school, and for the most part, things are great. 

I've got a lot of mental health issues because of my abusive childhood, and he has been nothing but supportive for our entire relationship. Lately, though, it seems like he's been getting more and more frustrated with me when I get upset at something or react badly to something completely benign. 

He hasn't said he's tired of my problems, and he's promised me many times that he wants to be with me no matter what, but I can't help but worry that one of these days I'll have a meltdown about something trivial and he'll be done. I'm going to be getting therapy once I have medical insurance, and I know that a lot of his complaints are legitimate. 

I just can't shake this feeling that he's going to leave me and find someone who makes him happy without being insane.

Thanks for any advice you can give.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: My Husband Is Mad That I Don’t Want To Watch Porn With Him 

A.

I have been there. In every relationship I’ve had, including early on with my husband, I lived in fear of being discovered — that discovery being my mental health issues. I struggled with and ran from my depression for so long, and it resulted in all sorts of dysfunctional behavior.I pushed people away, acted out, and had a hard time controlling my impulses. What I didn’t consider that you should consider…

Take what he’s telling you at face value. 

Your boyfriend has said that he wants to make things work. You need to believe him. I have been on both sides of this in a relationship, and it is incredibly frustrating when your partner refuses to take your words at face value, assigning hidden messages to them. 

It can push people away when you constantly doubt what they say. Trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship, romantic and otherwise. 

We have no control over what someone else may or may not decide to do. 

I, like you, spent so much time worrying about losing people that I often ended up pushing them away.

Ultimately, you have no control over what he does.However, you do have control over what you do.This is why making your mental health a priority is imperative.

Our mental illness is not our fault, but it is our responsibility. 

This is something Ravishly’s EIC has often said, and I wholeheartedly agree. For the partner of someone who has a mental illness, it can be frustrating, to say the least. I am glad to hear you are getting some help when your insurance kicks in. You owe it to yourself; taking care of ones’ mental health is the ultimate in self-care and self-love. And, bonus, it benefits your relationships. 

All that said, if you find he uses your mental health issues against you or holds grudges over instances when you’ve acted out, those are red flags going forward. 

Take care of your mental health, FOR YOU. Give your partner the benefit of confidence in what he says, unless he shows you otherwise. Keep the communication with him open — you should know how he is feeling in the relationship and vice-versa. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Hiddenite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

How Do I Tell My Sister That Her Husband Relapsed?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

I'm fairly certain my brother-in-law relapsed on heroin, and I don't know what to tell my sister. 

My sister was a late bloomer; she lived with our parents until she was 27 and she's almost willfully naive. She met her husband on a dating app and moved in with him after knowing him for two weeks, quitting her job and leaving behind substantial debt for my parents to pay off. 

My brother-in-law had just gotten out of a court-mandated treatment program when they met. They've been together two years and have two kids with the third one on the way. 

There are a lot of red flags in this relationship, but mostly the one that sticks out is that my brother-in-law goes to concerts and raves sometimes states away for days at a time and always comes back either flat broke or with wads of cash. This makes me think he's either moving or selling on top of using. 

After these raves, a lot of pictures pop up on Instagram and Snapchat of him looking high. He's been open on social media about using kratom and buying Suboxone and Narcan to misuse it. 

On the face of things, my sister's life looks very charmed, and Pinterest-Perfect and my parents and other siblings adore her husband for finally "bringing her out of her shell." 

But there are children involved at this point, and I don't know how to tell her I'm concerned. 

I've had my own issues with recovery and have been sober for ten years, and I'm pretty sure of what I'm seeing. 

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Should I Lighten Up About My Partner’s Drug And Alcohol Use? 

A.

You are right to be concerned. 

In my experience, whenever I’ve had the gut feeling that someone was using, 99% of the time that gut feeling was correct. 

I want to address a couple of things in your email. Kratom and Suboxone are often used by people as a means of staving off opiate withdrawal. That said, they can also be abused.Narcan (or Naloxone) is an antagonist, commonly used to reverse an overdose. It could be that he has Narcan because he is using and/or around people who are using. 

The fact that he disappears for days at a time when he has two kids and one on the way is concerning, even without the drugs. And I agree; there seem to be plenty of red flags here.

So what can you do? 

You have to put aside your feelings about the denial that your sister and parents are in. You have no control over what they believe or what they are capable of confronting. 

But you need to tell them what you’re observing. Set up a time to speak with your sister privately. 

Tell your sister what your concerns are by laying out the facts. 

The facts are he is disappearing for days on end, returning with missing money or wads of cash, and has drugs on him that are used to stave off opiate withdrawal and reverse opiate overdose. Remind her that you are on her side, that you love her, and you will be there to support her. Remind her that she needs to set aside the discomfort of confronting this because she has two (almost three) kids to think about. 

Please do this without adding in opinion or judgment. It will be a lot easier for her to hear if you stick to the facts. You also need to let your parents know what you’ve observed. 

When it comes to addiction, I believe in transparency. 

This is why I think it is important to let your parents, grandparents to those kids, know what the facts are as well. As with your sister, don’t add in judgments and opinions. 

I think it is highly unlikely that you are wrong about your assessment here, based on what you’ve said in your email. As I said, they may not be able to accept the truth in front of them.

Once you’ve had these conversations with them, you can set boundaries for yourself so that you are not in situations with someone who is actively using and denying it. If they can confront things, you can be there to assist in a family intervention. 

As you are already in recovery, you may be aware of Al-Anon. I always recommend this as a good place to start for loved ones of people who have substance abuse issues. Really, it’s a valuable program for learning how to set boundaries in general. 

Remember, you have no control over the actions or reactions of any of your family members, but you can and should say something and then set boundaries accordingly. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Golden Yellow Topaz, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

How Do I Tell My Friend To Stop Pushing Her MLM Products On Me?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Ask Erin,

I'm in a small circle of close-knit moms whose kids were in the same class at school a few years ago. Some of the kids have moved to different schools now, but the moms get along so well that we all agreed to keep in touch and we still regularly meet up for mom's night out and various activities.

One of the moms is also involved in a multi-level marketing company and is way too frequently trying to sell her products to all of us. 

It gets annoying, but she's honestly such a lovely and sweet person most of the time that we just grumble about it in whispers to one another. Every single mom in the group has complained about this behavior privately.

The thing that really bothers me is that her selling is shrouded in friendship-like banter.She'll ask about a project of mine or something that's important to me and casually include a link to her new product line. It makes me feel like she's not genuinely interested in what's going on with me, rather she's looking for *any* excuse to push her merchandise. 

I'm beginning to wonder, does she see me as a friend or her potential downstream seller?

I haven't wanted to say anything to her for fear of offending or upsetting her. I know this is how she earns her living. But this morning, I got the same type of "sales/friendship" text at 6:30 am!!! 

I don't think I can take it anymore and the other moms aren't willing to let her know how they feel, but I feel like something has to give!

Please help! How can I get her to stop without hurting her or the friendship I think we have?

 — Sick of MLM

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Deal With Friends Who Are ALWAYS Late?

A.

Dear Sick of MLM, 

You are not alone. There are SO many of us that can relate to your plight. 

The root of the problem here is boundaries. 

And while you and your other mutual friends have been wanting to be polite or not hurt her feelings, you are doing yourselves and her a disservice by not setting the boundary and being honest. 

So how do you break it to her gently?Set aside a time to speak with her about the privately.You can do this in person or by phone.Make an appointment or date with her for a chat.

And say something like this: “Hey, I wanted to touch base with you about something. I am 100% supportive of your business and want you to succeed, but I need to ask you not to try to sell to me when we are hanging out. It interrupts the time we have together — which I cherish. If you’d ever like to speak to me about something related to business, let’s plan that ahead of time, so the two don’t get mixed up.” 

If your friend is trying to recruit you into the MLM, be clear that you are not interested in getting involved in the business. 

If she is selling a product you would never buy, you can amend the above statement to include something that indicates that you support her business, but it is not a product that interests you, that you’re not her target audience. 

If, after setting the boundary, she slips in the sales pitch during friend time, say something at the moment: “Hey, I appreciate that you’re trying to grow your business, but remember what I said before? I don’t want to feel like our time together is about selling me something. I care about our friendship, and that’s what I want to focus on.”

As hard as it can feel to set that boundary, it’s imperative if you are going to keep this person as a friend in your life.

I would encourage your other mutual friends to do the same. You can do so with kindness, and the kinder thing to do is to be straightforward with her, rather than complain about her behind her back.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Dioptase, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Is It Time To Leave My Husband?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Erin,

I have been married for 12 years to a financially stable, hardworking man who loves me and whom I believe would never physically cheat on me.

The problem is, he cannot express emotional intimacy. 

He withholds sex, and I catch him masturbating, despite my pleading with him that I need more sex and more connection with him. Despite six years of off and on couples counseling, we are still in the same pattern. 

And he drinks.

Two years ago, I told him I wanted to separate, and he agreed to go to counseling on his own. He went three times and stopped, without telling me, because he felt he had no issues. 

So, here I am. Two kids, married to a trustworthy, kind, provider who is married to his job. My urge is to divorce him, but I feel fickle for doing so. Plus, his job is very stressful. Last year, I couldn't leave because he was in a severe traffic accident.

My question for you: Are my lack of sexual and emotional needs enough to leave an otherwise (financially and chore wise) supportive union?

Thanks,

Pragmatic and Unfulfilled

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Can I Learn To Trust My Husband?

A.

Dear Pragmatic and Unfulfilled, 

It is abundantly clear that you are not happy. And this situation goes beyond just your sexual and emotional needs not being met. 

People often ask me if they should leave their partner, and I cannot make that decision for you, but I can tell you what I would do in your shoes to figure out a decision. 

Two things struck me as I read your email, his drinking and his unwillingness to continue therapy. Now, you didn’t say to what extent the drinking is an issue, but since you mentioned it, I am going to assume that it is. 

I can’t say that drinking is the root of the problem, but much of what you’re describing sounds like it could be. Of course, he quit counseling — that level of self-awareness is terrifying for someone who is using substances as a salve.

You have no control over his actions, but you do have control over yours. 

You didn’t mention if you were in counseling, but I think it is imperative.

You need the guidance of a therapist to sort through what you want and need.

Secondly, with the help of a therapist, you need to set an ultimatum for your husband to get back into both individual and couple’s counseling. From what you’ve described, this is not an abusive or toxic marriage, but it is dysfunctional.

You have two kids together; it is worth exhausting your options to save the marriage. 

Remind your husband that you want to model healthy behavior for those kids, both individually and as a couple. 

If he is entirely unwilling to try to change things with some professional help, then it will be time to evaluate leaving. I do believe it is healthier to end things that model an unhealthy relationship for those kids. 

Lastly, if the drinking is an issue, that needs to be addressed. I recommend AlAnon and possibly speaking with an intervention specialist. Again, open up to your therapist about this for some further guidance. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Charoite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo