Ask Erin: Gambling Addiction Is Destroying My Family

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hello Erin, 

I would like advice on my situation. 

I am going to start by saying that I’m in a relationship I don’t truly want to be in. 

I have been with my partner for the past four years, and during that time, we have had twins, and then a year later, another baby, so I stay at home with my three younger daughters. I also have an older daughter in school. 

My partner, from the moment I became pregnant with our twins, won a lot of money at a casino. From there, he constantly started to go to the casino and lost all of it. Plus, during this time racked up tons of debt — we are talking close to $50,000 worth. He has a good job, but most of his income now goes to debt. 

He keeps promising to get better and then relapses — and continually lies to me about it. 

Then he acts like he does nothing wrong, and my reactions are mistreating him. 

Every time I try to be nice, he uses it as a way for us to go out and inevitably go to a casino. If I’m mad, he goes to a casino. 

He’s very disconnected and hardly treats me with respect. It's like my worth is not equal to his. I feel like he views me as trapped with him, unable to leave due to having to stay at home and not making enough money working as a transcriptionist to make my own money to support us. When I do tell him I’m going to leave, he threatens to take me to court and get full custody of our kids. I have no support from my family because they are all very traditional, and most of them have stayed in relationships way worse than mine. 

I just feel defeated. I have no voice with him, no clear communication, and I know if I leave, it’ll be years from now when I can get on my feet. 

I used to feel confident, pretty, and smart before I met him — really before the gambling — and now I feel empty and like I don’t matter. 

I would like advice that can empower me to be happy and know what to do in this situation. It’s tiring, especially since our twins are delayed due to being born early, and I have so much on my plate. 

Thank you. 

A.

I am so very sorry that you’re going through this with your partner. It sounds like things have been spiraling out of control for a while. I can understand how alone you must feel. 

Gambling addiction, like any other addiction, is a mental health issue. 

Your partner needs help. I don’t know if you’ve had this discussion or if he is open to some professional help, but it is as serious as any other addiction. And you know that. The financial and emotional destruction has been significant. I am wondering if your partner has gone to any 12-step meetings or looked into treatment. 

The lying, the relapses, the projecting, and the threats are all actions of a person who is not well. While understanding this doesn’t make it any easier on you, I want you to remember the person who is underneath the addiction. Also…

None of this is a reflection of your worth. 

And you certainly don’t need to stay stuck in this spiral. 

First, check out Al-Anon or similar support groups. While 12-step programs aren’t necessarily the end-all answer for everyone, they are a great place to start, are free, and provide you with a community of support. I know you have young kids. Some meetings have childcare, and there are online meetings as well. If you are at all able to budget for therapy (some therapists so sliding-scale), I think it would be so beneficial for you right now. 

You are pretty clear that this is not the relationship you want to be in, and who could blame you? Maybe there is a path to creating something new if/when your partner is in recovery from his addiction, but in the meantime, I agree this is a bad situation for you and your children.  

I know leaving feels overwhelming; you have so much on your plate. Start by making a plan. 

Look for any way you can begin to stash away a little savings here and there. If your family is unsupportive, perhaps there is a close friend you can turn to, to give you some emotional support. Although it may feel impossible to leave, you can take back that control and make it happen, with some time and planning and reaching out for help. 

Lastly, as for his threat — the likelihood of him being able to take you to court and win custody of those kids is pretty slim. Second, he will be financially responsible for contributing to your kids (and possibly to you via alimony, which is dependent on the length of relationship or marriage and where you live). 

I know you have been feeling defeated. Take that control back with getting support, making a plan, on trusting that you can do this. If you need any further help with some resources in your area, don’t hesitate to reach out again. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Rainforest Jasper, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: How Do I Tell My Sister That Her Husband Relapsed?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I'm fairly certain my brother-in-law relapsed on heroin, and I don't know what to tell my sister. 

My sister was a late bloomer; she lived with our parents until she was 27 and she's almost willfully naive. She met her husband on a dating app and moved in with him after knowing him for two weeks, quitting her job and leaving behind substantial debt for my parents to pay off. 

My brother-in-law had just gotten out of a court-mandated treatment program when they met. They've been together two years and have two kids with the third one on the way. 

There are a lot of red flags in this relationship, but mostly the one that sticks out is that my brother-in-law goes to concerts and raves sometimes states away for days at a time and always comes back either flat broke or with wads of cash. This makes me think he's either moving or selling on top of using. 

After these raves, a lot of pictures pop up on Instagram and Snapchat of him looking high. He's been open on social media about using kratom and buying Suboxone and Narcan to misuse it. 

On the face of things, my sister's life looks very charmed, and Pinterest-Perfect and my parents and other siblings adore her husband for finally "bringing her out of her shell." 

But there are children involved at this point, and I don't know how to tell her I'm concerned. 

I've had my own issues with recovery and have been sober for ten years, and I'm pretty sure of what I'm seeing. 

A.

You are right to be concerned. 

In my experience, whenever I’ve had the gut feeling that someone was using, 99% of the time that gut feeling was correct. 

I want to address a couple of things in your email. Kratom and Suboxone are often used by people as a means of staving off opiate withdrawal. That said, they can also be abused. Narcan (or Naloxone) is an antagonist, commonly used to reverse an overdose. It could be that he has Narcan because he is using and/or around people who are using. 

