Ask Erin: My Partner's Father Hates Me

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

So this one's a little complicated, and I’m not really sure how to explain it without it sounding insane.

My partner and I have been together on and off since we were teenagers, which is now well over half a decade. I love him, and I think that where we are now, I’m probably going to end up with him permanently. This terrifies me.

The main problem is that his father hates me. 

He is a very controlling man and tried to split us up last year. This included a personal assassination detailing every aspect of my personality, family and background that makes me not good enough for his son before sending a concluding text message declaring my relationship with his son over and threats if I tried to get back in contact with him. 

All of this just resulted in lots of heartbreak and stress, disrupting both of our studies at university, us getting back together and dating in secret for some months, and me now suffering from anxiety. 

It all happened a year ago now, and my partner’s family have known we got back together for a number of months. However, I am banned from the family home, and I have had no contact with them since (despite having been good friends with my partner’s sisters before having even met my partner).

My partner and I are now planning on moving in together in the summer when we graduate. I feel like this is really the turning point at which there’s no going back, and I’ll end up married to him, which actually would be something that I think I might want, but I am scared that it will all be a horrible mistake.

I am scared that my partner’s father will always hate me and that one day my partner will resent me for causing him to be distant from his family. 

I am terrified that his family will decide they want to reconnect and will just expect me to pretend that nothing ever happened and try to influence our lives. 

I am scared that I have never really been with many other people in my life or explored much, and that maybe us having to fight to be together has meant us sticking with each other rather than coming to an end on our own and doing other things (how many people end up with the people they dated in school anymore?). 

I am scared of the future and how much this nasty relationship with my partner’s father will cause problems going ahead. I don’t know what to do or if moving in together is even a good idea. Any advice you have would be really helpful.

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A.

This is a challenging situation. Having a long-term partnership with someone whose family is at odds with you is complicated at best. I can understand your hesitation. 

You don’t want him to resent you, nor do you want to have to grin and bear it around people who have treated you so poorly. 

Before (BEFORE) you move in together, I strongly suggest the two of you speak to a therapist about the situation. You are young, you are dealing with familial relationships that sound pretty toxic, and they were probably that way long before you were in the picture. 

You didn’t mention how your partner handles this. You are banned from their home. Does your partner see them without you? Has he taken a stand? The two of you need to establish a united position in dealing with his family BEFORE you move in together. 

But there’s something else that struck me about your email. You mentioned another fear you have regarding this relationship. You noted how young you are, how you haven’t had much, if any, experience outside of this relationship, and questioned if the fight to stay together is what has kept you together. You’ve hit on something there. You need to evaluate your other very valid concerns about this relationship. 

Your fears have consolidated on this one issue — and it’s a big one — but your hesitance is really about a whole lot more. 

I was young once, too. Relationships when you’re young, particularly when they started in high school and continued into adulthood, can feel like they are meant to last forever. 

It’s important to acknowledge that sometimes we outgrow relationships. 

And that’s okay. That’s normal. The only people who can figure this out are you and your partner. My gut tells me that there lies the issue behind the issue. 

First and foremost, I urge you and your partner to speak with a therapist. It’s going to be necessary, if you move forward together, to have some objective guidance, particularly in setting boundaries. 

Lastly, please know that his father’s feelings toward you have less to do with you and more to do with his own crap. And that’s family baggage you are not required to take on.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Magnesite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

* This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I'm Going Through A Breakup With An STD Diagnosis

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hello Erin,

I was recently dating a girl for three months. Things were going really well, and we had fallen for each other after two months. 

I met her friends and family — parents, brother (and his wife and kids) for lunch. They liked me, and it all went very well. We went for overnight trips, and I was invited to Christmas at her parents. 

In mid-November, she told me she had an incurable STD. She was not taking any medications and had not told me upfront about it to practice safe sex. When she told me, I was supportive, and we went to some STD counseling to see how to keep myself safe. After the counseling, I got the symptoms and I was diagnosed with the same STD. 

Two days after my diagnosis, she broke things off with me. Then she ghosted me  — basically ignored me and told me to figure my life out by myself. 

Now I had a serious emotional setback along with an incurable STD. 

It’s been more than six months. I confronted her multiple times, just to be shut down. I think I should confront her parents about this. She is 34 years old, educated, and has a good job. How could she do this? 

What shall I do? I really like her.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Have Safer Sex With A Partner Who Has Herpes?

A.

I understand how this would be very upsetting. As you said, it was a double whammy with the STD diagnosis followed by a breakup and ghosting. 

She should have informed you of her STI status from the start. 

It’s wrong that she did not. She took away your decision-making process around how you practiced safe sex. And safe sex can be practiced when one partner is STI+. 

Do not confront her parents. What’s your motivation there? She is 34 years old. Are you hoping to shame her or get her “in trouble” with her parents? That’s not productive. And it certainly will NOT drive her back into your arms. 

Should she have been direct in communicating with you about her STD and the breakup? YES. Look at this way: she has shown you how she handles herself when a problem comes up. She avoids. This is not a quality you want in a romantic partner. Trust me on this. I was an avoider. And I was an awful girlfriend in my avoidance years. 


No matter how wrong she has been in handling this situation, it’s time to move on. 

It has been over six months. You need to let go of that past and look forward. And I suggest that before you start dating again, you get some counseling, to deal with these unresolved feelings and to better prepare yourself with communication in your next relationship. 

Don’t handle your STI+ status the way she did.

Educate yourself so you can better educate future partners. Planned Parenthood put together this handy video on how to handle this…

You will be able to get over this last relationship and move forward. Why wait? She is not worth you waiting around, stewing, or plotting ill-advised revenge. Let that sh*t go. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Heliodor, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I'm Scared About Coming Out As Transgender Later In Life

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I am faced with a decision, and for the life of me, I am unable to make a choice. I am wondering if you could give me your two cents worth? 

I am transgender — MtF — and 59 years old. 

I was diagnosed with this as a medical problem 15 years ago, but things were different in society then, and I hid in the closet. Now, things are better, but still, the Trans community faces a lot of backlash from others. 

My primary concern is that even if I have all the necessary procedures and surgeries, will I be accepted into the club as a woman? 

If not, then I don't think I can handle the rejection because then I will truly be alone. I know I shouldn't care, and if I were in my 30s, I wouldn’t. It would be a lot easier to make new friends if I was younger, but at my age, it's not as clear cut. 

Thanks for your input.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Thoughtfully Navigate My Feelings For A Trans Man?

A.

First, I want to say that I am so sorry that you have felt you needed to hide your true gender for all of these years. And I am so sorry that you are feeling so alone. Indeed, the focus has tended toward younger people who are in various stages of being out with their gender or transitioning. But the number of older folks coming out with their gender or transitioning is rising. 

Although I can’t decide what is right for you, I can answer your quandary the best I know how. 

I believe that you will be happiest in living as the person you truly are. 

I can imagine how scary that feels, to risk losing people you may have in your life now, to not know if you will be able to find a community with which to connect. But I believe in my heart that you will be happier and that you don’t have to go through this alone. 

The transgender community indeed faces further marginalization, even among other LGBT folks. But, as you pointed out, that has mostly changed. 

Will you be accepted into the "woman club?" By me, yes. 

By most people I know, yes. By the people in your everyday life, I don’t know. But I do know that if the people in your life, or anyone you should meet in the future, does not accept you, they are unworthy of having you in their life. 

I know that the lack of acceptance from some could potentially feel like a rejection. But I believe the risk is worth it. And I believe you will be happier. And I believe you will find your community. 

There is support available. In doing a little digging online, I found quite a few organizations in the US and the UK that provide a variety of resources and can even connect you with peers. If you live in a metropolitan area, there is likely to be more IRL support, but there are organizations in place that aim to connect with transgender folks who live in more isolated areas as well. 

Some examples of where to find support as an older transgender person: 

• Association of Transgender Professionals

• Facebook Transgender Support Groups

• Forge Forward

• Lavender Seniors

• National Center for Transgender Equality

• SAGE

• Susan’s Place

• Trans Mentors International

• Transgender Pulse

• Transgender Support (UK)

Additional reading on transitioning later in  life:

• Next Avenue

• The Guardian

• Buzzfeed

As I stated above, I believe that you will be happier living as who you are. And as scary as it feels to make new friends at the stage in your life, I am confident you can. Please stay in touch, let me know how you’re doing, and if I can be of any assistance in helping you find local resources, don’t hesitate to reach out. 

XOXO

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Danburite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly

Ask Erin: Am I In An Emotionally Abusive Marriage?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

Am I in an emotionally abusive marriage? 

My husband and I have been together for 14 years, and we have three children together. 

Recently, we got into a really silly fight in regards to the color of my hair. He has been pressuring me for years to go super blonde, but my hair is very dark, and it just doesn't go the shade that he wants. I ended up dyeing my hair again, over the failure that was my attempt to go blonde, and went back to my natural hair color. 

He had a massive meltdown about it. He told me I was selfish, that I never let him have anything he wants etc. We ended up sitting down and talking the next day, and I told him that him asking me to change my appearance all the time (dye my hair blonde, get Brazilian waxes) makes me feel very insecure like I'm not good enough for him, and he apologized. 

A few days later, he left a pornographic video up on the computer for me to find that had hot blonde in the subject bar. He also left the "used towel" behind for me to pick up. 

This isn't the first time he's done something like this. 

Every time he does it, I'm the one who ends up crying and apologizing to him for not being a "proper wife" and taking care of his needs the way I should. 

I'm just so confused right now. It's really messing with my head, and I don't know what to do. I think I want to leave but I can't. Honestly, I don't think I have the strength to leave him. 

I'm not the same person I was before I met him. I have no family or friends that I can go to, nobody I can talk to about this. I don't drive and financially, I rely on him for everything. 

I just feel... so broken right now.

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A.

I want to get straight to the answer here. 

Your husband’s behavior is emotionally abusive. 

Emotional abuse can be defined as "any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth.” 

There is no universe in which it is okay for a partner to berate you and continuously be demanding or pressuring you to change your physical appearance. Further, you have recognized that this a pattern with him. That he does things that make you feel horrible, like leaving the porn and used towel for you to find, and then turns it back on you. 

Please know that saying and doing harmful things and then making you feel like it’s your fault is textbook gaslighting.

He is gaslighting you. 

That you feel confused is a byproduct of all that gaslighting. I was once in a relationship with a man who lied and cheated repeatedly, and every time my suspicions were aroused, he would twist things around and make me doubt my intuition, made me think I was “crazy.” 

I understand that getting out of this situation feels impossible, but it is not. 

Approach this one step at a time. I am not sure where you live, but there are resources available locally in many places. In the United States, the resources page on the National Domestic Violence Hotline site is a good place to start. There are a variety of resources available in the UK as well. If you email me, I can point you in the right direction to start. 

Start getting a safety plan in order. A safety plan is a strategy for you to exit an abusive relationship safely. This may sound dramatic, but even in relationships where the abuse is strictly emotional/psychological/financial, an abuser can make things worse if they discover you are trying to leave. 

There’s another critical point I want to make. Seeing as you have children, I feel it is even more imperative that you start making a plan to get out. 

We model relationships for our children, and I am sure that you don’t want your children to grow up and be in relationships like this one — as either the victim or abuser. 

I know this is scary, but you can get out. There is a path to finding some financial independence for yourself. You are not broken. But you will need to reach out for help — from an organization like the ones I linked above — and you will need to start creating a support system for yourself. I know you mentioned you had no family or friends to turn to. Attempt to deepen a more casual friendship with someone who you believe is trustworthy and seek some guidance in a local support group. 

And please, do email me again for some region-specific resources. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Blue Calcite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Resent My Family

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I have a lot of resentment towards my family.

This sounds like a common problem, but until the past two years, I'd always been very close to my family. However, my dad (who I was super close with) got seriously chronically ill, and everything changed.

My siblings basically have done nothing. 

They don't visit or help with medical decisions. Meanwhile, I see him every day. 

My mother and I have developed a toxic codependency because we are the only two who are there for him. By that, I mean that if I don't visit him, she's mad and if she doesn't go, I'm mad. 

Meanwhile, I’ve watched him nearly die probably six times over the past two years. During the past year, I went through some major emotional and mental health issues triggered by my relationship, life-changing information about someone close to me, and the stress of my dad. 

I feel as though I had no support or leniency from them during this time. Recently, I got engaged, and none of them said or did anything, while my friends celebrated it. Every time I try to confront them, I feel like a selfish jerk, or it quickly escalates too far into them making me feel guilty. 

What do I do about this? 

Cutting them off feels extreme, but I feel totally alone and like I'm in a one-sided situation with them. 

I've sought counseling, but it's either a) expensive b) doesn't work around an office job or b) waitlisted. 

I'm so sad, and life has lost all joy for me. I don't know how to proceed.

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A.

I can understand why you feel so frustrated. You are dealing with an extremely stressful ongoing situation with your father’s illness. And this is amplified by the fact that you and your mom are in caregiving roles, while your siblings are not. 

There are three main components here that need to be addressed — setting boundaries, managing expectations, and prioritizing self-care. 

The first thing I want you to consider is that you can set boundaries for how much you can give right now. It’s terrific that you have been there daily, but it’s not necessarily sustainable, for you or your mom. From your email, I have gathered that your dad is in a hospice or care facility. So he has some immediate physical care. It is okay to scale back on your visits. Setting some boundaries in this area will take a lot of pressure off. 

For example, you can alternate days, Monday-Friday. Take a weekend day off, and on the other weekend day, you go together. Or maybe it’s less than that. Maybe you can commit to three days a week. Whatever it is, make a manageable schedule. You have a life outside of caring for your dad, and you don’t need to feel guilty about that. Because you can do both, but not all the time, every day. 

I am not surprised that you and your mom are struggling. 

You are both under immense pressure. And you both need to prioritize the time to take care of yourselves. I know you mentioned that you were having trouble accessing counseling. There are other ways for you to get some quick, free support. Twelve-Stepgroups, such as CoDA and Al-Anon, are helpful for learning how to set boundaries, especially with family members. 

I did a little searching online and found many online support groups and Facebook groupsthat offer peer support for caregivers. I highly recommend you explore these options, and I would share them with your mom, as well. Don’t underestimate how helpful they can be. 

When it comes to your siblings, you have no control over their actions; you only have control over yours. 

They may never help out; they may not offer you or your mom or your father the type or level of support you need. Managing expectations around family members is essential. It can be so easy to fall into the trap of focusing on who we wish our sibling or parent is, rather than who they are. Accepting that will relieve you of that constant frustration and prevent you from looking to them for things you will never get from them. Repeatedly confronting them will end in you feeling emotionally exhausted. 

The good news is that it sounds like you have fantastic support from your chosen family. 

So many of us find what we need in a “family” from the people we choose to have in our life. Real family often has little to do with biology. Allow yourself to lean into the family that is there. Focus on the new life you are creating with your fiancé.

Lastly, make room in your life for other types of self-care. 

