CN: Rape
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
This is hard to write.
Recently, I did the worst thing I’ve ever done, and I don’t think I can forgive myself.
I used to date this person, and, for the past few months, when we have seen each other, we have gotten drunk and made out, and that's it. But the other day they invited me to stay at their place after we had been drinking with a friend. We had made out at this point. I don’t remember things clearly, but the next day they said they didn’t remember anything at all, really.
I think I assaulted them.
They keep reassuring me that they are fine, but I feel like I know that’s a trauma response. I don’t think I can live with the guilt. I’ve offered to go to the police with them or pay for therapy or both, but they told me they are fine, and they still trust me.
I feel awful, and it’s tearing me apart. I don’t know what to do.
Maybe I should just leave them alone until they have come to terms with things.
A.
In the past few years, I’ve received countless emails from people (mostly women) who wonder if they have been assaulted or raped. That’s indicative of the ways we have been conditioned around consent or rather conditioned out of consent. That tide has begun to shift, even though it has a long way to go.
In addition to those emails, I have received a surprising number of emails from folks (mostly men) who are beginning to reckon with their behavior, beginning to see how they have blown through boundaries, ignored consent, and in some cases, committed sex crimes. It’s a good thing that people are becoming willing to evaluate their behavior.
I think you’re feeling this guilt because you know that even if you don’t remember the events clearly, you did something wrong. Recognizing this and apologizing is the first step. And you’ve done that. But I want to be clear about something.
Those feelings of guilt and torment don’t absolve you of your actions.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s good that you feel bad about this. If you didn’t, that would be sociopathic. But let’s move past your feelings.
Your friend says they don’t remember anything; they don’t want to go to the police or have you pay for therapy and still trust you. You need to respect that. Yes, that could be a trauma response. I have been there. I have been the one who minimized what a “friend” did to me without my consent because I was not ready to accept what had happened. I didn’t want to believe it.
Right now, all you need to know is that this process should be on their terms. So yes, leave it alone. If they want to talk to you, talk to them. If they don’t want to talk to you, don’t harass them, even with continuous apologies.
Don’t push your plans of restitution or amends for the sake of alleviating your own guilt.
No matter how well-intentioned you may be, let them decide for themselves. Now, you should be paying for therapy, immediately— your therapy. Why? Because the best way to make amends is to change what you actually can, which is your behavior. I urge you to do this.
Also, if you are blacking out when you drink and/or behaving in scary ways, ways you wouldn’t when sober, then I think you need to take a look at your relationship with alcohol.
What role has alcohol played in this?
Whatever that role is, it doesn’t let you off the hook. But I’d venture to guess that this isn’t the only incident where you’ve woken up remorseful about the drunken night before. Imagine how the night would have gone without alcohol. At the very least, you would be sure of what transpired.
Lastly, I want to end this on a hopeful note, because emails like yours do make me feel hopeful. These are hard and very necessary conversations we need to keep having if anything is to change. I believe that you want to and can change; that’s why you wrote to me.
*If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, please seek help. You can chat live now online or by phone at 1-800-656-HOPE, through the Sexual Assault Hotline. It is free and confidential. If anyone needs region-specific resources, RAINN has a page where you can find centers near you, or you can email me.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Dumortierite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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Original Art by Tess Emily Rodriguez.
