Ask Erin: My Boyfriend Blocked Me On Social Media For Stalking Him

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin, 

I am having some really challenging issues in my love life. 

I have been with this guy for almost two years now. The first year we were in the same city, and the second year he moved to another city for a job which is like a four hour drive. 

Things were going fine until the point when he started making new friends in that city. 

I have to agree I am quite insecure about things in general. He didn't tell me initially that he made friends to avoid any kind of fights, and I found out about this by stalking him on apps like Venmo and Facebook. 

He told his friends about me. To make me feel less insecure, he even put his WhatsApp with me, but since I stalk him a lot, he blocked me on Facebook and Instagram, which bothered me a lot. 

I can't stop stalking him again and again by making fake accounts, using friends’ accounts, and things like that. 

So I think this stalking habit is making things worse for both of us. My boyfriend is someone who is private about things and someone who doesn't like to be told what to do and what not to do. Because of this stalking thing, whenever I see that he posted something or followed someone, I can’t control myself — confronting him about this, asking him about it — which makes things so messy. He ends up being furious about it and shutting me out for days. 

He keeps telling me that he won’t do anything wrong, but he doesn't want me on his social media until he is sure that I don't stalk him. 

All these things really bug me a lot, and I don't know what to do because talking with him doesn't help.

Can you please suggest me something to get over this problem?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Is My Depression Pushing My Boyfriend Away?

A.

Yours is a question that I get quite frequently. Social media stalking is, unfortunately, a common behavior when someone is not feeling secure in a relationship. 

I have seen this happen many times. Insecurity is present, social media stalking ensues, it pushes your partner away, and the insecurity grows. I know this feels like it’s about your relationship, and it may well be. The thing is whether he has done things to prompt this insecurity, or it’s self-manufactured is irrelevant. 

This is a decidedly unhealthy cycle you’re in, and getting to the bottom of it is imperative for your mental health. 

I strongly suggest seeking the help of a therapist to get a clearer picture of what’s happening here. From what you mentioned in your email, it sounds like you’ve expressed your insecurities, and he has mostly responded/taken actions designed to make you feel at ease. I can understand why your boyfriend is feeling frustrated by your behavior. That said, your gut keeps putting up red flags. 

Your intuition is telling you that something about the relationship is not working for you, even if he has done nothing wrong. 

Maybe a long-distance relationship is just not right for you; maybe he is not right for you. And that’s okay. Neither of you has to be doing anything wrong for the fit to be off. In my experience, if there are continual bumps like this in a relationship, even if they seem irrational or illogical, they are indicative of the relationship just not working. 

As I said, therapy would be so beneficial for you to sort out what is really going on. There are also support groups like CoDA (12-step program aimed at addressing compulsive dysfunctional relationship behaviors). The more you take the focus off of what he is doing and on to what you can control, the better off you will be. It’s not healthy for you or your relationship to waste time and energy stalking him on social media. 

Who would you be without stalking him?

When you feel compelled to start investigating every Venmo transaction or Instagram comment, take a moment, and choose another action. Pick up a book, watch TV, write, go for a walk, meditate. Commit to choosing another activity for 10 minutes. When that 10 minutes is up, commit to another ten minutes and so on. 

Obsessive behaviors like this are often rooted in the ritual of repetition, and we have to make decisions to change those patterns actively. Try that technique for the immediate and, longterm, work to get at the root of all that insecurity. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Malachite (my fave), or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more... xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Want A Fresh Start

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Erin,

I want a fresh start after being a toxic person with a toxic past.

I am a 23-year-old woman who is kind-hearted, sweet, and loving. However, I have had a rough past—from being a rebellious teen to lying profusely to exaggerating relationships to help me fit in/for attention. 

I am aware that I have made great changes. I’ve gone to therapy, admitted my wrongs, and have started some medication to help me with my depression and anxiety. 

It’s hard because even though I have accepted my flaws from the past, I'm fearful that I won't get respect from others. I also fear people will only think of me as a liar when I'm not—anymore, at least. 

How do I stand firm in knowing that I have made mistakes and want to grow from those mistakes? 

How do I not care what anyone thinks of me deciding to change my life for the better? How do I not allow the world — that is imperfect itself — to come into my world and tear me down? 

How do I walk firmly and confidently in my own shoes without fearing what people are going to think of me, based on my past?

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A.

You have come to the right place. 

I have made ALL the mistakes. I was also toxic. I lied about drugs and cheating and my feelings. I gaslit my friends and family and boyfriends. These are not things I am proud of, and I used to carry so much shame about my past. But I don’t anymore, and you don’t have to either. 

Here’s the thing about mistakes — EVERYONE makes them.

Do some of us make big mistakes? Yes. What’s wonderful about being human is that we have the ability to learn from our mistakes and change behaviors, which is exactly what it sounds like you are doing. And you are still so young! 

As you may already know from reading my column, I struggled with heroin addiction until I was 28 years old. I became a mom, and I had no idea how to be a functioning adult, let alone a mother or a healthy partner. So, even off of drugs, I continued to make a lot of mistakes, I continued to learn how to shed my old toxic behaviors. What I’m saying is that it took me a LONG time. 

I used to feel like my past was something to hide, but as I began opening up about my past, I realized that living in the truth, even when it feels scary, brings freedom. As I began to accept myself, I realized how the mistakes of my past shaped who I am today. It takes bravery and character to own our missteps, even when they were enormous, and learn and change and grow. 

You are the kind-hearted, sweet, and loving young woman you are today, the one you are still becoming, because of those mistakes and what you’ve learned from them, not in spite of them.

Also, I want to tell you how proud I am of you. You are taking actions to make your mental health a priority. At 23, you are tackling adult responsibilities better than most.

It does not surprise me that depression and anxiety are at the root of your toxic behaviors. I relate all too well, and taking care of your mental health now with therapy and medication is a big deal and no small feat. Many of us run from doing that for years. 

In addition to continuing the work, I want you to show yourself some compassion. 

I hated myself for so many years, and my actions confirmed the distorted belief system I had about myself. Now, when I look back, I have compassion for the girl I was, the young woman I was. You deserve compassion, too. 

Now, I understand the fear of judgment from others. We have no control over what others think of us. The truth is some people might judge you for the person you used to be. Those people are not your people. 

If someone is going to look down on you or make you small because of your past, it says far more about their character than it does about yours. 

You are on the right path. Don’t be afraid to show people the person you are today, how far you’ve come. With time, you will feel strength standing in the truth of who you are. 

It’s a lie for any of us to say we don’t care what anyone thinks of us. BUT, there will come a day when you feel secure in setting boundaries with people who want to tear you down. You will learn to surround yourself with people who see you, who love you, who accept you. You’re doing so well. Keep growing and evolving and moving forward. I believe you will. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Hiddenite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: Is My Depression Pushing My Boyfriend Away?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I’m concerned my boyfriend is backing away because of my depression.

I have depression, and my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now. He has said before that my depression worries him because of his last girlfriend, who had depression. She didn't do anything about it and treated him badly.

I have, at times, mistreated him due to letting my depression (and the anger it has caused) take over. 

He has addressed it with me, and I see where he is coming from. I needed to hear it so I could adjust how I react and behave when I feel it gets the best of me. I have been seeing a therapist for the last two months, and I have made huge improvements. 

I still have bad days, especially when life events stress me out, that are again mine to take care of. Things like that fuel my depression, and I have an initial moment of breakdown before I calm and come up with a way to fix it.

I would like to talk to him about it, so I am not only talking to my therapist. I am scared to do so because I am afraid he will shut down on me or think I am taking it out on him or even expecting him to fix it for me. 