In addition to seeking out some support groups, allow yourself the time to take actions that take care of you. That may mean a hike or a yoga class or a movie or a book and a comfy chair. Schedule that time for yourself as you would the time you spend at work and with your dad. 

You can get through this without feeling angry and overwhelmed. You need to adjust your expectations and set those boundaries. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Fluorite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: How Can I Set Boundaries With My Online Friend?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I have a new online friendship with Ellie (not her real name). Ellie has a lot going on in her life, more than most. She's a full-time caregiver, and she also has mental health issues with anxiety and depression. 

She's not the only friend I have with these issues, and she won't be the last. This is the bit where I am a bitch. I will never say no to her sounding off. She has a lot of stress. But I don't want to spend an entire weekend validating her, reassuring her again and again and again. 

It can last for days sometimes. If I don't respond immediately, she sulks and lashes out. Then I get the apologies, and it all starts all over again. 

I can't seem to get through to her that I have a family and a full-time job; I can't simply just drop everything. 

And frankly, even if I didn't have all that, sometimes I just don't want to.

But it appears that I'm it. She doesn't have much of a life due to her caring responsibilities. She finds it difficult to make friends. 

I am not a therapist. 

I am not equipped for this  — but I can't cut her off because everyone needs someone.

What do I do?

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A.

I understand your tough position. My entire life, even when I was a complete wreck, friends and acquaintances came to me for advice. 

I know what it feels like to be the one person someone may be turning to for support, an ear, help.

And that can be exhausting.

Now, with my weekly Ask Erin column, I receive more than 100 emails a week from strangers needing help. I have often felt the pressure and responsibility that comes with that. But I can’t help everyone. I answer one question per week in the column, occasionally more questions in Facebook and Instagram lives, and am working on some other ways to answer a greater number of questions. 

I am only one person, and you said something that rings as true for me as it does for you. “I am not a therapist.” 

You are not a therapist; it is not your job to fix your friend’s life.

That said, you want to be there for her within reason. But your need to consider your family, your job, and your wellbeing ahead of hers is not akin to you being a bitch. That’s called taking care of yourself. Without doing that, you can’t truly be of service to anyone else.

So how do you handle this? How can you “be there” for a friend without drowning in her drama, however unfortunate her situation may be? In a word — boundaries. A word we are all familiar with but not always adept at implementing. 

Why do we have a hard time with boundaries? Many of us, especially women, were raised to be people-pleasers and caregivers. It can take a decent amount of undoing learned behavior. If you set a boundary, you are not a bitch. Nor are you responsible for her reaction to that boundary. I have said this before when discussing boundary-setting and it rings true here too…

PLEASE, don’t ever apologize for asking someone else to respect your boundary.

You can set that boundary with compassion and kindness. Something along the lines of: “I know you are really struggling, and I wish there were more that I could do, but I need to take care of my family and responsibilities right now.” 

If she sulks and lashes out, ignore it. If she then comes back with apologies, you can set a new boundary. Something along the lines of, “I understand that you get disappointed when I can’t be there for you in the way that you want me to, but I can’t accept this pattern of lashing out at me and apologizing repeatedly. It’s not healthy for either one of us. If you can’t respect that, I can’t be in your life. I care for you and want to be your friend, but I don’t want us to be stuck in an unhealthy   cycle.” 

If you don’t set those boundaries, you will need up resenting her. Plus, you’re not helping her by not setting limits. 

Lastly, if this seems like a pattern for you with friends, you should address this issue in therapy or a support group like CoDA or Al-Anon. 

Get those boundaries up!

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Citrine, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I'm Scared I'll Be A Virgin The Rest Of My Life

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

Like one of your followers who recently wrote you a letter, I’ve just turned 23 in January, and I’m still a virgin, which I believe is completely unacceptable in western society. I’ve tried so f**king hard to find a girlfriend and to no avail. I can’t find one. I don’t think I’m that good looking, even though people say I am. 

It just consumes me, and I can’t stop thinking about it. And I’m tired of thinking about it. 

I’ve tried everything to meet women.

I’ve tried taking classes, signing up for co-ed sports leagues, etc., but as usual, they are always filled with people my parents’ age in these activities — nobody my age. 

I’ve tried online dating as well. That doesn’t work. It always seems women I’m attracted to don’t like me back, and women I don’t find attractive like me. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have no confidence in myself, and I don’t know what else to do. 

I honestly believe I am going to be alone and a virgin for the rest of my life. 

I’m jealous of my siblings, who are in relationships and live together. I don’t know if my standards are too high or what. 

What else can I do?

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A.

I really get your frustration. I know it feels like you are the last virgin standing. But I promise that is not the case. I have many friends — of all genders — who did not lose their virginity and/or have a relationship until they were in their 20s. And although it may feel like you are all alone, you are not. 

People are waiting longer than they did in the previous generation. One in eight people are still virgins at age 26. Beyond the topic of your virginity, it’s important to unpack what’s at the core here. 

This less about sex and more about the desire for intimacy. 

And that intimacy is not just physical, but emotional too. Physical intimacy is much easier to come by, but emotional intimacy is much more rewarding.

You mentioned that you are worried that you are not good-looking enough or that the women you are attracted to are not attracted to you. “Good looks” are completely subjective. Although you’ve not been feeling super confident, I am certain that there are plenty of women out there who will find you attractive. 

You mentioned that you’ve “tried everything” to meet women. I am curious if the classes and co-ed sports leagues you mentioned are genuine interests of yours, or if you tried them with the sole interest of meeting women.

One of the best ways to meet people we might be compatible with is by participating in activities that we naturally gravitate toward. 

For example, if you always wanted to learn how to surf, take surfing lessons. If you love art, take yourself on a gallery tour. If your favorite writer has an upcoming reading, go to that reading. 

The point is that when we relax and do things we like, we are far more likely to attract people, and the bonus is that we will likely have shared interests with them. Plus, you will take the focus off of meeting someone and put the emphasis on enjoying your life. 

Picking activities that make you happy will naturally boost your confidence. That boost in confidence will make a world of difference in how you feel around women and how you come across. 

Whether or not your standards are too high, I do not know. You’ll need to figure out if you are dismissing possible dates for superficial reasons or if you know what you want and need in a potential partner. But I do know this…

Being a virgin and lacking relationship experience does not mean that something is wrong with you. 

You are so young. You have a lifetime ahead of you, one in which you will likely have plenty of dating experiences. I don’t believe you will be alone forever. Lastly, I want you to work on being kind to yourself. Finding some meditation practice would be beneficial. And speaking with a therapist  — about your distress over the situation and feelings of jealousy toward your siblings — could really help, too. Maybe it’s as simple as letting yourself spend an afternoon doing what you love — hiking, reading, napping, or whatever it may be.

Go easy on yourself. It will happen. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Tinaksite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

This article first appeared on Ravishly.

My Fiancé Feels Like A Roommate

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

My boyfriend and I have been engaged for two years. 

I have some major issues in our relationship, which I have discussed with him on several occasions and told him I would not marry him if things stayed as they are.

He doesn't spend time with my family or friends, we don't spend time together one on one outside of watching television or movies at home, and we don't have sex. 

Our last conversation was me asking him what the underlying reason was for us not having sex was. He said that he shows physical love in other ways like rubbing my back (which is infrequent as well). 

I think he's a great person and I love him, but I don't believe I can marry him. I don't want to stop having sex, and I want someone to experience life with. I feel like I need to break up with him, but I'm afraid I'm making a mistake. Life is good, we're both very independent, and I have lots of freedom. I just feel like our love is more like family than passionate romantic love. 

I feel like he is a roommate. 

It's not that we don't kiss or have sweet moments, but it's not enough. 