The fact that he disappears for days at a time when he has two kids and one on the way is concerning, even without the drugs. And I agree; there seem to be plenty of red flags here. 

So what can you do? 

You have to put aside your feelings about the denial that your sister and parents are in. You have no control over what they believe or what they are capable of confronting. 

But you need to tell them what you’re observing. Set up a time to speak with your sister privately. 

Tell your sister what your concerns are by laying out the facts. 

The facts are he is disappearing for days on end, returning with missing money or wads of cash, and has drugs on him that are used to stave off opiate withdrawal and reverse opiate overdose. Remind her that you are on her side, that you love her, and you will be there to support her. Remind her that she needs to set aside the discomfort of confronting thisbecause she has two (almost three) kids to think about. 

Please do this without adding in opinion or judgment. It will be a lot easier for her to hear if you stick to the facts. You also need to let your parents know what you’ve observed. 

When it comes to addiction, I believe in transparency. 

This is why I think it is important to let your parents, grandparents to those kids, know what the facts are as well. As with your sister, don’t add in judgments and opinions. 

I think it is highly unlikely that you are wrong about your assessment here, based on what you’ve said in your email. As I said, they may not be able to accept the truth in front of them.

Once you’ve had these conversations with them, you can set boundaries for yourself so that you are not in situations with someone who is actively using and denying it. If they can confront things, you can be there to assist in a family intervention. 

As you are already in recovery, you may be aware of Al-Anon. I always recommend this as a good place to start for loved ones of people who have substance abuse issues. Really, it’s a valuable program for learning how to set boundaries in general. However, I always like to add the caveat that there is a difference between setting boundaries and ostracizing people through outdated versions of "tough love." 

Remember, you have no control over the actions or reactions of any of your family members, but you can and should say something and then set boundaries accordingly. 

And, as always, remember that your brother-in-law is a human, struggling with a human condition. Lead with compassion. 

 The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Golden Yellow Topaz, or anything at all, use the contact form or email askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

OMG Pub Date is 11 Days Away

Welp, it’s almost here—Strung Out’s pub day. I am feeling all shades of everything! Here’s a bit of what’s been happening….

• This fantastic book review on BookPage, in which the reviewer said: “Erin Khar’s memoir, Strung Out: One Last Hit and Other Lies That Nearly Killed Me, is a compassionate account of her illness and will surely be the gold standard for women writing about heroin addiction.”

• Also on BookPage, I was one of eight memoirists answering questions about writing our stories.

• An interview I did for Our Town NY, with a focus on resilience and hope.

• It was a pleasure doing this interview for Bitch Media. The questions were so thoughtful and I love the way it came out.

• Lastly, Strung Out was featured in this New York Times article about the new wave of addiction memoirs.

Ask Erin: How Do I Handle My Husband's Addiction?

***In honor of my addiction memoir, Strung Out: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, hitting bookshelves on 2/25, all month I'll be tackling questions that deal with addiction.***

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin. 

My husband smokes rocks—cocaine. 

He doesn't have a full-time job, but whenever he gets some work, he uses the money on drugs instead of seeing to the kids. He'll steal stuff at the house, tires off of the car, batteries, inverters, cash from me, etc. 

How do I handle this? Should I just stay out of his life for a while? 

His mother has come to try and help, but she's also at her wit's end. I'm getting boils under my arm; I'm so stressed out. I'm also afraid of catching STDs because of his wandering eye after taking drugs. 

He is so emotionless, unsympathetic, and only shows a bit of love and compassion after he smokes.

You Might Also Like: As A Mom In Recovery From Heroin Addiction, Here’s Why Sesame Street’s New Character Matters

A.

I am so very sorry that you’re going through this. It is devastating to watch people we love self-destruct. 

Your husband is sick. His addiction is a health issue, not a moral one. 

Underneath the drugs and behavior is the human. And that can be very hard to see when someone is acting out in horrible ways because of their addiction. 

I want to say something about "tough love." I don’t believe in cutting someone off who is sick, who needs help. And often, old models of tough love have kept people trapped in cycles of shame. We can reject this idea of withholding love and instead focus on healthy boundaries.

As someone who has been on both sides of this situation, I always come from a place of compassion for everyone involved, even the person struggling with addiction. But you can be compassionate and still set boundaries. Boundaries are doubly important for the sake of your children. 

So what does that look like? How do you set boundaries with compassion? 

You have kids at home. He can’t live there while he is actively using drugs. Since he has been stealing, he shouldn’t have a set of keys, either. He can see the kids, but not when he is high. You and his mother should be on the same page with these boundaries.

All of this said, leave the door open when and if he should want help, whether that means you or his mom. Let him know he is loved, that he deserves more than the life carved out by his addiction. I know for myself when I was at my lowest, I didn’t feel I deserve to live. I carried so much shame. I am fairly certain he is struggling with those feelings, too, as most in active addiction do. 

Now, you need some help, too. 

Going through this with him is traumatic. If you can, please get the help of a therapist. Confide in a friend or two you trust. And it’s worth looking in to support groups such as Al-Anon. Allow yourself multiple avenues of support. And, depending on the age of your kids, they may need some outside support as well. 

You will get through this. You can’t control or change his behavior. You can only change yours. Lead with empathy and draw the line where you need to draw it to protect your kids.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Maori Greenstone, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Marriage Is A Roller Coaster

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin, 

I have been married for eight years, together with my husband for 11. We have two children (ages four and two). 

I feel like I am living a roller-coaster life, and am confused on where to go. 

My husband is emotionally abusive (he will never admit it). He accuses me of constantly cheating anytime I have to work late or have meetings come up. He constantly tells me how much my family is trying to ruin our lives and how we are better off if they are not around. But then expects my family to help without kids because he is "too busy." Anytime an argument comes up, he turns it around on me, and continues to try and get me to answer ludicrous questions, and causes confusion. 

He has even gone so far as being vindictive. I was away on a work trip and told him I would be back at 9 pm. Because I was half an hour late, he then proceeded to come home late one morning after a night shift, purposely making me late for a meeting. He went so far as saying, "now you know better and won't be late again." 

I find myself going through moments of knowing I need to leave, but then worrying about breaking our family up, worrying about Christmas, and a trip we had booked in February. 

I even find myself trying to find the good—such as he cooked dinner, or he said he loved me. And then I’m asking myself if maybe I made it up. 

I need advice. Help!

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Am I In An Emotionally Abusive Marriage?

A.

Okay, I want to be very clear here. 

Your husband is gaslighting you, and this is emotional abuse. 

You didn’t mention how long he has been like this, but my guess is that he showed signs of this early on, which worsened after marriage and after kids. When people write to me about the possibility of leaving a marriage, and there are kids involved, I tend to encourage exhausting all avenues of help through therapy before throwing in the towel. In this case, if you came to me as a friend asking for advice, I would tell you to leave. 

You certainly could broach the subject of marriage counseling, but he will likely not be too open to that. I do think that seeing a therapist on your own would be extremely beneficial. It would help if you had the guidance to get clear on your feelings and how you want to proceed. 

I know that leaving a marriage, even a bad one, is daunting. In my first marriage, I held on longer than necessary because I didn’t want to put our young son through a divorce. But now he doesn’t remember us ever being together. What I saved him from was witnessing the unhealthiest role modeling of what a relationship looks like. 

You don’t want your kids growing up thinking that how your husband treats you is okay. 

While they may not be privy to the little digs and controlling, abusive commentary, they will, at some point, catch on. Having to re-establish a new version of family is challenging, but it will be worth it. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. 

Everything you have described in your email smacks of classic gaslighting—the accusations, the jealousy, the vindictiveness, the small gestures of cooking a meal, or saying I love you. He is unwilling to acknowledge his behavior. Gaslighting thrives on the normal responses we have to this type of abuse. It doesn’t surprise me that you find yourself questioning your judgment, thinking maybe you made it all up, maybe it’s not that bad. 

Gaslighters want you to feel like an unreliable narrator in your own life. 

I think you need to get out. And I want you to prepare a bit—emotionally, practically, and financially. I am concerned that someone like him may lash out in unpredictable ways if you tell him you are leaving. Please turn to trusted friends and family members. Ask for help in setting up your plan to leave. If you can do so, I would contact a lawyer as well. The National Domestic Violence Hotline also has resources should you need some outside support. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Boji Stone, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Don't Know How To Be Honest In My Open Relationship

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hello Erin, 

My partner and I of seven years had a trial run of an open relationship, so to speak. I slept with one person during that time, and I asked them before sleeping with them if they had tested themselves for STIs and HIV. They said they did, and the results were negative. We slept together once. Six months later, I went in for a random STD test, and it turns out I have chlamydia. 

How do I tell my long term partner that I got chlamydia from sleeping with someone in this open relationship? 

I took antibiotics and gave my partner the antibiotics as well, claiming I had a yeast infection instead of an STD and that my doctor said my partner needed treatment as well for this “yeast infection.” They believed me. 

Now I’m stuck in this hole of guilt. I want to tell my partner that it wasn’t a yeast infection but chlamydia. We are both STD free now, but I still want to tell them. 

I’m afraid that they’ll break up with me or see me as a disgusting person. 

I don’t want seven years to go down the drain. I know I should’ve told them when I was first diagnosed, but I was so afraid of what could happen. 

Thanks

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: My Wife Wants A Polyamorous Relationship & I Don’t

 

A.

Well, my first thought is that I am confused. You both agreed to try out an open relationship. What is not clear is what “rules’ or boundaries you had both established. Were you allowed to have sex with others? Did you agree to tell each other, or did you agree to keep it private? There are all sorts of arrangements people make in that broad concept of an open relationship. 

An open relationship only works when everyone is in agreement about what that means, what the boundaries area, and then commits to them. 

Since you are asking this question, I’m going to guess that you didn’t adhere to whatever agreements you’d initially set forth. So what to do now? 

I hold no judgment over decisions people make about the truth in regards to their relationship. Sometimes that desire, to tell the truth, is more about alleviating one’s guilt, than doing the right thing. But when it comes to physical health like this, I think you have no choice but to tell your partner. 

You owe it to them. 

They deserve to have that information, because it affects not only whatever commitments you’ve made to each other, but also their physical health. 

You cannot control their reaction. They might be mad or hurt. They might look at you differently. But in my experience, the trust is already damaged there; they just don’t know it yet. If you don’t tell them, your anxiety about it is likely to continue to eat at you and affect your relationship. 

I also need to remind you here that whatever type of sex you’re having, in whatever context, PLEASE use protection. 

A person telling you, “yeah, I’ve been tested; I’m fine” is not practicing safe sex. The outcome could be a whole lot worse than chlamydia. 

Your best course of action here is just telling the truth. As someone who ran from telling the truth for a long time, I can tell you that your anticipation of the truth being out there is a million times scarier than actually telling it. Hopefully, the two of you can use this as an opportunity to have an honest dialogue about what you watch want moving forward. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Albite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This article first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Need Help With My Non-Existent Married Sex Life

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I need help! 

My husband and I have been married for less than two years. We have a two-year-old daughter, and our sex life has become obsolete. 

When we first got together, we were passionate and adventurous lovers. Once I got pregnant, that all went out the window. 

I have ZERO sex drive and don’t even want to be touched. 

He doesn’t force it, and when he tries to be intimate, I push him away. I feel so awkward! 

I know he thinks it’s him even when I tell him it’s me. I love my husband, and I want to fix this! Please HELP save our sex life.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: I'm Afraid I Am Frigid

A.

You are not alone. This is a common experience for people of all genders after having a child. And it’s even more common for the partner who was pregnant and gave birth. Since that’s you, I’m going to focus on that. 

There are multiple factors affecting sex drive after having a child.

The first couple of months (let’s be real; it’s the first couple of years, especially with your first) bring sheer physical exhaustion, a lack of sleep. If you’re breastfeeding, there is the release of prolactin (which can lower your libido), not to mention other hormonal changes, and this can be coupled with getting used to the changes your body went through from pregnancy and childbirth. 

It’s A LOT to process — emotionally and physically. You mentioned that you didn’t want anyone to touch you; I could soooo relate. When you have a little one on top of you, nursing, needing to be held, all the time, it’s understandable that you want a break from physical contact. So cut yourself a little slack. That said, it is frustrating for your partner. 

What’s great is that you want to fix this. 

You love your husband. You are clear on that. 

The first thing I’d suggest is seeking some counseling. I’d start with you. Having a place to unburden yourself from the mental and physical exhaustion and changes that come with being a parent to a therapist can be extremely helpful for your sanity. Sometimes we need someone who is NOT our partner with whom we can unpack all that parenting stress. 

Secondly, you may want to see a marriage counselor together. It can be helpful for both of you to be able to process what you’re going through as a couple, together, but with an objective third party. Then leave it there, in their office, keeping your home out of the fray. 

Make the time to reconnect, to be emotionally intimate, without the pressure or expectation of sex. 

When we put a lot of pressure on ourselves about sex, it can take all the fun out of it. One way to get back on track is to plan intimate time with your husband that doesn’t involve sexual contact. Get a babysitter and go to a hotel for an afternoon of lounging around, ordering room service, talking, reading side by side, maybe a bubble bath, but no sex (and NO PHONES). For a more cost-effective date, wait until the toddler is asleep and have a midnight picnic in your living room with your favorite gourmet treats. 

Someone told me about an idea that I have yet to try, but absolutely love — a two-person book club. Put aside twenty minutes, or even ten, each night to read to each other. You can pick one book and take turns, or two books and divide up the time. There is something delightful intimate about lying down and having someone read to you. 

Schedule alone time, and by alone time, I mean time solo time, just for you. 

For me, when I have felt like there was something off in my sex life, it was often because I didn’t have any time that was just for me. Planning that time into your schedule is invaluable. You and your husband can take turns. Allow yourself an hour, or an afternoon, or even a night away in a hotel for a solo staycation (if that’s financially feasible). Having that alone time can be so reenergizing and make you feel more like you, which is something that is challenging after we have kids. 

Don’t lose hope. You both want this to work. Your sex life may never be what it once was, but it can be even better. You just need to reorganize how you approach intimacy. 

XOXO

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Vivianite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This article first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: Why Do I Only Want To Sleep With Married Men?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin...

I recently had sex with a married man (he’s 50). 

We met online and had been talking for a couple of months now. I don’t have feelings for him and most likely won’t develop any for him.

I don’t even know why I am sleeping with him. To be quite honest, I could have most of the guys my age (around 22), but it just seems so boring to me, so common. The idea of sleeping with a married man is inviting and has a taste of danger too.

Now I think it is important to point out that I wouldn’t do this with a man who says he is happily married. I wouldn’t to try to seduce one. I would only have sex with men if they are already willing to cheat on their wives and have decided to take action on the matter, but not try to convince someone to cheat. I think predisposition plays a huge difference in this scenario.

My question is, why do I only want to sleep with older or married men? 

Is it that I am looking for some danger or excitement in my life? 

I have to say that I am not into “normal” stuff that people usually do to have fun — like partying, drinking, drugs. That all seems boring to me. I find true excitement in doing things like these that are considered wrong by society. 

What do you think is the reason for that? 

Thanks!

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Should I Feel Guilty For Sleeping With A Married Man?

A.

In the ten-plus years of my Ask Erin column, I’ve learned a few things. One of those things is that people usually know the answer to their question. 

Often we ask for advice because we need someone else to validate what we know to be true or to say the thing that we may be afraid to say out loud. 

I think that’s the case with you. 

As you said, a big part of the allure is that it’s taboo; it’s considered wrong. You get a thrill from that. I think it’s more than that, but I do believe you need to unpack this. 

In my experience, when sex becomes focused on the external part of it that makes it thrilling — infidelity, any kind of secrecy, with a co-worker, etc. — that can be an indication of compulsive behavior. Often those compulsive behaviors fall under the umbrella of sex and love addiction. 