I know that all my problems are mine to fix. 

All I have ever wanted from him was support, comfort, and knowing he is there for me. 

But I don't know how to approach this with him. Please help.

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A.

I understand both your position and your boyfriend’s. 

For many years, my mental health issues went mostly unchecked. My coping mechanisms—drugs, cheating, spending money, pushing people away—were toxic and destructive. Even as I began to undo my years of crappy learned behavior, I struggled. 

It’s an awful feeling to know that you’re acting out—sabotaging, misdirecting your anger and sadness—but incapable of stopping yourself. I remember that feeling well. 

I am happy to read that you have been seeing a therapist and working on your mental health. Our mental health is not our fault, but it is our responsibility. And you are taking care of yourself in significant ways, not just for your relationship, but, more importantly, for your happiness and stability. 

One thing that gives me pause here—you mentioned that you wanted to be able to speak to your boyfriend about what you’re struggling with so that you’re not only talking to your therapist. I think you need to get clear with yourself about your expectations. 

While you should certainly feel like you can speak with your partner about what’s going on in your life, don’t make your boyfriend your therapist. 

Your therapist is there to process and work through your mental health issues with you. I think that it puts undue pressure on a relationship to expect our significant other to take on that role. Again, you shouldn’t hide what’s going on with you, but leave the heavy lifting to your therapist. 

I also find that my husband and I are both happier (and I am more satisfied) when I turn to my friends with the day to day problems. So if you’re looking for that extra support, lean on your friends rather than your romantic partner. 

I hope that you understand that I am not suggesting your partner be left out of what’s happening in your life, or that you shouldn’t want or need love and support. But, from my experience, my relationship suffers when I look to my partner for answers that I need to figure out on my own, or with friends or a therapist. 

You have no control over his reactions or how he responds to your depression, but you do have control over how you take charge of your mental health. 

That’s important to remember. Will he back away because of your depression? I can’t answer that. If he does, it is not your fault; it’s not within your control. What is in your controller the actions you take to care for yourself. And that’s just what you’re doing. Recognize that. It’s a big deal, a positive one. Share your wins with your boyfriend. Let him know what’s working.

What’s awesome is that all the positive changes in your behavior will be evident. Might you still have bad days, backslides? Yes. Don’t beat yourself up over those moments, but continue to use the new tools you’re learning to regulate your emotions and move forward. That positive change in behavior is the best thing for all of your relationships, including this one. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Golden Yellow Topaz, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Daughter Hates Me

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

My daughter hates me.

I have a 17-year-old daughter. She says our relationship has been bad for the last two years. Now she lives far away from where I am because she’s on a scholarship and wants to finish her studies there. Meanwhile, I’m working trying to make ends meet for both of us. 

She has always been determined to get what she wants in life, and no matter what I said or did, I could never get her to listen to me. 

So when she said she wanted to stay on in the country where I used to live and work while I was in my home country, I said yes. And now she doesn’t want to come back home, not even on holiday because she says she is scared of me being manipulative and making her feel bad. 

I don’t know what I’ve done to make her feel that way, but that’s what she said. 

I don’t know what else to do now as I’ve done pretty much everything she’s asked of me. Please help.

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A.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this rough time with your daughter. I can understand why you feel hurt and confused. It’s hard for me to discern what it is she is upset about because I feel like I am missing information. It sounds like you’re missing information, too, or not looking at the whole picture. She may well be in the wrong here. 

But you also need to listen to what she’s said to you. 

She said that she didn’t want to come home because she was afraid that you would be manipulative and make her feel bad. I think you need to consider that even if you are not doing anything intentionally, there is a dynamic between you that is not healthy, that doesn’t feel secure. 

That doesn’t mean that this is your fault. But it doesn’t mean it’s all her fault either.

When people tell us that they feel a certain way around us/because of us, we need to take stock and evaluate where we may be at fault, even unintentionally. 

Something you wrote stuck out to me: “She has always been determined to get what she wants in life, and no matter what I said or did, I could never get her to listen to me.” 

This is a common issue between children and parents, particularly in the adolescent and early adult years. I remember struggling with my parents in my teens and into my twenties. Likewise, now as a parent, I am on the other end of it, frustrated at times like you are, with my teenager. 

As parents, the issue of control is a big one. I have to work at it continually, to give up that control, to allow my kid to make his own decisions, even when I don’t like them. Part of growing up is learning how to make our own decisions, learning that sometimes those decisions might not serve us well, and, most importantly, learning how to fail. 

You need to let go of that control. 

Let her make her own decisions. In my experience, children (even adult children) tend to start listening once we stop demanding it. 

Allow her to make those choices without your advice or opinion, and you too can set boundaries for when and how you communicate. When you do speak, keep a level head. If she takes the conversation in an argumentative direction, lead by example. Stay calm. Don’t react. 

I am always amazed at how much easier it is to break unhealthy dynamics when I focus on changing my behavior and reaction rather than trying to force the other person to do so. 

Don’t lose hope here. She is still a teenager. She is learning who she is in the world. Instead of fighting with her for control over her life, let her have it, and be there for her. She will come back to you; you need to change the pattern. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Charoite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Boyfriend Keeps Commenting On My Body

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin, 

I don’t know how to deal with my boyfriend’s comments about my body.

I’m in a long term relationship with a guy. He’s normally funny and sweet. I love him a lot and enjoy spending time with him. 

However, sometimes, when we are just chilling and cuddling, he will make comments about my body that seem to come out of nowhere. For example, the other day, he suggested that I should get breast implants. 

This upset me, and I told him so (I have no desire for plastic surgery, and my breasts are already DD naturally, which I’ve felt insecure about). He apologized, but later, a few days after, he did it again while we were intimate. 

I feel annoyed and ugly. 

I’m not sure what to say to get him to cut it out.

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A.

Ugh. It infuriates me that your boyfriend is commenting on your body. And even more so since you told him how it makes you feel. 

This type of behavior is a form of gaslighting. 

It’s dealbreaker behavior. Even if we give him the benefit of the doubt — and he’s not consciously trying to undermine your confidence — this is a huge red flag. 

If you were my sister/friend/daughter, I would tell you to get out of this relationship. In my experience, this pattern of commenting on a partner’s appearance leads to more severe forms of gaslighting and controlling. I understand that this may seem like an extreme reaction, but it’s not. 

That said, there is a chance that you can correct course here, BUT only with some very clear boundaries AND I would recommend you see a couples’ counselor together. He must hear what you are saying, and sometimes an objective third party is the one who can help that happen. 

I’m going to tell you what I have told countless friends over the years… 

Don’t stay with someone who is almost right for you.

Yes, he may be funny and sweet, but do you really want to make a long-term commitment to someone who says things he knows are hurtful because he wants to change something about your breasts? I don’t like it at all. You deserve to be loved by someone who loves the breasts you have now. Because every body is a good body. 

As I said, at the very least, draw that line. Please don’t stay with someone who continually chips away at your self-esteem and ignores your feelings. You are worth so much more. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Fire Agate, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I'm Jealous Of My Boyfriend's Ex-Wife

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I’m having a lot of trouble dealing with my jealousy towards my boyfriend’s ex-wife. 

They were together for seven years, married for two. He has two kids with her. She cheated on him and left him, but she texts him every day and still calls him to check up on the kids 24/7. 

My boyfriend doesn’t want any more kids. I do, and I’m jealous she was able to give those things to him, and I can’t. When it’s his week to have the kids, she will always be there and go to the park with them and trick-or-treating with them. 

She dislikes me and doesn’t want me around even though we have only been dating for a month. 

I feel so jealous, and I don’t know how to handle it.

All the things I want, she gave him, and he doesn’t want those things again. 

Help.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Help! I’m Jealous Of My Boyfriend’s BFF’s Relationship 

A.

There are two issues here. Let’s take a look at them separately. 

I understand that it can be frustrating and intimidating that the ex-wife is in the picture. But they have two kids together. They have a seven-year history. You have only been dating for a month. 

If you want to move forward with this relationship, you will have to accept that she’s going to be a part of his life. 

With kids, there’s no way to avoid that. You need to be honest with yourself about how comfortable you would be longterm with the situation because she is not going anywhere. 

Now, your boyfriend can undoubtedly set some boundaries that will make things more comfortable for everyone. But, it’s up to him to set them. You can certainly set your own limits, but you need to be clear on what will and won’t work for you in this relationship.

Regardless of how she may feel or act, pitting yourself against her is a bad idea.

You don’t want to contribute to any tension the kids may already feel between you. Further, consider that they may be doing things together like trick-or-treating or the park for the benefit of the kids. After I separated from my older son’s dad, I often was in situations with him — ballet recitals, trick-or-treating, birthday parties, etc. — because it was what was best for our son. We had to learn to peacefully co-parent even when we didn’t like each other very much. 

There is a more significant issue here — he doesn’t want any more kids, and you do want kids. 

You are not going to wish him into wanting the same things you want. Might he change his mind? Sure, but we have no way of knowing that. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen people bank on their partner changing some fundamental part of their personality or plans for the future. They are almost always disappointed. 

You have only been dating a month; slow your roll. Instead of focusing on how you want your boyfriend and his ex to change their behavior, figure out what you want in a longterm partner and take an honest look at whether or not this man fits that bill. 

Date the person you want to be with, not the person you are hoping they will be one day. 

This all boils down to boundaries (yours and his), honesty (with yourself and with him), and some perspective — those kids come first, and they always will. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Rainbow Moonstone, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Am Bored With My Life

CONTENT NOTICE: suicidal thoughts

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I'm so satisfied with my life that I don't know what else to do

I'm a woman, 48 years old. For the past ten years or so, I've been feeling content. 

Before, I was suffering from past trauma that led me to depression, suicide, commitment issues, and so on. Then, I took care of myself and freed myself from all those things. I went to therapy; I rebuilt and developed myself again. 

I'd been feeling so content and satisfied with my life since. I’d come to realize that I have reached all my dreams. I'd been in a playful mode; I could find funnies even in my saddest situation. 

But after several years of feeling satisfied, I'm bored.

First, I thought I was bored because I didn't have new dreams. So I tried to generate some. After having reached those new "unnatural/not genuine" dreams, I felt bored again. I raised my standard in doing things in order to have something to pursue. But things seem to be pretty easy for me now. If I succeed, I'm happy. If I don't succeed, I cry a little, evaluate and reflect, and then I learn the lessons. I try to give back to society by providing free services for those who need it. I'm still passionate about it, but not as much as before. 

I practice meditation, mindfulness. I went again for counseling, but the three psychologists I met didn't quite help. None of these has helped me to find the passion again. 

Then, I started thinking about committing suicide again. A long time ago, I was suicidal because I was depressed and desperate. But this time, I can't say I want to commit suicide because I feel sad and depressed — I'm just bored with life because I have nothing else to pursue. 

Do you think you can spark me or challenge my mind so that I can figure out what to do next? 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

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A.

As Kierkegaard said, boredom is “the root of all evil.”

I tend to agree. But first, let’s get clarity on the situation. You are not bored because you are so satisfied with your life. Being satisfied would not equate to boredom. By saying that you are content and satisfied, but bored, and even suicidal, is selling yourself short. 

Boredom is not depression, but they are cousins. 

I describe depression as inertia. For me, depression equals inaction, a lack of decision making. It is like living in a vacuum with no forward motion, stuck on an endless loop. So for me, boredom is a huge symptom of depressive episodes. That can go hand in hand with looking like everything is fine — working, socializing, volunteering, meditating, etc. 

But clinical depression and other mental health issues don’t work that way. Everything in your life can be fine, and you can be doing all the things that should help and still feel awful. Because brain chemistry sometimes needs more than we have in our tool kit. 

What concerns me is that you’re thinking about suicide again.  

This shouldn’t be taken lightly. I know you mentioned that the last three psychologists you saw did not help, but I think you need to keep trying. Find a new one. It sounds like you can access care; I hope you do. From my experience, even if this goes away temporarily, it is likely to come back. And you don’t want to risk having it come back and put you in a place of desperation again.

You asked, “Do you think you can spark me or challenge my mind so that I can figure out what to do next?”

What I want you to do next is to seek some professional help. 

And, outside of that, think about something you may have always wanted to do that you thought wasn’t possible or seemed frivolous. Maybe that means skydiving or hiking. Maybe that means taking an improv class or going on a writing retreat. Whatever it is, take those risks, grab those opportunities. 

But above all else, please seek help for the return of suicidal ideation.

Lastly, you didn’t mention if you have spoken to any friends or loved ones in your email. I encourage you to do so. Connecting with people helps. Being truthful about what we feel inside, even when it feels scary or embarrassing, is freeing. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m baking, Eucryptite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Have Never Felt Pretty

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I have never felt pretty. 

I cannot think of a single time in my whole life that I have ever once felt beautiful. 

In spite of spending lots of times in salons, spending big money to get my hair done or nails or whatever, I've always felt like someone just poured glitter on a trash can. 

I’ve felt like an ugly bride. I see photos of myself at other people's weddings or mine, and I look happy, but I remember how I really felt with all those photos being taken — glitter trash. 

I remember spending days looking for a prom dress and loving the one I got, but still feeling like trash. I just want to know what it's like to look in the mirror and not want to cry or vomit. 

What am I doing wrong? 

I'm a cis female, but I've fantasized about being a guy so that maybe it wouldn't matter so much. 

I wish I could afford therapy, but even online therapy is too much. I've been thinking about trying to lose weight or change my makeup, but it feels like dressing up a goat at this point. 

I see photos of myself as a child, posing in dress-up clothes and wondering if I felt pretty then before society or reality ruined me. 

I wish I could remember.

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A.

I am not a therapist or medical professional, but the type of feelings you have sound like what I’ve experienced with BDD (Body dysmorphic disorder). BDD is described as “a mental disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that, to others, is either minor or not observable.” 

I understand. I really understand what it is like to look in the mirror and hate what you see. And I know that when you’re in it, no amount of reasoning or logic will talk your brain out of it. 

I spent years struggling with this. Sometimes I still do. 

I have had days when I could not leave the house because I felt too ugly, too fat (which is a whole other issue of internalized, unrealistic, arbitrary size standards), too not right. At my worst, I tore clothing, broke mirrors, threw things, scratched my face. 

It’s embarrassing to admit these things. I’m telling you because I understand. When people would compliment me, when anyone called me pretty or sexy or beautiful, all I could think was — somehow I’ve tricked them, somehow they only see what they want to see, they’re lying to make me feel better. It’s horrible to be fixated on our outsides when we hate what we see. 

It hurts my heart to know that you feel this way about yourself. 

And I want you to know that there are things that help. There are things I learned that have helped me improve. 

The number one thing that helped me was CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I know you mentioned that therapy, even online, was too much. I am not sure if you meant too much to handle or too costly. If there is any way you can access some professional help or are willing to try again, I want you to do it. Specifically, to work with a therapist specifically on CBT. 

I had to retrain my brain and practice behaviors that would reinforce healthy thought patterns. 

In addition to CBT, a mindfulness approach helped me greatly. Rather than trying to control the negative thoughts, I learned to acknowledge, observe, and accept them. This is sometimes called ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). 

For many people with BDD, medication can be helpful, as BDD is considered on the OCD spectrum. As I said though, I am not a doctor, and this would be something to discuss with a doctor familiar with the disorder. 

Another option to get some support is through online peer support groups. In the UK, the Body Dysmorphic Disorder Foundation offers a comprehensive list of both in-person and online support groups. In the US, there is a bimonthly online group through the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. And there are more out there as well. 

My struggles with BDD significantly improved as I did the work on my “insides.” As my self-esteem increased, I placed less value on my appearance. And there is one last thing I’d like you to consider…

Beauty is 100% subjective. 

What makes someone beautiful, makes someone sexy, makes someone glow, is the soul inside that shell. I know that it can be so hard to remember, but please try. 

You will never be perfect. You are more than your appearance. And you are beautiful. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Bloodstone, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: Should I Feel Guilty For Sleeping With A Married Man?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I’ve been having sex with a married man.

So, a married man contacted me online. I told him, “no way.” But he persisted. We met, and we started having sex. 

I know it's wrong. But he is the one straying. 

He has awakened me sexually. I don't have emotional feelings for him. I am not sure if I should continue seeing him. But, he has restored me sexually after a bitter divorce. 

Am I being selfish? Or should I enjoy this?

By the way, it’s not his first affair.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Is The Married Man I’ve Been Dating For 4 Years Just Using Me?

A.

You’re correct. He is the one straying. He’s the one who's broken his commitment to his wife. But…

The affair is not without emotional consequences for you or you wouldn’t be writing to me for advice. 

Having an affair, being the “other woman,” carries a lot of complications. Some are obvious, others less so.

The way you got together is full of red flags. He persisted in pursuing you after you said no. This was not a case of happenstance. This was a married man actively pursuing an extramarital affair with you. And, as you mentioned, this is not his first affair. 

Now, I am 100% on board for consenting adults doing what they want with each other. Should that be at the expense of others? Ultimately, that’s your call. But, for me, that would be a big nope. 

I’m speaking from personal experience. When I was 19, I had an affair with a married man who I didn’t have feelings for. In my 20s, I had an affair with a man (who was in a long term relationship) who I was madly in love with, and I have been the cheater, the one in the committed relationships having an affair. 

None of these scenarios made me feel good about myself. 

While this man may have reignited your sexual mojo post-divorce, that part — the I’m enjoying this so much part — is fleeting. That nagging feeling that maybe this isn’t a healthy situation is only going to get stronger. And eventually, it will start to peck away at your self-esteem. None of this is said to shame you, but rather illuminate your worth.

Actions reveal character. This man’s actions reveal his character.

You deserve more than this, even in a purely sexual relationship. 

I think you know this. As I said, it’s why you are questioning everything. Think about what you might say if your best friend or sister or daughter was in this same situation. Would this be what you’d want for them? 

End this. You’re going to be a whole lot happier dating or having sex with someone when it doesn’t involve deceiving someone else. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Zircon, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Husband Is In Recovery, But I Can't Move Forward

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years. We have three children. 

He became addicted to cocaine and prescription medication about three years ago when I was pregnant. 

The problem escalated, and we separated at the start of the year for five months. He went to rehab and has now been in recovery for three months. 

The problem is I feel terrible. I'm so down. I find it hard to forgive him for everything he's put me through. 

I never thought he'd do this to me, and I'm struggling with my feelings and how to move forward. 

I'm proud he's in recovery and that my kids now have a sober dad. But I'm so hurt at everything that has lead up to now. 

I don't know how to move past this.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Will I Lose My Fiance To Rehab?

A.

Being a partner to a person struggling with addiction is challenging, to say the least. I know. I have been the one in rehab, and I’ve been the partner of the one in rehab. It can be stressful and painful for both partners. 

It is understandable that you feel hurt and don’t know how to move past this. 

In my experience, the relationships we have when drinking or using are not healthy, and the unhealthy behavior usually comes from both parties. That may be hard to see from where you stand, but every relationship I had while using drugs depended on my partner’s codependency or other unhealthy relationship behaviors. 

Neither of you knows how to operate in this new dynamic, but you can learn to do so. Going back to what you had isn’t a real option. The relationship you had was broken. 

If you move forward together, your relationship will be an entirely new thing, built on a much healthier foundation. 

And I do think it is worth trying to build something new. You have three kids together. And, no matter what the outcome is, you will need to co-parent peacefully. 

Right now, your husband’s priority should be his sobriety. And your priority should be getting help for yourself. At the very least, you need some way to process what has happened and separate your relationship from his behavior. 

I always think therapy is a good idea. For now, you should each be seeing a therapist separately. Later, I would highly recommend a marriage counselor so that you can take the work you’ve done individually and figure out a path forward together with the help of a neutral third-party. 

Before you make decisions about your marriage, you need to sort out what you feel, what you want, and who you are, as an individual, separate from your partner. 

It’s hard to do that inside our brains, all alone. A therapist is there as a guide to help us figure out things we already know but are clouded by trauma, heartbreak, and, well, life. 

Now, I understand that therapy is not always an option for everyone, for a few reasons, but usually financial. Another way to get yourself some help is through a 12-step program such as Al-Anon or CoDA. Both of these programs can offer a lot of support for anyone struggling within a relationship, but especially for those with a partner who has substance use problems. 

This is not going to be figured out overnight, but I promise it won’t feel this painful and confusing forever. 

Focus on yourself — your wants and needs. Make some time for self-care, even in microdoses, which is often how it is when you have kids (I know!). And stay open to getting to know who both you and your partner are now, as you walk the walk in recovery. You might surprise yourself with what you learn about each other. 

Lastly, recovery is a process, and there are no guarantees that he won’t relapse again. This is why I want to emphasize again how helpful a 12-step program of your own (or other types of support groups, even online) will be for navigating this journey. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Gaspeite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I'm Addicted To My Boyfriend

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I think I have an addiction to my boyfriend. 

I don’t know what happened to me. I m not at all able to live without seeing him or being without him. I feel totally alone when I’m not with him. 

I have forsaken all my friends and mates, though he never told me to do so. It’s been seven or eight months. 

He loves me, but sometimes he just treats me like an option when I’m around him. He seems to care about me less. He seems too busy and in his own world. I have done a lot for him, and I’m trying my best to do all it takes to make this relationship work. But it feels like it’s all in vain. I’m just tired of having this same feeling time and again. 

I want to move on, but like a drug, I’m not able to live without him. 

As a matter of fact, I have expressed my feelings and how it kills me when he ignores me. He apologizes, but he repeats the same mistake again and again. 

I’m so f*cked up. Please help me.

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A.

The good news is that you are aware that there is a problem. That’s a huge first step. And you’re correct in your assessment. 



We can become addicted to people, and those relationships are always unhealthy. 

I know because I have been in them, on both sides. 

What you’re feeling is not love; it’s an obsession. In popular culture, there is a proliferation of messaging that makes us think that love makes us sick, and it's normalized. But is being lovesick akin to true love? I don’t think it is. The relationships I had when I felt lovesick were invariably toxic, and to be clear I was usually the toxic one. 

I want you to hear this: Love can’t live in this type of relationship.

A relationship that is making you this miserable is not sustainable. And regardless of what happens with this relationship, you’ll need to address the issues here, because it’s a pattern that is likely to repeat.  