Am I too hard on him? Is there something else I can do?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: My Partner Won't Celebrate My Birthday

A.

Often when people write to me about relationship problems — and whether they should stay or go — they already know the answer. But they need someone else to confirm it, to permit them to do what they know they want to do. 

In the opening of your email, instead of saying fiancé, you said you’d been engaged for two years to your boyfriend. The moment I read that, I knew that your heart is not all in here.And it’s okay that your heart is not all in. 

That you are questioning things is healthy because you don’t sound thrilled about the prospect of marrying this guy. 

In my life, I have spent a lot of time in almost right relationships (and some that were way wrong) because I kept playing the “but” game. But he’s a good guy. But I love him even though I’m miserable.

But sex isn’t that important.But no one is perfect.

And sure, there’s some truth in all of those buts. BUT, marriage is a big deal, or it should be, and you should feel like your needs are getting met by your future spouse. 

Don’t plan a future with someone who leaves you feeling unsatisfied and alone —  life is too damn short. 

When I met my husband, I had just come out of a long on-again/off-again relationship that wasn’t working because neither of us was getting what we needed in a relationship. Not because we were terrible people, but because our needs didn’t align so well. 

My relationship with my husband felt different from the beginning; it felt effortless. This is not to say that we have never argued or that things are always perfect, far from it. But, in general, on a daily basis, I am happy; I am satisfied in my relationship. And even more importantly, my marriage is the least stressful part of my life. And I believe that is how it should be. 

I know there is the common refrain that relationships take hard work, but I’ve never liked that line of thinking. 

Yes, in a longterm relationship, we think about the other person’s needs, we may compromise, we may need reminders to be present and giving and loving. But that is life with any profound relationship. 

You asked if you are too hard on him, if there’s something else you can do…

In the middle of the email, you answered your question when you said: “I think he's a great person and I love him, but I don't believe I can marry him.”

I don’t think you should marry him. I think you should allow both of you the opportunity to find a partner who is better suited to your needs. 

It can feel scary to let go of relationships, especially when we’ve come a long way with someone, but I believe you will both be happier moving on from each other.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Brookite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I Need Help With My Anger Issues

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Erin,

I am a big fan of your page, and all your advice is so good. Now I write to you in order to solve a problem.

I have anger issues. 

For me, getting angry is really easy, and to get out of anger is really difficult. 

This has brought me problems with all the people around me.

The problem is I have reasons to be angry. I have been a victim of physical, psychological, and sexual abuse. However, people don't see I’ve suffered injustice: they only see my rage. 

I try to explain, but people stop loving me, and I end up having to apologize for my anger, and I feel doubly victim: first for suffering injustice and second for having my feelings not validated and having to apologize for then, without receiving the validation I need.

What can I do?

 — Suffering Woman

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: I Need Help Expressing Anger After Sexual Abuse

A.

Dear Suffering Woman,

My heart goes out to you. 

I know firsthand how trauma can disrupt the ability to regulate emotions. 

As someone who grew up lacking coping skills, I didn’t learn how to handle my anger until I was well into adulthood. I had suppressed my trauma and anger for so long as a child and adolescent, that when it began to come out, it exploded and I couldn’t control it. 

It seems this is what has been happening with you as well. That rage is your body’s reaction to any perceived threat. That rage is a form of hypervigilance that is a method of survival.That rage is the aftermath of trauma. 

It’s not your fault that all this rage has come up, but it is your responsibility to get some help. 

Likely, the people who are on the receiving end of your anger now, do not deserve it. I know for me, I lashed out at people who didn’t deserve it. I frequently overreacted because I was furious with other people, people who’d hurt me a long time before. 

And I was so mad at myself. In some twisted way, I held myself responsible for my depression, for my PTSD from sexual abuse, because if I held the blame, I had some control. 

But I was out of control, much as you are out of control now. 

Reaching out to me is a wonderful first step.I encourage you to follow up with therapy.You didn’t mention in your email if you have had any therapy.But you need a safe space to process all of that abuse and be guided in learning tools that will help you regulate your emotions, rather than letting them control you.

The person your anger is hurting the most is you.

I cannot stress enough how vital it is that you get some professional help. Unchecked, these anger issues will continue to plague you for the rest of your life. No matter how kind the people are around you, no matter how many times your feelings are validated by others, until you work through the trauma and work to change your behavior, things will remain the same. 

You can be free from feeling this way all the time. You really can. But you can’t get there alone. 

In addition to therapy, there are many resources available online, as well as IRL in the form of support groups. If you email me, I can give you some leads in your area. 

Don’t lose heart. You can get to a place where you are no longer controlled by your anger. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Tiger’s Eye, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

My Fiancé Ghosted Me

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

My fiancé ghosted me.

We’ve known each other for 40 years. We just reconnected and became engaged. We talked and texted every day. 

He wrecked both of his cars. His mom fell and broke her hip. The last text I got was how much he loves me. 

I see he is on Facebook. Our status is still “engaged.” We have several hundred friends in common. It’s been four days. 

What do I do?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Why Is My Boyfriend Avoiding Me?

A.

Ouch. Being ghosted sucks. Being ghosted when you’re in an actual relationship is even worse. I’m sorry that he’s pulling this juvenile behavior. 

When a person ghosts someone, it’s generally because they are too cowardly to have an uncomfortable conversation. 

And it does sound like he’s avoiding you. Trying to decipher why is futile. 

I do have questions. You mentioned he wrecked both of his cars. Was this alcohol related?Reckless driving? The way you phrased it suggests that he’s been displaying some out of control or destructive behavior on his part. You also mentioned that his mother fell and broke her hip. I am assuming you mentioned all this to indicate that he may be under a lot of stress. 

Guess what? None of that excuses his behavior. 

It takes a whole 30 seconds to send someone a text. If he’s struggling, if he’s stressed, and he is in a place where he needs some space, he could tell you in a text that is simple as: “I’m really struggling with everything on my plate. I need a little space. This has nothing to do with you. I love you, and we’ll talk next week.”

Might you be worried or annoyed? Maybe. But that’s a whole lot better than floating in the great unknown. 

I don’t think you need to be in contact with your partner 24/7, but you are meant to marry this man, and he should be able and willing to at least keep you in the loop.

You want a spouse who has enough maturity to communicate with you. 

And he can’t be too young since you’ve known each other for 40 years!

This avoidance behavior is a huge red flag.Don’t kid yourself.He is a grown man behaving like an adolescent.

You asked what to do. This is what I think. Do not marry him. Not without some explanation and time to rebuild that trust. Let’s say he contacts you on day five and everything goes back to normal. That doesn’t erase the four days of a black hole in the communication department. 

Rather than waiting for him to decide when he’s going to resume communication, why don’t you think about what you want. 

Do you want a spouse who shows so little respect that he ghosts you for whatever reason for days a time? Would you want your sister or daughter or best friend to marry someone like this? 

No. You don’t. You wouldn’t. 

If he comes back and you want to move forward, I strongly suggest you delay the nuptials and get some premarital counseling. With the help of a therapist, you can clearly communicate with each other what your expectations are for this marriage, what you will and won’t put up with. 

Good luck and don’t forget to keep the focus on what you want and need rather than letting him control the situation.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Ulexite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I Think My Husband And Daughter Are Still Having An Affair

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

My oldest daughter is having an affair with my husband, her stepdad. 

This has been going on for years already. She had a baby, and at this point, I don’t really know if it's my husband's or her so-called ex-boyfriend. 

I found a picture on my husband's phone of her sending nude pictures to him. 

What can I do? Should I confront him? Should I confront her? Should I confront them both?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Can I Learn To Trust My Husband? 