Negative consequences usually define sex and love addiction, and perhaps you haven’t felt any of those yet, but there is a major thing that is happening here. 

Sleeping with these older married men all but guarantees that you will not find yourself in a long term relationship, and I think that’s the underlying goal. 

When I was younger I was the “other woman,” I cheated on my own partners, I dated men who were very clearly unavailable in varying ways (ask me about how many long-distance “relationships” I was in).

The thing is, over time, I began to see that I was subconsciously getting into relationships, both casual and serious, that were destined to fail. I needed them to fail, whether by my actions or the other person’s. 

What I was really avoiding was emotional intimacy; I suspect that’s true for you as well. 

At the same time, you are seeking out situations that feel risky. As I said above, that’s a red flag. You may not be partying or doing drugs, but there’s a through-line from that behavior to this behavior. 

Enough with the rationalization. I hold no judgment over what two consenting adults do. And, as I said, I’ve participated in all sorts of infidelity. But at a certain point, I couldn’t pretend that my behavior didn’t have repercussions, even if I couldn’t see them. 

When I was briefly married to my older son’s father, he repeatedly cheated on me. So I was in the other position. He told every woman he cheated on me with that we were no longer together, that I knew, that we had an understanding, or any other variation of a lie. 

And I got it. 

When there is deceit, someone is bound to get hurt. 

My suggestion is that you take a look at this with a therapist. Something is going on here, some impetus to put yourself in intimate relationships that give you a false sense of control. I think it’s also worth checking out a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting. I know many people who have benefitted from the program. 

You are young. It’s okay that you don’t have this all figured out. But you deserve more than you’re giving yourself. And in the long run, your relationship with yourself is the one that will be most damaged by continuing unhealthy dating patterns with the mid-life crisis set. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Chalcopyrite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Rethinking "Tough Love"

Earlier this week, I wrote something for Salon about rethinking “tough love” when it comes to addiction. There has been a huge, largely positive response.

These earlier models of tough love keep those struggling locked in a cycle of shame. And that shame becomes a gatekeeper that prevents people from reaching out for help. That shame kills people. It nearly killed me.

You can read the rest of the article on Salon: We need to rethink "tough love" as a response to addiction.

I’d love to hear what you think!

XOXO

The Feeling of Holding Finished Hardcover Copies of Strung Out...

It was surreal to finally be holding finished hardcover copies of STRUNG OUT! These pictures don’t even do them justice. They’re so pretty and I am so grateful to the whole team at Park Row Books and all the people in my love who have loved and supported me through this entire journey.

Finished hardcover copies of Strung Out!

I did it. I wrote the damn book.

If you’d told me when I was in active addiction that one day I’d be 17 years drug-free, holding copies of a book that I wrote, I never would have believed you. I’m so damn lucky. 

Young Erin, it’s all gonna be okay, more than okay.

Finding Judaism in Recovery

I haven’t written a whole lot about religion. For a long time, I had none. But in recovery, I started finding a spiritual center, and eventually found a home in Reform Judaism. You can read all about it in this piece I wrote for Kveller: In Recovery From Drug Addiction, I Unexpectedly Found Judaism

If someone uses drugs, does that mean they don't deserve our compassion?

Image: Getty Images via HuffPost

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a piece for HuffPost about the ways in which we treat people who are struggling with addiction while experiencing homelessness. A bit of what I said:

If someone uses drugs, does that mean they don’t deserve our compassion? Much like the narratives of what makes a good “victim,” people are so quick to delineate the “good homeless” from the ones who deserve to be there. But no one deserves to be there. We all deserve shelter, food and compassion, without any conditions attached.

In the U.S., there are approximately 20 million people with a substance use disorder. With an estimated half-million people experiencing homelessness, many of whom have addiction issues, that means more than 19.5 million people struggling with substance use have homes. Yet when the person using drugs or drinking is homeless, we look down on them more, heaping extra stigma on a gravely marginalized group for suffering from mental health issues.

The article sparked a lot of debate online. As a rule, I don’t reply to comments, but I see them. Although there are many people who cannot see outside of their own experience, who are stunted in the empathy department, by and large the sentiment struck a chord with most folks. I received so many messages and emails and only one of them was nasty. The rest were thoughtful and reaffirmed why I write about the stuff I write about.

You can read the article in its entirety HERE.

XOXO

STRUNG OUT On New Lists From SELF, BitchReads, & Apple Books

It’s all happening! 2020 has rolled in and with a new batch of book lists featuring STRUNG OUT...

SELF’s 14 Books for Your New Year’s Resolution to Read More

BitchReads: 17 Memoirs Feminists Should Read in 2020

The Most Anticipated List from Apple Books

Lastly, it was a pleasure chatting with memoirist Carla Sameth about writing, motherhood, addiction, and trauma for Rare Bird Radio.

Recent Press for STRUNG OUT and Burn It Down

As the year wraps up, there have been some nice mentions of both STRUNG OUT and my essay in the anthology Burn It Down.

• I loved Jane Ratcliffe’s conversation (thanks for the shout out!) with Lilly Dancyger about Burn It Down for Guernica.

• A nice review of Burn It Down by Lizzie Lawson for The Journal that mentions my essay.

• Huge thanks to one of my favorite writers, Rene Denfeld, for including STRUNG OUT in her Year in Reading List for The Millions.

• Lastly, I was quoted in Olivia Pennelle’s article for The Fix: Privilege Lurks at the Heart of Recovery Movements.

Ask Erin: My 20-Year-Old Son Is Engaged To A 53-Year-Old Woman

Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I'm at a loss for what to do. 

My son, “Jeremy” (not his real name), is a smart young man who just turned 20. He was going to college and getting great grades. 

He just informed my husband and me that he's not going back to school for the spring semester, and he's planning on getting married to a 53-year old -woman from our neighborhood. 

Jeremy used to be friends and play sports with several of her kids. I never really thought there was anything weird going on until a few pictures of them showed up on social media, including her visiting him at school a few months ago. We asked him if he was seeing her and he lied and said no, or got evasive. We found out they were engaged from our daughter (WTF).

"Marylin" (not her real name) is a family acquaintance and doesn't have a stable life. She's got five children, one of whom is older than Jeremy, and has a reputation for being a gold digger ( I don't like that term, but it fits). 

What freaks me out the most is that when Jeremy turns 21, he's eligible for his inheritance from my parents, which is a share in their property and businesses that are run by my husband and I. Marylin knows all about this and has asked us about wedding venue costs, if she can have the wedding on "his part" of the property, what her role will be in the business once they're married, and how soon she and her kids can move into one of the houses we own. Jeremy has started pushing us to let her move into an empty property we manage, attached to some sob story about her current landlord. I'm not even going to get into the off-kilter social media stuff and how she goes on rants about my family and then calls us and asks us for something like money or a place to live. 

This woman has literally only been in our lives less than three weeks, and already Jeremy has threatened to stop speaking to his sister, me, and several other family members because we're "evil" to Marilyn. Jeremy is an adult, yes, but my husband and I do have the final say about when our children's inheritance is distributed. 

I have no idea how my life became an episode of Dynasty, but I'm over it. 

I can't and won't forbid him from doing things, but this situation has wrong written all over it. We're not the type of people to cut our kids off, and we want to make sure Jeremy has support when this inevitably blows up. 

How do I approach this in any normal way? Is this some kind of late teen rebellion?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: I Can't Stop Comparing Myself To My Mother-In-Law

A.

I can understand why you’re distressed. Now, I don’t think significant age-gap relationships are inherently problematic. However, the wisdom and experience that comes with age can cause an imbalance of power dynamics. 

It’s not the age difference that concerns me; it’s the bucket full of red flags. 

As I said, a large age gap in and of itself is not the issue, but I do find it concerning that her kids grew up with him. Again, it gives me pause about the power dynamics in their relationship. If one partner was seen as a parental figure, the younger partner may still naturally defer to them as an authority figure. But again, this is not what is troublesome. 

What is troublesome? He is choosing to drop out of school to get married. Their relationship is causing disruptions in his relationships with you — his parents, his sister, and other family members. This seems to be a rather sudden and rushed engagement. And…

The biggest red flag here is the eagerness to get a hold of Jeremy’s inheritance.

And I mean not only her eagerness but his as well. As someone who had access to money in my early 20s and did NOT handle it well, I can tell you — no good can come from this. Whether she is after his money or not, I don’t think, at 20, he should have access to it either. 

You asked if this was some sort of late teen rebellion. I don’t think that is what this is about, but that’s irrelevant. As you said, you have the final say in how and when his inheritance is distributed. In your shoes, I would delay this. Even without the fiancé, in my opinion, very few 21-year-olds can handle that level of fiduciary responsibility. 

As you said, you can’t forbid him to marry her; he is an adult. However, you can restructure how and when he gets his inheritance. That doesn’t mean you are cutting him off. If this woman truly loves him, she will want to be with him with or without the cash. 

The other thing you can do is set boundaries, with both of them. 

You are entirely within your rights to set boundaries around the inheritance, around their roles in your family business, and your property. Further, you can and should set boundaries with Marylin about ranting about your family on social media and her role within the family. 

Stay calm, come from a place of empathy and love, but set those boundaries!

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Blue Aragonite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

Ask Erin: How Can I Make Real Friends Without Being Fake?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I feel lonely. 

The friends I have usually have been friends for a long time, and I sometimes make new ones. But I don't seem to have enough friends (those I have are often too busy to do things, and I might do something with each of them once every year or two). I definitely have no close friends at this point.

I have kind of a tough personality, so I don't get along with everyone. 

That's okay. Years ago, I tried that Dale Carnegie stuff, and I found it just made things worse since all it did was teach me how to bend over backward to maintain fake friendships with people who didn't really like me and with whom I never had much if any fun. (In one case even I befriended someone who made it a condition of the friendship that I couldn't talk to her anymore.) 

As soon as I would slip up and be real, I would not just lose a friend but usually gain an enemy. Worse, the submissiveness and genuine care for others' feelings it taught me to adopt as second nature have turned me into a reclusive little wimp because it makes me hyperaware of how others dislike me. (Being sarcastic and disagreeable really works a lot better when you can be bold and confident about it.)

Other ideas such as volunteering haven't been happy experiences for me or for the people I have worked with/for, and again I am more likely to gain enemies than friends with these activities. 

Putting on a fake smile and pretending to be interested in and positive about stuff I don't like just seems to breed resentment in people once I am "found out.” It has proven time and again over 15+ years to fail.

What else can I do?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: I Want A Fresh Start

A.