My old pattern was passion, followed by fear, followed by sabotage. And self-sabotaging behavior can take many forms, like what you’re doing now. You’ve admittedly isolated yourself, you are in a pattern of not getting what you want from your boyfriend (putting aside that what you want may not be reasonable; I don’t know), and you recognize that you need help. 

You must get some help. So where do you begin? First, seeking the help of a therapist would be ideal. It took a lot for me to undo years of my own destructive behaviors. 

I am certain that the underlying problem did not begin in this relationship; this relationship reactivated something for you. 

In addition to or in place of therapy, there are two 12-step programs I think would help. The first is Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. This program has helped SO MANY people I know. They have meetings around the world, it’s free, and you’ll find a support network of peers who are struggling with similar issues. Another program worth looking into is CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) which, like S.L.A.A.,  is also a 12-step program that has meetings worldwide. 

As I said, that you recognize you need help is enormous. Now it’s time to do something about this. You don’t have to continue on in this relationship feeling this way. You can take actions to help yourself. Because this has little to do with your boyfriend individually, and everything to do with what’s going on with you emotionally. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Amazonite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Don't Like My Friends

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I'm hoping you can offer me some insight on the following situation. I'm 33 years old, happily single at the moment, loving my job and my passions (folk music, dancing, writing, staying in shape), but …

I’ve come to the uncomfortable realization that I no longer feel like spending any time with my friends. Any of them. 

I've done some serious work on myself, been to therapy, established the basis of a healthy relationship with myself and others, and with life itself, and with the potential of a serious romantic relationship. I no longer binge-drink, I take my job as a music teacher seriously, and I respect the boundaries of how much activity my body is able to take on. I give myself time to rest and no longer expect myself to go above and beyond what everybody else is doing. I no longer sleep around or engage in any type of toxic or unhealthy relationship (such as hooking up with a coworker who has a wife and kids).

I'm proud of all these things, but I feel alone. One of my friends sleeps around and binge-drinks and wants to party all the time, and I have no interest in that anymore. Another friend badly needs therapy but instead likes to call me and drain my energy with her complaining for three or four hours at a time. And so on. 

I've set boundaries with everyone for the time being, but I don't want to be the flaky person who ghosts her friends. 

However, I also don't know how to let them know tactfully, that I still love them, I just don't like them very much and don't feel like spending time with them. The concern is not that I will remain alone and never make new friends. I'm very social, and I also know these energy shifts always take you in the direction you need to go. My concern is hurting people who have been able to rely on me, and I on them, and I don't think it's their fault they've gotten stuck in the same thing while I've been able to change so much.

Thank you for reading and much love…

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A.

I feel for you. It’s painful to outgrow friendships. And I understand that you don’t want to hurt these people. Before you proceed, you need to make a decision. 

Do you want to have these friends in your life in a less involved way, or not at all? 

If you want to keep these relationships but with less involvement, that is possible. As you mentioned, you’ve set boundaries. You can continue to set any boundary that makes you feel comfortable. I have done this before, needed to distance myself from friendships for one reasoner another. But I didn’t want the friends out of my life; I just couldn’t remain so intertwined with their drama. And it worked. 

Some of them became closer friends again after a time. And some have remained more like acquaintances, and that’s okay too. We can still care for and love people from a distance. 

Conversely, I know I have been on the other side of this. I sensed it and truthfully was happier to have had these friends remain in my life in a limited way, rather than lose them altogether. I don’t fault them for any of it. Sometimes we just have to let go of certain people. 

I know you are afraid of hurting people, but unless you’re acting with malice, stepping away from a relationship that’s no longer working for you, even a friendship, doesn’t make you a bad person. 

You can be clear but kind. Some people will intuit the shift through your increased boundaries and decreased availability. But others may need a bit more clarity. And really, they deserve that. There is no reason you can’t deliver the truth with kindness. It’s what you would want if the roles were reversed. 

So what do you say? Lead with gratitude for the friendship you have shared. Then let them know why the friendship is not sustainable for you. You can say something like, “It’s become hard for me to feel comfortable spending time together because we are in very different places in our lives.” Or, “When you come to me for advice, I can’t give you the answers you’re looking for.” 

Acknowledge that ending the friendship doesn’t come easily for you and that you wish nothing but the best for them. It’s up to you how open you leave the door for social interactions. And remember this…

You can’t control your friend’s reaction. 

They might be hurt, angry, sad, or indifferent. But, if you speak the truth, and do so with compassion, then you don’t need to carry guilt because you've stepped away from a relationship that is not right for you anymore. 

Compassion, kindness, and honesty are key to walking away from any relationship in a healthy manner, especially with those we used to call friends. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Golden Rutilated Quartz, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Can't Handle The Sexual Dynamics Of My Relationship

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

So I have no idea what's wrong with me. 

I have a girlfriend, and we have a child together. 

I do truly love her and my son with all my heart, but I also feel like it’s not enough. 

I have had a seriously messed up past —  an abusive household and abandonment issues, to say the least. However, my true issues lie in my sexual desires. 

I am insatiable, I am a creature of passion and desire, and my girlfriend is, well, not. I can never get it out of my mind.

Am I a sex addict? Am I polyamorous? 

Why can’t I be happy with someone who cares about me even if the sex isn’t what I’d like? Or is this the relationship dynamic? 

I’m so lost and confused. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt. But does that mean I should just repress or swallow what I want? Any advice is appreciated.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: My Fiancé Feels Like A Roommate 

A.

It’s not uncommon in longterm relationships for one partner to have a higher sex drivethan the other. And there are absolutely ways to address this that can improve your relationship, beyond the bedroom. I don’t think you need to blow up your relationship to be happy here, nor do I think you need to repress your needs. We’ll get to that in a bit. However, I think it’s also essential to address one aspect of this that you brought up.

In your email, you questioned if you might be a sex addict.

Sexually compulsive behavior is prevalent among people who have had a history of abuse or abandonment. 

I am speaking from personal experience on this. Research has linked all sorts of compulsive and addictive behaviors to trauma. And abuse and abandonment lead to attachment issues. Feeling like you are constantly looking for sex may be a way of asserting control over that which felt out of control — secure attachments. I spent years disconnecting through sex. I was never satisfied. I often cheated. And those defense mechanisms to avoid getting hurt, avoid abandonment, hurt many people, especially me. 

I urge you to get some counseling to deal with this past abuse and abandonment. Even if they have nothing to do with your sexual dissatisfaction, there is a high likelihood that the past trauma is informing your behavior in current relationships, romantic and otherwise. Therapy can also help you sort out some of the questions you raised: Is this relationship-specific? Can you work with your partner on a solution? Is polyamory what would work for you, instead of monogamy?

Communication is key in a partnership, especially when it comes to physical intimacy. 

You didn’t mention if you have discussed this with your partner. Maybe she’s feeling unsatisfied, too. At the very least, you need to have a heart to heart about sex. You don’t have to lead with the fact that you’re frustrated. Instead, ask her what you can do to make sex more pleasurable for her.

Another aspect to consider — maybe the kid factor has put a wrench in things temporarily. Kids are draining, physically and emotionally. I know. I have them. We love them, but the energy they zap can make us feel decidedly unsexy. You might need to prioritize or schedule a time when you can reconnect before trying to be sexual. 

Try out some affection without sex as the end game. 

Sometimes, in a longterm relationship, the pressures around sex can make it feel like a chore rather than a pleasure. Take things back to the early days of dating. Allow yourself to get excited about getting excited about her again. And allow her to build that excitement too, and with you. Some ideas: a massage that doesn’t end in sex, taking a walk together and holding hands, making out without it leading to anything more. These sound basic, but they can help you find that spark again. Because even though your sex drive is high, something is amiss between the two of you. That’s not anyone’s fault, but keep an eye toward solutions rather than hoofing it out the door. 

If you find that the two of you are truly in different places with your sex drives or you’re questioning monogamy, please keep that line of communication open. And here’s where a therapist can be of great assistance to the two of you. 

You have a child together, and you love her; this is worth trying to fix. 

However you decide to proceed, please do so with transparency and honesty about what you want, what you need, and what you feel. And make that effort to find out what she wants and needs. You may be surprised at how far a little open communication can take you. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Petalite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly

Ask Erin: My Partner's Father Hates Me

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

So this one's a little complicated, and I’m not really sure how to explain it without it sounding insane.

My partner and I have been together on and off since we were teenagers, which is now well over half a decade. I love him, and I think that where we are now, I’m probably going to end up with him permanently. This terrifies me.

The main problem is that his father hates me. 

He is a very controlling man and tried to split us up last year. This included a personal assassination detailing every aspect of my personality, family and background that makes me not good enough for his son before sending a concluding text message declaring my relationship with his son over and threats if I tried to get back in contact with him. 

All of this just resulted in lots of heartbreak and stress, disrupting both of our studies at university, us getting back together and dating in secret for some months, and me now suffering from anxiety. 

It all happened a year ago now, and my partner’s family have known we got back together for a number of months. However, I am banned from the family home, and I have had no contact with them since (despite having been good friends with my partner’s sisters before having even met my partner).

My partner and I are now planning on moving in together in the summer when we graduate. I feel like this is really the turning point at which there’s no going back, and I’ll end up married to him, which actually would be something that I think I might want, but I am scared that it will all be a horrible mistake.

I am scared that my partner’s father will always hate me and that one day my partner will resent me for causing him to be distant from his family. 

I am terrified that his family will decide they want to reconnect and will just expect me to pretend that nothing ever happened and try to influence our lives. 

I am scared that I have never really been with many other people in my life or explored much, and that maybe us having to fight to be together has meant us sticking with each other rather than coming to an end on our own and doing other things (how many people end up with the people they dated in school anymore?). 

I am scared of the future and how much this nasty relationship with my partner’s father will cause problems going ahead. I don’t know what to do or if moving in together is even a good idea. Any advice you have would be really helpful.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Am I Overreacting To The Way My Partner’s Family Treats Me? 

A.

This is a challenging situation. Having a long-term partnership with someone whose family is at odds with you is complicated at best. I can understand your hesitation. 

You don’t want him to resent you, nor do you want to have to grin and bear it around people who have treated you so poorly. 

Before (BEFORE) you move in together, I strongly suggest the two of you speak to a therapist about the situation. You are young, you are dealing with familial relationships that sound pretty toxic, and they were probably that way long before you were in the picture. 

You didn’t mention how your partner handles this. You are banned from their home. Does your partner see them without you? Has he taken a stand? The two of you need to establish a united position in dealing with his family BEFORE you move in together. 

But there’s something else that struck me about your email. You mentioned another fear you have regarding this relationship. You noted how young you are, how you haven’t had much, if any, experience outside of this relationship, and questioned if the fight to stay together is what has kept you together. You’ve hit on something there. You need to evaluate your other very valid concerns about this relationship. 

Your fears have consolidated on this one issue — and it’s a big one — but your hesitance is really about a whole lot more. 

I was young once, too. Relationships when you’re young, particularly when they started in high school and continued into adulthood, can feel like they are meant to last forever. 

It’s important to acknowledge that sometimes we outgrow relationships. 

And that’s okay. That’s normal. The only people who can figure this out are you and your partner. My gut tells me that there lies the issue behind the issue. 

First and foremost, I urge you and your partner to speak with a therapist. It’s going to be necessary, if you move forward together, to have some objective guidance, particularly in setting boundaries. 

Lastly, please know that his father’s feelings toward you have less to do with you and more to do with his own crap. And that’s family baggage you are not required to take on.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Magnesite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

* This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I'm Going Through A Breakup With An STD Diagnosis

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hello Erin,

I was recently dating a girl for three months. Things were going really well, and we had fallen for each other after two months. 

I met her friends and family — parents, brother (and his wife and kids) for lunch. They liked me, and it all went very well. We went for overnight trips, and I was invited to Christmas at her parents. 

In mid-November, she told me she had an incurable STD. She was not taking any medications and had not told me upfront about it to practice safe sex. When she told me, I was supportive, and we went to some STD counseling to see how to keep myself safe. After the counseling, I got the symptoms and I was diagnosed with the same STD. 

Two days after my diagnosis, she broke things off with me. Then she ghosted me  — basically ignored me and told me to figure my life out by myself. 

Now I had a serious emotional setback along with an incurable STD. 

It’s been more than six months. I confronted her multiple times, just to be shut down. I think I should confront her parents about this. She is 34 years old, educated, and has a good job. How could she do this? 

What shall I do? I really like her.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Have Safer Sex With A Partner Who Has Herpes?

A.

I understand how this would be very upsetting. As you said, it was a double whammy with the STD diagnosis followed by a breakup and ghosting. 

She should have informed you of her STI status from the start. 

It’s wrong that she did not. She took away your decision-making process around how you practiced safe sex. And safe sex can be practiced when one partner is STI+. 

Do not confront her parents. What’s your motivation there? She is 34 years old. Are you hoping to shame her or get her “in trouble” with her parents? That’s not productive. And it certainly will NOT drive her back into your arms. 

Should she have been direct in communicating with you about her STD and the breakup? YES. Look at this way: she has shown you how she handles herself when a problem comes up. She avoids. This is not a quality you want in a romantic partner. Trust me on this. I was an avoider. And I was an awful girlfriend in my avoidance years. 


No matter how wrong she has been in handling this situation, it’s time to move on. 

It has been over six months. You need to let go of that past and look forward. And I suggest that before you start dating again, you get some counseling, to deal with these unresolved feelings and to better prepare yourself with communication in your next relationship. 

Don’t handle your STI+ status the way she did.

Educate yourself so you can better educate future partners. Planned Parenthood put together this handy video on how to handle this…

You will be able to get over this last relationship and move forward. Why wait? She is not worth you waiting around, stewing, or plotting ill-advised revenge. Let that sh*t go. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Heliodor, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I'm Scared About Coming Out As Transgender Later In Life

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I am faced with a decision, and for the life of me, I am unable to make a choice. I am wondering if you could give me your two cents worth? 

I am transgender — MtF — and 59 years old. 

I was diagnosed with this as a medical problem 15 years ago, but things were different in society then, and I hid in the closet. Now, things are better, but still, the Trans community faces a lot of backlash from others. 

My primary concern is that even if I have all the necessary procedures and surgeries, will I be accepted into the club as a woman? 

If not, then I don't think I can handle the rejection because then I will truly be alone. I know I shouldn't care, and if I were in my 30s, I wouldn’t. It would be a lot easier to make new friends if I was younger, but at my age, it's not as clear cut. 

Thanks for your input.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Thoughtfully Navigate My Feelings For A Trans Man?

A.

First, I want to say that I am so sorry that you have felt you needed to hide your true gender for all of these years. And I am so sorry that you are feeling so alone. Indeed, the focus has tended toward younger people who are in various stages of being out with their gender or transitioning. But the number of older folks coming out with their gender or transitioning is rising. 

Although I can’t decide what is right for you, I can answer your quandary the best I know how. 

I believe that you will be happiest in living as the person you truly are. 

I can imagine how scary that feels, to risk losing people you may have in your life now, to not know if you will be able to find a community with which to connect. But I believe in my heart that you will be happier and that you don’t have to go through this alone. 