 

A.

I wish I could say I’ve never received a question like this before. But I have. 

I have received some variation of the daughter-stepfather affair multiple times. 

I answered one a couple of years ago, and readers were shocked. But it seems it’s more common than we think. 

There is a lot to unpack here, and I have a lot of questions, but let’s get into some essential advice on handling this.

Let’s first start with the infidelity. Your husband has betrayed you. It is not clear to me whether or not you have confronted him in the past. You mentioned it’s been going on for years, but then ask if you should confront them. If you have yet to confront him, yes, tell him that you know, that you have evidence. 

But before you do anything, please, please, make an appointment with a therapist. 

You need someone outside of the situation who can help guide you through what will be a minefield of emotions, with both your husband and daughter. 

How you proceed with him, with some outside help, is going to be dependent on unknown factors. Did your daughter grow up with your husband as her stepfather? Did the affair start when she was an adult? If she lived with him as a minor, did he groom her for this? 

The next appointment you need to make is with a family law attorney. This is not as simple as my spouse had an affair-let’s go to counseling-I can forgive him. You need some guidance on getting out of this marriage, getting your finances in order, etc., so you can make get out. 

I don’t think it’s possible to repair your relationship with your husband after this level of betrayal. 

Because he hasn’t just fractured your marriage, he’s damaged your relationship with your daughter.So let’s talk about your daughter.Again, I really think that making a plan of action with a therapist is needed in this situation.

I am hopeful that with time and a lot of therapy, you can repair and rebuild a relationship with your daughter. Maybe it won’t be what it was before, but I don’t believe you should throw away any possibility of reconnecting. 

I hope that you do get some counseling. If you need help finding a therapist in your area, please email me again. As it’s been years, and you have yet to take action, I don’t want you to sit with this denial any longer. 

You need to get out of this marriage and break this toxic facade. 

I know this may feel overwhelming. You don’t have to do this alone. You don’t have to take every step at once. But you can’t pretend it’s not happening. 

Your silence is not serving any of you. If you have a friend or family member you trust, please confide in them. I want you to have available the largest support system possible. 

Regarding the paternity of your grandchild, let’s put that aside for the moment. That can be dealt with later. And whatever the outcome, please remember that your grandchild is innocent in all this. You are still that baby’s grandmother, no matter what. Your grandchild needs you. 

The only way out is through. 

Taking that first step may feel scary, but I promise it won’t on the other side of this. You only have to go through this once. Take back control over what you can control — your actions.You can do this. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Chrysocolla, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

An Update On A One-Night Stand With My Co-Worker

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Erin,

Almost a year ago, I wrote to you about my one-night stand with a co-worker. Your advice and predictions were absolutely spot on. 

As you predicted, the man was not only hiding a relationship, but his partner was pregnant. 

I found out through a post on Facebook announcing their new marriage(?!)/relationship and addition to the family. To say I was gutted is an understatement, and not because of feelings, but rather, that absolutely awful, sickening feeling of guilt towards her and her child despite him telling me he was single. 

I have no idea whether she knows what happened (and while I am someone who would want to know if a partner of mine had cheated on me, I don’t think I’m the right person to tell her, and I certainly don't want to ruin their family). I did not say anything to him about it, instead kept quiet. 

A month after that post (and coincidently, the day his child was born), I received a package in the mail at my work address. He had sent me a copy of his new book, alongside a letter saying that he was thinking about me, and wanted to see me again (just as you predicted), no mention of the marriage or the baby. Keeping what you said in mind, I ignored the letter, thanked him politely for the book, congratulated him on his marriage and new child, and then promptly deleted him from Facebook and ended all contact indefinitely. 

I went to therapy to help work through my feelings of anger, hurt, and guilt, which has helped immensely, as well as learning to let go of the attachments I had made. It's probably been about ten months or so since we've had any contact.

Since then, I’ve met a wonderful guy that I’ve been seeing for a while now (as you predicted!), and I generally feel more confident, and loved, and just better overall. The problem I’m having is, despite all the above, I still often think about that man. It is certainly not in terms of affection or want or desire as it was last year, and it's certainly not all-encompassing like it was either, but I don’t know why he’s still in my head or under my skin. 

I think perhaps a part of me is scared that he'll try and derail my career because I've refused to be some overseas mistress, and that is constantly playing in the back of my mind.

Why can’t I stop thinking about this person? 

I'm worried that the next time I might have to see him, like at a conference, that all my hard work will be undone. 

What more can I do?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Stop My Feelings For Someone Other Than My Boyfriend?

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A.

Well, I am happy you cut him off and got yourself out of a situation that was bound to end badly. Further, I am thrilled to read that you’ve met a wonderful — and more importantly, available — partner. 

Don’t let nostalgia for who you hoped that guy would be, and wasn’t, ruin the relationship you have now.

Because, to remind you, you fell for a fantasy, not the real person. The real person behind that fantasy was a cheater who lied to you about having a relationship, and a child on the way. He’s a louse — a liar and a cheater. You don’t want that. 

What’s unsettling you is the lust that set all your pheromones off when you hooked up. That feeling of someone getting under our skin can be mistakenly there because we had good sex and then it was taken away. Your memory of that hookup is in your body, even if your mind remembers that it was a bad situation. And I get how powerful that can be. I really do. But it’s not grounded in reality. 

The reality is he is married with a kid, and you already know he is a liar and a cheater. 

No good can come of any contact with this guy outside of work. I do not believe that he will try to derail your career. This kind of guy likely has more than one mistress, overseas or not. 

Why do you think about him? Because we often get hung up on the ones who almost were, the ones who disappeared, the ones we couldn’t have. Despite how strong that pull can be, remember who he is and who he is not. 

As for the next time you see him, remember all of the facts. He lied and cheated. He ghosted you. This would end badly, for all of you.

Don’t go there!I don’t know if the person you’re with now is the one for you.But I am fairly certain your old co-worker is NOT.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Celestite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

My Sister's Boyfriend Is Coming Between Us

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Erin, 

I recently moved in with my sister — per her request — from another state. I had heard about her boyfriend, who didn’t sound all that great to begin with, and over the holidays I met him. 

Christmas Day, after only knowing me about a week, he gave me a $100 gift card secretly because he didn’t want her knowing about it. That night, he sent me a text message saying “sweet dreams.”

I told my sister about it, and they got into a fight, and they broke up. He continued to try to hit me up all the time, despite the fact that I ignored him. He even invited me to move in with him. 

And yes my sister knew all about this. 

I eventually blocked his number thinking he was a total scumbag. Three months went by, and I thought my sister was doing well and getting over him until she tells me she’s meeting him for dinner! 

I bluntly asked, “you’re not getting back together with him, are you?”

She said she didn’t know. Of course, I laid into her and told her he was nothing but a scumbag and that she deserves better. 

So she went to dinner with him, and when she came home, I inquired if she was going to get back with him. She said she needed to think about it but that she didn’t want to talk about what happened. 

I am so livid with her that she has such low self-confidence and esteem that she would consider getting back with the scumbag that tried to pick up on her sister! 

What do I do from now on since they are obviously getting back together? 

I have no desire to hear about him from her from now on.

You Might Also Like: 9 Super Subtle Signs Your Partner Is Gaslighting You 

A.

Ugh, you are in an unfortunate position with this one. It can be painful to watch people we love stay in or return to unhealthy relationships. I have been there. 

I have also been your sister, the one returning to a toxic relationship, ignoring the advice and truth coming from my loved ones. 

So what can you do? 

First, although it sounds like you have already voiced your concerns, set up a time to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your sister about the facts.