I didn’t know who Dale Carnegie was, so I looked him up. (For those who don’t know he wrote How to Win Friends and Influence People, which I have never read.) Anyhow, it sounds like you didn’t get much out of the courses. 

I am sorry you’ve been struggling to make and maintain friendships. Understandably, you feel frustrated and lonely. I think it’s important to acknowledge that you are aware that you’re difficult to get along with. This is a significant factor here.

It is possible to become more flexible with your personality without feeling like you’re “bending over backward.” 

I was struck by what you mentioned about a friend whose condition of continuing friendship with you required not to speak. That’s extreme and not the foundation of a friendship at all. What all of these friends and ex-friends have in common is you. 

You are likely comfortable being sarcastic and disagreeable. A little of this goes a long way. It can be exhausting for other people to spend time and energy with someone who appears not to care. I have had friendships like this in the past, and they were difficult to maintain because, at a certain point, I would think this person doesn’t even like me; what am I doing here? 

I’m curious if you’ve addressed this with a therapist. I know you mentioned the courses, but clearly, that wasn’t the answer. You said that after the courses, you felt more aware of how others disliked you. 

I’d bet that most of those people don’t, in fact, dislike you, but rather you are reading them based on your feelings about yourself. 

Which is why I’m going to circle back to therapy. It sounds like some things need to be worked out. It may seem like a cliché, but the quality of our relationships with others is dependent on the quality of the relationship we have with ourselves. 

I also think you need to get clear with yourself about what you desire in friendship, what qualities in another person would make you want to be friends with them. Be conscious of treating others the way you want to be treated. 

As you define friendship for yourself, you will be able to discern the types of people you want to let into your life.

As for where and how to find like-minded people, look for people who have the same interests as you. While volunteering is lovely, that may not be the most effective way to find your people. Don’t discount online groups as a means of finding friends. As a writer, I have formed some of my deepest friendships with people I met online in writing groups. Many of those friendships transferred to IRL friendships. Seek out groups that align with your interests, whatever they may be.

Now, another thing I want to say is that all of that sarcasm and disagreeableness is your defense against getting too close, against getting hurt. 

I think if you dig deep on this, you will find that it’s easier to have people in our life when we know sometime down the line we may sabotage things with our behavior. Sarcasm and disagreeableness make it easy to keep people at arm’s length. I don’t believe that’s the real you. That’s the armored you. 

Take a chance on being vulnerable, and you will likely find that you form the connections you’ve wanted all along. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Sodalite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

STRUNG OUT is One of Alma's Favorite Books for Winter 2020

It’s a thrill for me to see STRUNG OUT on Alma’s roundup of their favorite winter 2020 books!

“Erin Khar started using heroin when she was 13 years old. Strung Out tells the story of her 15-year struggle to get clean and fight for her life. Khar, a Jewish writer who contributed an essay to the Burn It Down anthology, does not hold back. Khar explained, “There were very few books about drug addiction written by women, and I didn’t find any of them. I want my book to give people hope and to reduce the stigma around speaking about drug addiction. I wrote Strung Out because it was the book I needed when I was younger.” However, even if you are not someone who has struggled with addiction, Khar’s memoir is not to be missed. It’s a powerful story that points to larger issues in American culture about the opioid crisis and the stigma and shame around drug use. Publisher’s Weekly called it “heartbreaking yet heartwarming” and that is honestly the perfect description.

Read if you’re into: stories of addiction and recovery, memoir. Get it here.”

XOXO

Ask Erin: My Wife Wants A Polyamorous Relationship & I Don’t

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

My wife wants to try a polyamorous relationship, and I don’t.

So my wife and I have been married for three years now we have a two-year-old daughter. Since before we got together, she says she has been thinking about this and had continued to think about it when we started dating and after we got married. 

A while back, I had opened up to her that I feel I might be trans. 

She has been very supportive as I try to figure myself out. She is now comparing her situation with mine. 

I love my wife with all my heart, and I love our family. I just can’t seem to bring myself to be okay with this right now. I told her to give me time to think about it. I’m trying to see the good about it all but also want time to see what the bad could be. 

Thinking about the fact that she would be out having sex with some guy, then coming home to me is not okay with me. 

She goes to school in the mornings, and I work evenings. We don't get to see each other much as is. So when I have a day off, and she's not in a class, I like to be able to spend that time together. I also don't think I'm okay with having our daughter around someone else. 

I mean, I do feel like I'm lacking an emotional connection with her since we are so busy all the time. But I'm trying as hard as I can. I can’t take the possibility of our child lacking any emotional connection with either of her mothers. She tells me every time we talk about it that I'm not supporting her. 

I need advice.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Does My Boyfriend Want A Polyamorous Relationship? 

A.

I get variations of the polyamory question quite frequently. And it’s invariably some version of one partner wanting to open the marriage up to polyamory and one partner wanting to remain monogamous. Neither of you is wrong for what you want out of the relationship. But I think you need to be clear with one another about expectations and boundaries. 

Before opening up your relationship, the two of you need to agree on what that looks like. 

There is a difference between polyamory and an open relationship. While they are both consensual forms of non-monogamy, there is a difference. Generally speaking, an open relationship implies a primary relationship (as in you and your wife) that allows for sex outside of that relationship. Polyamory is usually defined as having more than one romantic relationship at the same time. 

These are two very different scenarios. It’s not entirely clear to me from your email which type of non-monogamy your wife is interested in pursuing. But, it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to take that leap either way. 