The transgender community indeed faces further marginalization, even among other LGBT folks. But, as you pointed out, that has mostly changed. 

Will you be accepted into the "woman club?" By me, yes. 

By most people I know, yes. By the people in your everyday life, I don’t know. But I do know that if the people in your life, or anyone you should meet in the future, does not accept you, they are unworthy of having you in their life. 

I know that the lack of acceptance from some could potentially feel like a rejection. But I believe the risk is worth it. And I believe you will be happier. And I believe you will find your community. 

There is support available. In doing a little digging online, I found quite a few organizations in the US and the UK that provide a variety of resources and can even connect you with peers. If you live in a metropolitan area, there is likely to be more IRL support, but there are organizations in place that aim to connect with transgender folks who live in more isolated areas as well. 

Some examples of where to find support as an older transgender person: 

• Association of Transgender Professionals

• Facebook Transgender Support Groups

• Forge Forward

• Lavender Seniors

• National Center for Transgender Equality

• SAGE

• Susan’s Place

• Trans Mentors International

• Transgender Pulse

• Transgender Support (UK)

Additional reading on transitioning later in  life:

• Next Avenue

• The Guardian

• Buzzfeed

As I stated above, I believe that you will be happier living as who you are. And as scary as it feels to make new friends at the stage in your life, I am confident you can. Please stay in touch, let me know how you’re doing, and if I can be of any assistance in helping you find local resources, don’t hesitate to reach out. 

XOXO

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Danburite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly

Ask Erin: Am I In An Emotionally Abusive Marriage?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

Am I in an emotionally abusive marriage? 

My husband and I have been together for 14 years, and we have three children together. 

Recently, we got into a really silly fight in regards to the color of my hair. He has been pressuring me for years to go super blonde, but my hair is very dark, and it just doesn't go the shade that he wants. I ended up dyeing my hair again, over the failure that was my attempt to go blonde, and went back to my natural hair color. 

He had a massive meltdown about it. He told me I was selfish, that I never let him have anything he wants etc. We ended up sitting down and talking the next day, and I told him that him asking me to change my appearance all the time (dye my hair blonde, get Brazilian waxes) makes me feel very insecure like I'm not good enough for him, and he apologized. 

A few days later, he left a pornographic video up on the computer for me to find that had hot blonde in the subject bar. He also left the "used towel" behind for me to pick up. 

This isn't the first time he's done something like this. 

Every time he does it, I'm the one who ends up crying and apologizing to him for not being a "proper wife" and taking care of his needs the way I should. 

I'm just so confused right now. It's really messing with my head, and I don't know what to do. I think I want to leave but I can't. Honestly, I don't think I have the strength to leave him. 

I'm not the same person I was before I met him. I have no family or friends that I can go to, nobody I can talk to about this. I don't drive and financially, I rely on him for everything. 

I just feel... so broken right now.

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A.

I want to get straight to the answer here. 

Your husband’s behavior is emotionally abusive. 

Emotional abuse can be defined as "any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth.” 

There is no universe in which it is okay for a partner to berate you and continuously be demanding or pressuring you to change your physical appearance. Further, you have recognized that this a pattern with him. That he does things that make you feel horrible, like leaving the porn and used towel for you to find, and then turns it back on you. 

Please know that saying and doing harmful things and then making you feel like it’s your fault is textbook gaslighting.

He is gaslighting you. 

That you feel confused is a byproduct of all that gaslighting. I was once in a relationship with a man who lied and cheated repeatedly, and every time my suspicions were aroused, he would twist things around and make me doubt my intuition, made me think I was “crazy.” 

I understand that getting out of this situation feels impossible, but it is not. 

Approach this one step at a time. I am not sure where you live, but there are resources available locally in many places. In the United States, the resources page on the National Domestic Violence Hotline site is a good place to start. There are a variety of resources available in the UK as well. If you email me, I can point you in the right direction to start. 

Start getting a safety plan in order. A safety plan is a strategy for you to exit an abusive relationship safely. This may sound dramatic, but even in relationships where the abuse is strictly emotional/psychological/financial, an abuser can make things worse if they discover you are trying to leave. 

There’s another critical point I want to make. Seeing as you have children, I feel it is even more imperative that you start making a plan to get out. 

We model relationships for our children, and I am sure that you don’t want your children to grow up and be in relationships like this one — as either the victim or abuser. 

I know this is scary, but you can get out. There is a path to finding some financial independence for yourself. You are not broken. But you will need to reach out for help — from an organization like the ones I linked above — and you will need to start creating a support system for yourself. I know you mentioned you had no family or friends to turn to. Attempt to deepen a more casual friendship with someone who you believe is trustworthy and seek some guidance in a local support group. 

And please, do email me again for some region-specific resources. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Blue Calcite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Resent My Family

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I have a lot of resentment towards my family.

This sounds like a common problem, but until the past two years, I'd always been very close to my family. However, my dad (who I was super close with) got seriously chronically ill, and everything changed.

My siblings basically have done nothing. 

They don't visit or help with medical decisions. Meanwhile, I see him every day. 

My mother and I have developed a toxic codependency because we are the only two who are there for him. By that, I mean that if I don't visit him, she's mad and if she doesn't go, I'm mad. 

Meanwhile, I’ve watched him nearly die probably six times over the past two years. During the past year, I went through some major emotional and mental health issues triggered by my relationship, life-changing information about someone close to me, and the stress of my dad. 

I feel as though I had no support or leniency from them during this time. Recently, I got engaged, and none of them said or did anything, while my friends celebrated it. Every time I try to confront them, I feel like a selfish jerk, or it quickly escalates too far into them making me feel guilty. 

What do I do about this? 

Cutting them off feels extreme, but I feel totally alone and like I'm in a one-sided situation with them. 

I've sought counseling, but it's either a) expensive b) doesn't work around an office job or b) waitlisted. 

I'm so sad, and life has lost all joy for me. I don't know how to proceed.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: My Sister Is Abusive & I'm Terrified Of Her

A.

I can understand why you feel so frustrated. You are dealing with an extremely stressful ongoing situation with your father’s illness. And this is amplified by the fact that you and your mom are in caregiving roles, while your siblings are not. 

There are three main components here that need to be addressed — setting boundaries, managing expectations, and prioritizing self-care. 

The first thing I want you to consider is that you can set boundaries for how much you can give right now. It’s terrific that you have been there daily, but it’s not necessarily sustainable, for you or your mom. From your email, I have gathered that your dad is in a hospice or care facility. So he has some immediate physical care. It is okay to scale back on your visits. Setting some boundaries in this area will take a lot of pressure off. 

For example, you can alternate days, Monday-Friday. Take a weekend day off, and on the other weekend day, you go together. Or maybe it’s less than that. Maybe you can commit to three days a week. Whatever it is, make a manageable schedule. You have a life outside of caring for your dad, and you don’t need to feel guilty about that. Because you can do both, but not all the time, every day. 

I am not surprised that you and your mom are struggling. 

You are both under immense pressure. And you both need to prioritize the time to take care of yourselves. I know you mentioned that you were having trouble accessing counseling. There are other ways for you to get some quick, free support. Twelve-Stepgroups, such as CoDA and Al-Anon, are helpful for learning how to set boundaries, especially with family members. 

I did a little searching online and found many online support groups and Facebook groupsthat offer peer support for caregivers. I highly recommend you explore these options, and I would share them with your mom, as well. Don’t underestimate how helpful they can be. 

When it comes to your siblings, you have no control over their actions; you only have control over yours. 

They may never help out; they may not offer you or your mom or your father the type or level of support you need. Managing expectations around family members is essential. It can be so easy to fall into the trap of focusing on who we wish our sibling or parent is, rather than who they are. Accepting that will relieve you of that constant frustration and prevent you from looking to them for things you will never get from them. Repeatedly confronting them will end in you feeling emotionally exhausted. 

The good news is that it sounds like you have fantastic support from your chosen family. 

So many of us find what we need in a “family” from the people we choose to have in our life. Real family often has little to do with biology. Allow yourself to lean into the family that is there. Focus on the new life you are creating with your fiancé.

Lastly, make room in your life for other types of self-care. 

In addition to seeking out some support groups, allow yourself the time to take actions that take care of you. That may mean a hike or a yoga class or a movie or a book and a comfy chair. Schedule that time for yourself as you would the time you spend at work and with your dad. 

You can get through this without feeling angry and overwhelmed. You need to adjust your expectations and set those boundaries. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Fluorite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: How Can I Set Boundaries With My Online Friend?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I have a new online friendship with Ellie (not her real name). Ellie has a lot going on in her life, more than most. She's a full-time caregiver, and she also has mental health issues with anxiety and depression. 

She's not the only friend I have with these issues, and she won't be the last. This is the bit where I am a bitch. I will never say no to her sounding off. She has a lot of stress. But I don't want to spend an entire weekend validating her, reassuring her again and again and again. 

It can last for days sometimes. If I don't respond immediately, she sulks and lashes out. Then I get the apologies, and it all starts all over again. 

I can't seem to get through to her that I have a family and a full-time job; I can't simply just drop everything. 

And frankly, even if I didn't have all that, sometimes I just don't want to.

But it appears that I'm it. She doesn't have much of a life due to her caring responsibilities. She finds it difficult to make friends. 

I am not a therapist. 

I am not equipped for this  — but I can't cut her off because everyone needs someone.

What do I do?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: My Friend Always Has To Get Her Way

A.

I understand your tough position. My entire life, even when I was a complete wreck, friends and acquaintances came to me for advice. 

I know what it feels like to be the one person someone may be turning to for support, an ear, help.

And that can be exhausting.

Now, with my weekly Ask Erin column, I receive more than 100 emails a week from strangers needing help. I have often felt the pressure and responsibility that comes with that. But I can’t help everyone. I answer one question per week in the column, occasionally more questions in Facebook and Instagram lives, and am working on some other ways to answer a greater number of questions. 

I am only one person, and you said something that rings as true for me as it does for you. “I am not a therapist.” 

You are not a therapist; it is not your job to fix your friend’s life.

That said, you want to be there for her within reason. But your need to consider your family, your job, and your wellbeing ahead of hers is not akin to you being a bitch. That’s called taking care of yourself. Without doing that, you can’t truly be of service to anyone else.

So how do you handle this? How can you “be there” for a friend without drowning in her drama, however unfortunate her situation may be? In a word — boundaries. A word we are all familiar with but not always adept at implementing. 

Why do we have a hard time with boundaries? Many of us, especially women, were raised to be people-pleasers and caregivers. It can take a decent amount of undoing learned behavior. If you set a boundary, you are not a bitch. Nor are you responsible for her reaction to that boundary. I have said this before when discussing boundary-setting and it rings true here too…

PLEASE, don’t ever apologize for asking someone else to respect your boundary.

You can set that boundary with compassion and kindness. Something along the lines of: “I know you are really struggling, and I wish there were more that I could do, but I need to take care of my family and responsibilities right now.” 

If she sulks and lashes out, ignore it. If she then comes back with apologies, you can set a new boundary. Something along the lines of, “I understand that you get disappointed when I can’t be there for you in the way that you want me to, but I can’t accept this pattern of lashing out at me and apologizing repeatedly. It’s not healthy for either one of us. If you can’t respect that, I can’t be in your life. I care for you and want to be your friend, but I don’t want us to be stuck in an unhealthy   cycle.” 

If you don’t set those boundaries, you will need up resenting her. Plus, you’re not helping her by not setting limits. 

Lastly, if this seems like a pattern for you with friends, you should address this issue in therapy or a support group like CoDA or Al-Anon. 

Get those boundaries up!

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Citrine, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I'm Scared I'll Be A Virgin The Rest Of My Life

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

Like one of your followers who recently wrote you a letter, I’ve just turned 23 in January, and I’m still a virgin, which I believe is completely unacceptable in western society. I’ve tried so f**king hard to find a girlfriend and to no avail. I can’t find one. I don’t think I’m that good looking, even though people say I am. 

It just consumes me, and I can’t stop thinking about it. And I’m tired of thinking about it. 

I’ve tried everything to meet women.

I’ve tried taking classes, signing up for co-ed sports leagues, etc., but as usual, they are always filled with people my parents’ age in these activities — nobody my age. 

I’ve tried online dating as well. That doesn’t work. It always seems women I’m attracted to don’t like me back, and women I don’t find attractive like me. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have no confidence in myself, and I don’t know what else to do. 

I honestly believe I am going to be alone and a virgin for the rest of my life. 

I’m jealous of my siblings, who are in relationships and live together. I don’t know if my standards are too high or what. 

What else can I do?

You Might Also Like: When Did You Lose Your Virginity? WHO CARES?

A.

I really get your frustration. I know it feels like you are the last virgin standing. But I promise that is not the case. I have many friends — of all genders — who did not lose their virginity and/or have a relationship until they were in their 20s. And although it may feel like you are all alone, you are not. 

People are waiting longer than they did in the previous generation. One in eight people are still virgins at age 26. Beyond the topic of your virginity, it’s important to unpack what’s at the core here. 

This less about sex and more about the desire for intimacy. 

And that intimacy is not just physical, but emotional too. Physical intimacy is much easier to come by, but emotional intimacy is much more rewarding.

You mentioned that you are worried that you are not good-looking enough or that the women you are attracted to are not attracted to you. “Good looks” are completely subjective. Although you’ve not been feeling super confident, I am certain that there are plenty of women out there who will find you attractive. 

You mentioned that you’ve “tried everything” to meet women. I am curious if the classes and co-ed sports leagues you mentioned are genuine interests of yours, or if you tried them with the sole interest of meeting women.

One of the best ways to meet people we might be compatible with is by participating in activities that we naturally gravitate toward. 

For example, if you always wanted to learn how to surf, take surfing lessons. If you love art, take yourself on a gallery tour. If your favorite writer has an upcoming reading, go to that reading. 

The point is that when we relax and do things we like, we are far more likely to attract people, and the bonus is that we will likely have shared interests with them. Plus, you will take the focus off of meeting someone and put the emphasis on enjoying your life. 

Picking activities that make you happy will naturally boost your confidence. That boost in confidence will make a world of difference in how you feel around women and how you come across. 

Whether or not your standards are too high, I do not know. You’ll need to figure out if you are dismissing possible dates for superficial reasons or if you know what you want and need in a potential partner. But I do know this…

Being a virgin and lacking relationship experience does not mean that something is wrong with you. 

You are so young. You have a lifetime ahead of you, one in which you will likely have plenty of dating experiences. I don’t believe you will be alone forever. Lastly, I want you to work on being kind to yourself. Finding some meditation practice would be beneficial. And speaking with a therapist  — about your distress over the situation and feelings of jealousy toward your siblings — could really help, too. Maybe it’s as simple as letting yourself spend an afternoon doing what you love — hiking, reading, napping, or whatever it may be.

Go easy on yourself. It will happen. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Tinaksite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

This article first appeared on Ravishly.