The facts are this man has hit on you, lied to her, and has been generally super sketchy.You can emphasize the facts, without adding on your own emotions connected to it.

She will be more likely to hear you if you can refrain from making statements that come across as being judgmental. 

Rather than evaluating her self-esteem and confidence, focus on statements that reaffirm her good qualities and what she deserves in a partner. Ask her if she would want a partner like him for you, her sister. Chances are, she would not. 

I am hoping that she hears you, and if she does, offer her healthy support and encourage her to seek it, as well. 

Therapy, if she’s open to it, is an excellent idea, as there may be things she is more receptive to hearing from an objective third party, than from her sister. 

Sometimes, our relationships with the people we are closest with are the most complicated, and that can prevent us from hearing them with clarity. Therapists provide the kind of voice that is not muddied by a long and emotional history.

If she remains unreceptive, you need to determine and then set boundaries you are comfortable with. You can’t force her to see this guy for who he is. You can’t stop her from being with him. 

But you can be in charge of what contact you have with him and their relationship. 

It’s reasonable to set boundaries around having him in your shared living space and discussing their relationship. You can set these boundaries while still letting her know that you love her and will be there for her, but that this is what you are or aren’t comfortable with. 

Lastly, if you find that you have difficulty setting boundaries with her, it would help to speak with a therapist yourself. That type of guidance can keep us level-headed when dealing with our closest family members. Best of luck to you!

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent,

what I’m watching,what I’m reading,Aquamarine, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Why Is My Boyfriend Avoiding Me?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

My boyfriend is avoiding me. 

We recently ended the college semester, and things were okay. When we got back to college, he seemed different. He never talked to me. He always found routes to stay out of my way. 

All my friends think he's cheating on me. I don't believe them because I know he wouldn't do that to me. I don't know whether I should approach him or just leave things the way they are. 

Am I smothering him? Did I do something wrong? 

Please help me, Erin.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Much Space Is Enough For My Boyfriend?

A.

This is such a common question. I get at least ten emails each week from people (usually women) whose partner is ignoring them. 

It probably feels like you’re getting ghosted by your boyfriend — and, in a way, you are. 

I don’t think couples need to be attached at the hip. You don’t need to be in constant contact with one another. But, avoidance is a huge red flag. 

It’s not surprising to me that you are in college, as what he’s doing is very immature. Sadly, I’ve known men over 40 who’ve done this to partners, too. 

Much like Jack Berger breaking up with Carrie via post-it note in that well-known episode of Sex and the City, his actions are cowardly. 

He is not acting like a grown-up, or at least a healthy grown-up. His behavior is the worst type of passive-aggression. And the impetus? He’s scared to have whatever uncomfortable conversation he’s anticipating. 

Are you smothering him? Did you do something wrong? We can’t know because your boyfriend has not communicated anything with you. And this is far more a reflection of his character than yours. 

Turn this around. Instead of asking if he still loves you, if he still wants to be with you — how about figuring out what you want.

Do you want to be with someone who treats their partner like this?

I hope not. It’s disrespectful. And even IF you’d done something that upset him or you act a certain way that he doesn’t like, he has not told you this. You are not a mind reader. 

What I think you should do is call him and tell him you need to talk.If he doesn’t respond, then let him know that you are ending things.If you do have that face to face conversation, let him know what’s been bothering you.

Set those boundaries regarding what you will and won’t accept in a relationship. 

You don’t need to let him run the show. You can decide what you want and then make a decision accordingly about your relationship. 

You won’t know what he is feeling or thinking unless you act him directly. I know it can feel scary to get an answer, because the answer may not be what you want to hear. But I promise you it is far better than being in the dark, in limbo, waiting to see if he comes back around. 

You are young. Don’t tie yourself to someone who isn’t mature enough to communicate with you. It’s a million times better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel like crap. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Amblygonite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Can A Woman Rape A Woman?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

rape

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

I'm a 23-year-old female, and a few months ago I decided to start dating. I've been raped before, so I had never had much interest in dating anyone. My best friend at the time set me up on Tinder, and I met this nice girl. We really hit it off, and I had her meet my friends.They liked her and thought she was really nice. I met her friends as well, and it all went pretty well. After we had been talking for a month, I went and stayed the weekend with her.

My last night there we were at her friend's house, and I was smoking marijuana. I got extremely high, the highest I've ever been. She drank a beer, but that was it. Later that night we were back at her place (I don't remember much of what happened between leaving her friend's house), and I woke up, kind of, to her having sex with me. 

I was constantly in and out of sleep throughout the whole ordeal, but I didn't say no. 

I didn't think no. I didn't think anything. I was so tired I really didn't pay much attention to what was going on. I definitely didn't reciprocate anything though.

The next morning she apologized to me because she said she felt like she had taken advantage of me. I hadn't even had time to understand what happened, but I told her she had nothing to worry about and it was fine.

I've been raped by two men, but I had never been with a woman and didn't think anything like this would happen. I don't feel raped per se, but I do have a lot of emotions about it that I still haven't been able to figure out. 

The more I think about it, the more confused I get. 

It makes me so upset to think about, but I'm still not sure why. I don't feel like this counts as rape. It wasn't violent, and she didn't drug me. This feels like one of those grey areas, but is it?

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A.

I am so very sorry that you went through this, but I am really glad you wrote in and that you are asking this question. 

I want to make something very clear with my answer — yes, a woman can rape another woman. A woman can also rape a man. 

Rape is nonconsensual sex. The legal definition of rape, as defined by The United States Department of Justice is “Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” 

This woman did not obtain your consent. Being asleep or too high to give consent does not excuse her. 

The reason this is still bothering you is that she did rape you. 

No, this wasn’t violent, and no, she didn’t drug you, but she engaged in sex with you while you were asleep, and that is a violation. 

She knows what she did, or she wouldn't acknowledge it with an apology that downplays what occurred. Addressing that with her is a personal decision and one that should be made with consideration to how safe you feel doing so. 

I also want to add that as someone who has been raped in the past, this undoubtedly revives that past trauma. No matter the gender of the person who assaulted you, the feelings that settle in your body and mind are the same. And I speak from experience. 

The most crucial thing right now is that get some support. 

I am not sure if you have accessed any help for your past traumas, but regardless, now would be a good time for some guidance. I urge you to seek the help of a therapist and possibly a support group. 

Below are a couple of resources that can direct you to further help. If you have any other questions about where to find help in your area, please email me again. 

Safe Horizon

RAINN

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Dioptase, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

How Do I Stop My Feelings For Someone Other Than My Boyfriend?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Erin,

I have been in a committed relationship for about two years. My boyfriend and I are generally very happy and are planning to move in together in a few months. We've had our ups and downs, like any couple, but we're good for each other and are generally in a good place.

Except for one thing — I have powerful, almost overwhelming feelings for a mutual friend of ours. 

I don't think I've ever been this attracted to anyone. I believe it’s normal and healthy to find people attractive outside your relationship — it's happened before — but this is ridiculous. I haven't been able to keep him off my mind for a good few months. Nothing is going to happen — I'd never cheat on my boyfriend, and the friend has a girlfriend anyway — but I can't stop thinking about him.

I do think the problem is exacerbated by the fact that my boyfriend and I haven't had sex in a few months. He's always had a lower sex drive than me, but we used to have sex at least once or twice a week. This seems to have dried up. Between work and university (we're students) he's always tired, and while he's sweet and affectionate, I feel like I need more. I think part of my attraction to the friend (not all of it — he's legit gorgeous — but some) comes from wanting to feel desired.

I don't want to have these feelings! 