What won’t work is you acquiescing to something that feels wrong for you. 

In your email, you mentioned that you wouldn’t be okay with her having sex with some guy and then coming home to you, nor would you be okay with having your daughter introduced to another partner. You have your answer right there; this is not something you want to participate in, at least not today. 

Your wife compared her situation to you grappling with your identity as possibly being trans. While it may be an unfair comparison, it sounds like what she is struggling with is monogamy and perhaps her identity as a wife. At the same time, being supportive of her doesn’t mean you shelve your own very valid feelings. 

Before any changes to the marriage occur, I strongly suggest seeking the guidance of a therapist. Ideally, you would do so individually and as a couple. I think you need the time and space to work out your feelings of possibly being trans as well as what you want and need from your relationship, as well as what you can give. 

While it can be scary to get honest about your needs and boundaries, it is essential for your relationship to survive and thrive.

Neither of you is going to be happy pretending in your relationship. I am hopeful that with honest and open communication, you can arrive in a place of understanding, one that will lead you to take the right next steps, either together or separately. I hope that you can work things out, especially as you have a child together. That said, life is too short to remain in a marriage pretending that you’re okay with an arrangement that is actually making you miserable. If you find yourself at an impasse, honor your feelings. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Pink Tourmaline, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

STRUNG OUT on She Reads Most Anticipated Memoir List!

AHHHH, my first most anticipated list! I was thrilled to see STRUNG OUT on She Reads’ list of the most anticipated memoirs of 2020!

“Strung Out: One Last Hit and Other Lies That Nearly Killed Me by Erin Khar

This is one that I have been looking forward to for a long time. Khar openly and honestly shares her story about her years-long addiction to heroin. As a young teen, she started using to relieve the pressures of having to be perfect and to mask feelings she didn’t understand. While there is no straight path to recovery, Khar found the strength, self-love and forgiveness to quit when she became a mother. A beautifully honest memoir that shines light on the very real opioid crisis in America today, Khar’s story is a must-read.”

You can see the whole list on She Reads HERE.

Ask Erin: I Can't Stop Comparing Myself To My Mother-In-Law

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I can’t stop comparing myself to my mother-in-law. 

Every single day is a struggle. 

I’m not good at getting up early, getting dressed, cleaning — any normal thing a mom should do. My mother-in-law is the opposite. She’s always up early, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and working. 

My husband expects most of this to be done. It has been his whole life. Instead, the house is messy, and apparently, so am I. 

I feel so low and ashamed about it. I want to change, and my husband knows this. I’ve made many attempts but only fail. 

It’s especially hard since my mother-in-law and I don’t get on well. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I just can’t keep up. 

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Am I Overreacting To The Way My Partner’s Family Treats Me? 

A.

I am so sorry that you are struggling. 

It can be a quick descent into self-loathing when we focus on the things we are ashamed of, the things we have convinced ourselves we “aren’t good at.” 

This tape you are playing in your head on repeat — the one detailing all the ways you are failing — is full of lies. And it sounds like the strained relationship with your mother-in-law and your husband’s expectations are adding to it. 

I want you to focus on some facts that you have been overlooking. The things you feel you aren’t good at are just things you don’t have the years of practice doing, that your mother-in-law does. That doesn’t make you inadequate at them or incapable of learning these basic skills. You are capable of doing these things.

Don’t strive to be just like your husband’s mother, because you never will be. 

Why? You are an individual, and I am positive that there are things you do well, that she does not. 

Further, as well as you may know her, you are comparing your insides with her outsides. Sure, you see all these things she does well to run a household. As perfectly as it may seem she does these things, they aren’t indicative of your lack of value as a person. It’s a trap that many of us fall into when we are feeling low. 

Focus your energy and attention on what you bring to the table.I want you to make a list of all the things big and small that you are good at. Big things, little things — list them all. Maybe you make great grilled cheese; perhaps you’re a good listener, a good friend, or a joke teller. 

Don’t diminish the value you bring to people’s lives, especially your husband’s. 

As for his expectations, well, you have no control over them. But, remember that he married you, knowing full well who you were. If he is expressing his unhappiness about the state of the house, sit him down and make a list, one that you can divide, of tasks that you can agree to take on, and ones that he can handle. The burden of all this should not rest on your shoulders alone. 

Couple’s counseling would really benefit your marriage. It’s essential to get clear with each other about what your wants and needs are. This includes your wants and needs! Your husband needs to receive the message that you are not his mother. 

As for your relationship with your mother-in-law, harmony here will boil down to acceptance and boundaries. 

Accept that she is who she is, and she likely will not change. However, if she is unkind with you, you can and should set boundaries. I think boundary-setting is best done by being clear, kind, and consistent. If she criticizes how you do something, you can set a boundary by telling her this is what works for you. Then change the subject and move on. If you repeatedly set boundaries calmly and securely, she will likely adjust her behavior as well. In the meantime, vent to your friends. 

Lastly, and most importantly, I kept thinking as I read and re-read your email that you may be dealing with depression. 

Many of the feelings you described are in sync with symptoms of clinical depression and other mental health issues. I strongly suggest the help of a therapist and/or psychiatrist to get to the bottom of these feelings of shame and failure and inability to keep up with life. 

I know that things are feeling bleak. Shifting your perspective, taking some small actions, and getting some professional help will go a long way to turn things around for you. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Lapis Lazuli, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more... XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.