*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Dear Erin,
Oh, I’m so grateful for just discovering you. It’s a relief to read the thoughts and feelings of a fellow ex opiate user.
I’ve been free of opiates for 12 years now. I have come a long way.
Much of it I have put behind me, so my question for you is: How do I deal with the long term guilt I am always carrying on my back?
Blessings and warmest regards,
M
A.
Dear M,
Congratulations on 12 years of being opiate-free! And you said it—you have come a long way.
Guilt is something that many struggle with, particularly if our past selves have contributed to the shame we feel. When I read your question, I understood. But I also wondered if it was guilt you continued to feel or shame.
Shame and guilt are cousins, not twins.
Guilt is generally something we feel about a specific incident or harm we caused (or think we caused). Shame is the distress we feel over who we are or believe ourselves to be. Anyone who used substances for any length of time is likely to struggle with both guilt and shame. And unfortunately, they can perpetuate a cycle of relapse that can quickly snowball as we accumulate more and more shame.
Sure, most people who spent time struggling with substance abuse have things that they feel guilty about, and that’s reasonable. We can make amends and move forward. But the funny thing about guilt is that it is sometimes connected to perceived harm. Often the guilt is rooted in other emotions. I once had a therapist tell me that all my guilt was unexpressed anger. He was right.
I took all the unexpressed anger I’d carried from childhood and turned it into—something is wrong with ME.
At a certain point, I wondered why I was still carrying guilt and shame for things that I did five, ten, twenty years ago. As I began to write about my past with transparency, facing parts of myself, parts of my story, that I had spent so many years desperately trying to conceal when I was using, it dawned on me.
Because it was part of the belief system I had created about myself. Who was I without the guilt and shame? I needed to find out, and it was not something that happened overnight. I needed talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, psychiatric care, and active investment in a spiritual life. After nearly 18 years in recovery, I am still, and always will be, a work in progress—mentally, spiritually, and physically.
The difference now is that I am in acceptance of who I was and who I have become. I am not perfect. I never will be. And I don’t need to feel guilty about that. I am not willing to carry that shame any longer. If someone else wants me to continue to feel shame for my past, they can carry it. It’s all theirs. I discovered that being in recovery, doing my best to reduce stigma and shame by telling my story, and contributing positively to individuals and communities, I was past making amends; I was living amends.
That’s what you are doing now. If you have made amends, to the best of your ability, to people you may have harmed, then that guilt and shame are no longer yours to carry.
Perhaps there is one person left to make amends to—yourself.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Chalcopyrite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now!
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*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez