bisexual — Erin Khar

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I’m confused.

I've been with my boyfriend for two years, and I love him, but I'm not sure if it's love-love or how I love my dog.

Recently, I've come out as bisexual (mainly just to close friends and some family). My boyfriend introduced me to a girl because he thought we were similar. She is really interesting and fun to talk to, and I've started to like her (I've never met her IRL), and she likes me too.

I dumped my boyfriend, but then I changed my mind and got back with my boyfriend. Then I dumped him again and got back together with him again (I'm a terrible person I know).

I know that if I stay with my boyfriend, I'll be happy, and I could see myself staying with him forever, but I keep questioning my sexuality and thinking about this girl.

I don't know if it's just a crush, and if I want it because it's all so new and different. I'm really struggling, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to make anyone unhappy, and I can't put my boyfriend through basically a fifth breakup.

It's just a big decision to make, and I want someone else to make it for me, haha. It's gotten really draining and gets me so down. I hate making people unhappy, and I don't want to hurt either of them. :(

A.

I get dozens of similar questions each month, usually in similar situations where they care for and often love their current partner, but are struggling to come to terms with their sexuality and possible feelings for someone else. I understand how hard it can be to let go of what you know. The future with this girl or with anyone else is a question mark. But there is something abundantly clear.

You should end the relationship with your boyfriend, in the best interest of both of you.

Whether you are wavering because you are coming to terms with your sexuality or because he is not the right person for you is irrelevant. I have seen very few relationships last or not devolve into unhealthy patterns when there is so much breaking up and getting back together.

You know, in your heart, what you should do, but it’s scary. I get that. Imagine being in a relationship in which you didn’t feel conflicted all the time, one in which you were sure of your feelings. For your boyfriend, letting him go allows him to find someone who is sure of their feelings. This current situation is not healthy for anyone.

It’s not about this specific girl. It’s about wanting to explore other relationships.

And that’s exactly what you should do. It’s a healthier decision. I promise that the thought of making a clean break is a lot scarier than actually doing it. You need the freedom to discover what you want and where you feel comfortable with your sexuality.

Lastly, as you venture into this new chapter in your life, I want to make sure that you feel well-supported. Certainly, if you have friends and family members you feel safe sharing with, please do. But beyond that, it would help to process what you’re going through with a therapist and, even more importantly, with someone who has been there—someone who has gone through coming out as bisexual and exploring new relationships. The Trevor Project lists the following resources which looks like an excellent place to begin connecting with others and get some support.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Aquamarine, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now!

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*This column first appeared on Ravishly

Hi Erin,

I’m dating a guy, but I like a girl.

I recently got back together with my ex-boyfriend, who has also been my best friend for a very long time. Last time we were dating, I broke up with him because I was questioning my sexuality (which I didn't tell him), and I came out as bisexual to some of my other closest friends (not my boyfriend).

He and I got back together about a month ago, and I was the one who initiated the relationship. I don't know why I did it. I really do like him, but I think it may have just been an excuse for me not to have to face the reality of my sexuality.

One of my friends is also bisexual, and I have been talking to her a lot about coming to terms with this. We were driving home about a week ago, and I realized that I like her. I've liked her since I met her over the summer. I don't think she likes me, though, because she has other relationship stuff going on — but I still like her.

I feel really awful about this because I'm dating a guy who I don't think I feel sexually attracted to anymore. But breaking up with him for a second time would ruin our entire relationship — something that I don't think we'd be able to recover from. Then again, I feel like I need to explore my sexuality because I haven't felt sexually attracted to men for a while.

I know that this seems very odd and is an awkward situation, but do you have any advice for my dilemma?

Oh, my dear, this may feel awkward — but your situation is not all that odd. I’ve had many friends who were in similar situations as they were coming to terms with their sexuality.

Don’t feel guilty about your sexuality and the confusion you’ve had around it.

From what I have known, that is a regular part of the process. And yes, you got back together with him (probably subconsciously) because you were afraid of facing the implications of your sexuality.

You need to break up with him, as soon as possible. It’s not fair to him or you to pretend that you’re in this when you’re really not; you’re just biding your time. You mentioned that you were afraid of ruining your entire relationship, but prolonging this is going to do far more damage. He might not be ready to be your friend now (or ever), but that’s not a reason to stay. I would bet that with some time, you can have a friendship with him, but that shouldn’t be the driving factor here.

The kinder thing to do is let him go.

Now, as for your friend, the girl, she may just be the catalyst for your sexual awakening. If you do have feelings for her, you could certainly tell her, but break up with your boyfriend first and get a little time and space from that relationship.

Be prepared that your feelings may not be reciprocated. However, it sounds like she is someone you can confide in and relate to — someone who can be there for you as you face the reality of your sexuality.

Lastly, lean on friends and family you can trust as you go through this process. There are so many resources available online, as well. I’ve listed a couple below. If you need any other resources, don’t hesitate to reach out again. Now, end things with the boyfriend gently and with love, and explore who you are and what you want in a partner. XOXO