My boyfriend is great, and I can live without regular sex if I get to keep him in my life, but I don't know how to get rid of my feelings for the friend. He's a great guy, and I do like him platonically (as do our other friends), so I don't want to just stop spending time with him. I just want to stop thinking about f*cking him every 20 seconds.

Help?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Is It A Bad Idea To Get Romantically Involved With My Friend’s Dad?

A.

As you mentioned, it is natural to find other people attractive when we are in committed relationships. But the intensity of your attraction for this friend is indicative of some red flags I see here. 

You are so young! You are in university and have been in this relationship for two years.

I know some people find the one early on and it works out, but I think they are outliers.

Most of us don’t know who we are yet, let alone who we will become, during our college years. 

And that discovery often goes far past our early 20s. Maybe part of what’s happening is that you subconsciously recognize this and this attraction is revealing that. And that’s okay. It is not a reflection of what your relationship has been or the feelings you’ve had for your boyfriend. The truth is most relationships won’t last. It can feel scary to acknowledge that you’ve outgrown a relationship, but my instinct here is that this is what’s happening. 

The sex life issue is valid; don’t discount its importance. 

Certainly, sex is not the most important aspect of a long-term relationship. BUT, it is pretty damn important. A couple’s sex life can be indicative of how healthy the relationship is. It is very natural that there are ebbs and flows within a relationship, and that includes sex. When there is a distinct difference in sex drive that seems to be more of a pattern, it’s something to consider. 

Do you want to be in a long-term relationship with someone whose sex drive is significantly lower than yours? For this to work, there needs to be open communication with your partner about this. Perhaps you can find a way together to work on this. 

Don’t move in with your boyfriend. 

With these sorts of doubts — and yes I believe this intense attraction is a manifestation of your doubts — it’s not the time to take that next step. What’s the rush? 

Don’t act on these impulses — both the impulse to move in with your boyfriend and the impulse to be with the friend. Neither will make anything but a mess. How do I know?Because I have made these mistakes. Both of them. More than once. 

If you are determined to make it work with your boyfriend, it would be helpful for you to see a therapist, to work out what you truly feel. Often the mere act of talking it out with someone who is outside of the situation can help with clarity. 

In the meantime, you asked how to stop thinking about him all the time. Remind yourself of this…

Your attraction feels powerful because it is based on a fantasy of this guy, not the reality of who he is or what it would be like to be with him. 

When we fantasize about someone, they are perfect.In our minds, they are capable of satisfying us, making us feel desired, and the scenarios are always heightened.The reality of being with someone is always different than our fantasy.That’s why fantasies are so enticing!They can be whatever we want them to be.I guarantee you that this girlfriend knows all the little annoying things about him that make him a real person.Try to remember that when your mind wanders to him.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Variscite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Can I Ask My Boyfriend To Dump His Best Friend?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

So last year I found out my boyfriend of nine years was having an emotional affair, sending texts to other girls he shouldn’t have, and generally being pretty douchey. 

I found this out because I read texts between him and his male best friend talking about this stuff. 

I know, a massive breach of privacy. To try to defend myself  — I was really suspicious because he was going out a lot more at night, staying late after work, never leaving his phone out of sight, and was being really cold with me. I tried to talk to him about my suspicions, but he would deny it and walk off. (He later admitted he was walking off so he could delete suspicious texts from other girls.)

Anyway, so I did read his texts with his best mate who I knew he would talk to if anything were going on. In the texts, the friend was joking about the situation and my boyfriend liking other girls, inviting my boyfriend to visit him to meet other girls, talking about them being single together, and even said: “haha imagine if your girlfriend read this.” 

I was really hurt because I’d spent a lot of time with this best friend, gone on double dates with him, cooked him dinner, had him stay over at our house. I also have never prevented my boyfriend spending time with him whether its lads weekends away or nights out. 

My boyfriend and I have done A LOT of work to repair the relationship, and I now trust him again. But I hate the fact he is still friends with this man because he clearly has no respect for me or our relationship. He hasn’t even asked my boyfriend how things are between us after the shit hit the fan. 

Can I ask him to ditch this guy as a friend?

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A.

I feel for you. It’s a tough situation to have negative feelings about your partner’s best friend.But before I address your question, we need to look a little deeper.

You need to separate your anger towards your boyfriend from your anger towards his best friend.

Of course, it hurts to know that his friend knew this information, cosigned it, and seemingly encouraged it.When I was in a relationship where my partner had cheated, I remember that feeling of finding out who had known.It burns.BUT…

Your boyfriend, not the friend, is the one who’d committed to you.

The best friend is not the one who made you feel like you imagined things all of that time.The best friend is not the one who deleted texts and had an emotional affair. Your boyfriend did that.

Although you said that you trust your boyfriend again and you’ve worked together to repair your relationship, I think there’s more work to do. The residual anger you have is being redirected at the best friend. I’m not saying this friend is a great guy, but he didn’t do these things to you. 

You also mentioned that the friend hasn’t asked about your relationship — how it’s going.I’m not sure how you know that. I am assuming that he’s told you this. 

Here is what I would do: Get real honest with yourself about any residual resentment or trust issues you have with your boyfriend. I am a big believer in clear and direct communication. 

I think you need to talk with the best friend — a non-confrontational, but honest talk. It’s okay to tell the friend that it hurt to find out that he knew about the cheating and perhaps encouraged it. But don’t blame him for your boyfriend’s actions. 

If you ask your boyfriend to dump his best friend, you’re likely not going to get the response that you want. 

So if you decide to do that, you have to prepare yourself for how you will feel and what you will do if you don’t get what you want. I think that with a little compromise and a lot of direct, clear, calm communication, you can get to a place where you’ll be a bit more comfortable with him. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Amblygonite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you myAsk Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter.xoxo

My Partner's Father Hates Me

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

So this one's a little complicated, and I’m not really sure how to explain it without it sounding insane.

My partner and I have been together on and off since we were teenagers, which is now well over half a decade. I love him, and I think that where we are now, I’m probably going to end up with him permanently. This terrifies me.

The main problem is that his father hates me. 

He is a very controlling man and tried to split us up last year. This included a personal assassination detailing every aspect of my personality, family and background that makes me not good enough for his son before sending a concluding text message declaring my relationship with his son over and threats if I tried to get back in contact with him. 

All of this just resulted in lots of heartbreak and stress, disrupting both of our studies at university, us getting back together and dating in secret for some months, and me now suffering from anxiety. 

It all happened a year ago now, and my partner’s family have known we got back together for a number of months. However, I am banned from the family home, and I have had no contact with them since (despite having been good friends with my partner’s sisters before having even met my partner).

My partner and I are now planning on moving in together in the summer when we graduate. I feel like this is really the turning point at which there’s no going back, and I’ll end up married to him, which actually would be something that I think I might want, but I am scared that it will all be a horrible mistake.

I am scared that my partner’s father will always hate me and that one day my partner will resent me for causing him to be distant from his family. 

I am terrified that his family will decide they want to reconnect and will just expect me to pretend that nothing ever happened and try to influence our lives. 

I am scared that I have never really been with many other people in my life or explored much, and that maybe us having to fight to be together has meant us sticking with each other rather than coming to an end on our own and doing other things (how many people end up with the people they dated in school anymore?)

I am scared of the future and how much this nasty relationship with my partner’s father will cause problems going ahead. I don’t know what to do or if moving in together is even a good idea. Any advice you have would be really helpful.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Am I Overreacting To The Way My Partner’s Family Treats Me? 

A.

This is a challenging situation. Having a long-term partnership with someone whose family is at odds with you is complicated at best. I can understand your hesitation. 

You don’t want him to resent you, nor do you want to have to grin and bear it around people who have treated you so poorly. 

Before (BEFORE) you move in together, I strongly suggest the two of you speak to a therapist about the situation. You are young, you are dealing with familial relationships that sound pretty toxic, and they were probably that way long before you were in the picture. 

You didn’t mention how your partner handles this. You are banned from their home. Does your partner see them without you? Has he taken a stand? The two of you need to establish a united position in dealing with his family BEFORE you move in together. 

But there’s something else that struck me about your email. You mentioned another fear you have regarding this relationship. You noted how young you are, how you haven’t had much, if any, experience outside of this relationship, and questioned if the fight to stay together is what has kept you together. You’ve hit on something there. You need to evaluate your other very valid concerns about this relationship. 

Your fears have consolidated on this one issue — and it’s a big one — but your hesitance is really about a whole lot more. 

I was young once, too. Relationships when you’re young, particularly when they started in high school and continued into adulthood, can feel like they are meant to last forever. 

It’s important to acknowledge that sometimes we outgrow relationships. 

And that’s okay. That’s normal. The only people who can figure this out are you and your partner. My gut tells me that there lies the issue behind the issue. 

First and foremost, I urge you and your partner to speak with a therapist. It’s going to be necessary, if you move forward together, to have some objective guidance, particularly in setting boundaries. 

Lastly, please know that his father’s feelings toward you have less to do with you and more to do with his own crap.And that’s family baggage you are not required to take on.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Magnesite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I Have Abandonment Issues

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Erin,

My social and emotional life burned to the ground last year. I'm still trying to piece myself back together. I'm chronically anxious and lonely. I've been exercising and volunteering and journaling to try and get out of my head, but whenever I have a quiet moment all of the fears and insecurities take over.

I left an abusive situation in my early twenties, and I felt good about my new job, my new city, my new life. I made close friends. I started dating someone. I liked my job. 

Five years later everything unraveled for reasons I still don't entirely understand and probably never will. 

My two closest friends began dating. One of their boyfriends didn't like me, and the other one liked me WAY too much. My friends vanished seemingly overnight. Then the guy I was dating broke things off badly and abruptly not long after.

I'm alone and losing my mind. I've never had a problem meeting new people and making friends, but right now I'm terrified of getting close to anyone. I feel like everyone is eventually just going to up and leave one day without warning and I'll be left to pick up the pieces. (Yes, my childhood was chaos and my mother left and came back and left again more times than I can count. No clue where she is today.)

Do people ever recover from being abandoned? 

Or is being an adult just one miserably long process of learning to deal with loss and disappointment and heartbreak? 

Life looks very long and very lonely from where I'm standing right now.

– Abandonment Issues

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A.

Dear Abandonment Issues,

I want you to know that you are not alone. So many people have experienced similar feelings.The fear of abandonment becomes an integral part of your psyche, causing anxiety and depression. 

When you’re struggling with abandonment issues, the world can feel very unsafe.

To answer your questions… Yes, people recover from being abandoned. No, being an adult is not one miserably long process of learning to deal with loss and disappointment and heartbreak. However, I think you need some help to get there.

You didn’t mention therapy or if you had spoken with or been treated by a mental health professional.

Accessing care is going to be your first step. Trying to muscle through this is not the way to heal. 

For so long, I avoided or denied that I needed medication, even when I was in therapy. I could have saved myself years if I’d been willing to face my mental health issues. 

All the journaling and exercise and volunteering in the world are not going to cure anxiety or depression.

They can help; they are useful tools. But they may not be the real solution. 

I’m not a doctor and can’t diagnose you, but there is the possibility of getting some relief from the anxiety you feel. Maybe that means medication. Maybe that means talk therapy or EMDR. Maybe that means a combination of things. But I cannot stress enough the importance of having the guidance of someone trained to help you with this stuff. The bottom line is you don’t have to do this alone. 

Reaching out to me is a significant first step. Please take the next step. If you need help finding a therapist or support group in your area, email me. And please remember this — you are not broken, you are not alone, and you will not feel this way forever. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Bixbite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

How Do I Tell My Friends With Kids To Back Off?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

To start, I don't have kids so I know I'm on unsteady ground right now. 

All of the women in my friend group have had kids in the last few years, including my sister and both my sisters-in-law. My partner and I don't have kids and aren't sure we want kids. 

We're not anti-kid; we’re anti-annoying new parents. 

I run my own company ( a real one, not an MLM) and my days can be f*cking bananas sometimes, but I love it. I work from home, and I refuse to put on real pants. I worked really hard for this.

My friends with kids seem to think I'm fair game when it comes to dropping by, calls, texts, Facetime — for blow-by-blow plays about the tiniest details of their day for hours at a time.These conversations always devolve into how easy I have it. One of them even called me just to spend the entire phone call talking to her kid.

I have a blanket text that I send back during work hours: "I'm working right now. Unless this is an emergency, I'll catch up with you later."  

My brother's wife texted me yesterday that since I'm "not as busy" as she is that she put me down to do pick up my nephew at daycare because she needs some "down time" (she doesn't have a job). My best friend dumped on me the other day out of nowhere that I'm rude and distant and that I'm ditching her now that she's got a kid. I'm not doing that; I'm putting my energy into building my business — something my friends with kids aren't interested in. 

When I try to talk about successes or goals or failures I get: "oh wait until you're up late at night with a puking baby" or something equally dismissive. 

I feel angry and shitty about this, and I don't know how to handle it. I think I've done all the nice boundary-setting I can. 

Can I do more?

You Might Also Like: I'm 36 And I May Never Have Kids

A.

I can understand why you are so frustrated. I would be too. I have kids, and I have been (I hope) conscious of balancing my mom self with my friend self.

I strive to be present for my friends to the best of my ability.

It feels invalidating to have your life milestones and the things you care about ignored. 

And it sounds like that’s what your friends and family members are doing. I don’t think they are aware they are doing it. 

It can be exhausting and all-consuming to be a new parent. You are adjusting to new roles, and more importantly, an identity you try to make sense of while “on the job.” Recognize that their single-mindedness right now more likely comes from an internal freakout adjusting to parenthood rather than inherent selfishness. 

But you can and should address this more directly with them. With each individual, you need to have an individual face to face conversation, or at least a phone call. 

Start the discussion coming from a place of compassion. 

Acknowledge how difficult it must be to transition in the new role of parent. Then explain what you are juggling in your life. An essential part of friendship is being able to share where you’re at and how you’re feeling. Say, “When you tell me just to wait until I am up at night with a puking baby… it feels like you’re dismissing me. That feels shitty. I may not understand what you are going through, but I can still sympathize, and I ask that you do the same for me.” 

Be direct with your brother and sister-in-law. Maybe there are times you can spend an hour or two with your nephew, because your role as the aunt is important, too! But you have a say in how you spend your time. You can say something like, “I love spending time with X (your nephew). I can’t pick him up from daycare most days but would love to set up a regular aunt date with him on X (whatever day and time and frequency you can commit to). 

Regarding your best friend, email or text and ask if you can set up a quick coffee date so you can be face to face, acknowledge the changes in your lives, and come from a place of honesty and compassion while being clear about how it feels on your end. 

It is true that as life changes happen, there are natural separations in who you may spend the majority of your time with, based on kids/no kids, work schedules, etc.

But you don’t need to give up on these friendships altogether.I believe that with the right communication method, you can come to a better place of mutual respect and understanding.

If someone, after these attempts, still disregards your boundaries, then it is time to take a break. As those kids grow, your friends will better be able to handle that parent/life balance. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Axinite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo