She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
I have been following your story for the last few weeks. I have just finished your memoir Strung Out, and it really resonated with me. I don’t know if you’re going to read this, but I really don’t know what else to do.
I, myself, am not an addict, but my ex-boyfriend is. The reason I am emailing you is simply for advice. We moved in together last year, and he relapsed a month later. He is addicted to heroin.
I stuck by him through his lows and highs and can’t seem to want to let him go.
He’s gone to two different rehabs since that relapse, and it seems like his last visit to rehab and getting clean is working well for him. He lives in a halfway house now, has a sponsor, and seems to be on the right path. At this point, he has almost six months sober.
Almost a month ago, he ended the relationship. I don’t want it to be over. All I’ve wanted for him was to be successful in his sobriety and to be well. I want to be there for him no matter what. I feel like he is pushing me away because he doesn’t feel worthy of being loved. We’ve had a relationship since 2018, and I love him very much.
Do I keep trying to reach out to him and assure him I’m not going anywhere?
I’m more than willing to wait, and I just want him to know that. What should I do?
I hope you read this and respond. I’ve never felt more helpless.
Thanks for your time, and I hope you have a good day.
A.
Getting off of heroin is the easy part (and it’s not that easy). Staying off heroin is much, much harder.
This may be difficult to hear or understand—more often than not, the relationships we have in active addiction are unhealthy.
I speak from personal experience here. That is not to blame you. But it’s important to recognize that there were dynamics in your relationship that facilitated or triggered his addiction.
When I was in my years of active addiction, relationships were a HUGE trigger for me. Getting close to another person, sharing emotional intimacy compelled me to escape again and again. And the relationships that lasted, romantic or otherwise, developed toxic dynamics, mainly because of my behavior.
Every relationship I had while using drugs relied on my partner’s codependency.
What you said may be true, that your ex doesn’t feel worthy of being loved. However, simultaneously, what may be true is that he knows he is not capable of having a romantic relationship right now.
Take the energy that you’ve been driven to put toward him and turn it inward, toward you, toward your healing, because I promise there’s some healing there for you to do, too. You may find it helpful to work through these feelings with a therapist, speaking with trusted friends, or within a support group, such as Al-Anon or Coda.
The relationship you had is broken. There is not a sane path to going back and reclaiming it. This is not to say that relationships cannot be rebuilt, but they become something different, something far healthier when they are. I cannot tell you if it’s possible to start again, but I know that letting him go is the way forward.
Letting go is painful, but hanging on to what no longer exists is far more painful.
You know that you can’t fix this for him. So give him the space for his recovery and make space for your own. You can tell him that you are there if he needs a friend. Don’t put pressure on him by telling him you will wait. Allow him to do this on whatever timetable he needs and without the expectation that he will come back to you.
You may feel hopeless today, but hope persists. Let the hope be that you and your ex find happiness and peace, and recovery that exists without your relationship. I do believe if it’s meant to be, you will find your way back to one another. And if you don’t, you will be okay, you will love again, and you will be happy that you didn’t hang. Trying to stay attached is what's bringing you pain. Let him go.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Rhodizite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called Strung Out: A Memoir of Overcoming Addiction, and it’s on sale now! Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO
*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez